


Fix You

by anhnguyen



Series: Liverpool: Coldplay-inspired [1]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Coldplay, Eventual Happy Ending, Football | Soccer, Liverpool F.C., M/M, Male Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:21:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 44,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2569640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anhnguyen/pseuds/anhnguyen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xabi had a crush on Steven when he first came to Liverpool, and Steven knew, but for some reasons they remained friends. Long after that, when Daniel came along and Steven faced the threat of losing Xabi, he realized what he had been missing.<br/>But could he do anything about it?</p><p>Inspired by many Coldplay songs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Istanbul

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if I will make Daniel Agger and Fernando Torres a couple. If things don't drag for too long or get too complicated, I'll try my best to make everyone happy. Enjoy!

Xabi stared at himself in the mirror, water streaming down his face. He did not dare to close his eyes, because once he did, Steven George fucking Gerrard would creep in and Xabi wouldn’t be able to stand up straight anymore.  
What was he going to do with himself?

 

Xabi did not, and would never deny it. From the very few first weeks in Liverpool, he had found himself having quite a crush on the Captain. He did not waste too much time finding a reason for that, as things were rather straightforward. It must have been the charisma, or the half-child-half-old-man face, or the wrinkles on his forehead, or his Scouse accent, the way he added ‘ye’ to every single sentence, or his greenish blue eyes, or the grip he pressed on Xabi’s waist during celebrations.  
So many things about Stevie put him in awe.  
Xabi did not hesitate to make it as obvious as possible to the Captain. He was that type: bold, decisive and determining. He would rather feel sorry for what he did than what he didn’t.  
He did not have to do much, actually. Things went smoothly as if they were destined to turn out that way. Xabi was very happy and amazed at how easily he had become Stevie’s closest friend. They got along exceptionally well: their personalities matched perfectly and the chemistry between them on the field was undeniable. A plan was not even necessary: it was as if they were born soul mates.  
But there was this one small problem that sometimes kept Xabi awake at night. Did Stevie have any other feelings for him, besides that unbreakable brotherhood they share? Xabi could not read any single sign from Stevie. He was afraid of being presumptuous.  
And as things went on, it proved that he was right to be afraid.

 

Xabi still remembered that night down to every single detail: the starting whistle; the sweat; the stop of heartbeat when AC Milan scored – not once, but thrice; the feeling of desperation growing heavier and heavier, pulling everyone of them down. He remembers Stevie shouting his lungs out demanding them to press on, even when he himself was clearly exhausted; how he shouted at them in the locker room during half-time break, how coach stopped him, and used the most rational and calm words that Xabi had ever heard to motivate them.  
Xabi definitely remembers the beautiful goal scored by their Captain Fantastic, and that soon afterwards by Vladimir. He remembers his heart beating so hard in his chest it hurt when he stood before the goalpost for the penalty; the heart attack that almost killed him when he missed it, and the tears of joy he tasted when he scored by the rebound of that same penalty to equalize for Liverpool.  
He remembers the deadening chanting from the Kops when they won 3-2 for the penalty shootout after that; the weight on him as they all piled up in the middle of the field, tears mixed with sweat but the only thing seen on every single face was a big goofy smile; the metallic coolness as he touched the Champion League Cup for the first time in his life, staring at it with the same pure amazement he had in his eyes when he first saw Steven Gerrard scored from their own half.  
But if someone asks him what he remembers the most, and if he was in the mood of speaking the truth, he would say it was the kiss.  
As the unending cheers going on and the utter excitement filled their hearts, Xabi felt Stevie’s arm around him, pulling him in closer. Stevie turned to Xabi, closed his eyes and pursed his lips out for a kiss. Xabi wasn’t sure what was to blame: the overwhelming cuteness of Stevie’s face at that moment, the adrenaline rushing in his bloodstream, or all the expectations that had been swelling up in him for too long. He could not help but being presumptuous – he had been waiting too long for this.  
He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Stevie’s. Stevie’s eyes immediately opened widely in shock, and he pulled away just as fast. But Xabi did not mind. He was overwhelmed with happiness.  
Now looking back again, that magical night in Istanbul might have been the moment things started to fall apart.

 

After the kiss, Stevie acted as if nothing had happened. To be honest, Xabi was a bit disappointed, or maybe more than a bit, but that was beside the point. He was also not shameless enough to go to Stevie and demand a conversation about it. So he just kept quiet, and waited, and observed, and waited.  
Sometimes the wait got on his nerves. Maybe that was why he became such an illusionist, making more and more assumptions.  
He assumed the reason why sometimes he caught Stevie gazing at him during trainings was that Stevie remembered the kiss as much as he did.  
He assumed Stevie choosing him as the first one he ran to in all goal celebrations was an evidence he was the Captain’s favorite.  
He assumed Stevie got so angry and immediately pushed others aside to take care of him when he was injured during one of the match was because Stevie cared for him.  
He assumed all the signs that Stevie gave him: the gentle pat on the head, the rub on the lower back, the arm around his shoulder, the smiling eyes, the midnight texts, the weekend-hangouts (which had become more and more frequent that they should be called everyday-hangouts), the fingers running through his hair – all of these could not be anything else but signs of affection, and they were shouting out loud that Stevie actually had feelings for him, just like he had always had for the adorable Captain.  
More than once, he forgot that they were just assumptions, and they were hung upon thin air rather than thick solid words.  
And now it is ruining him more than he could ever imagine.


	2. The Concert

Nothing would have happened. Both Xabi and Stevie were very comfortable with the situation: they were closer than ever, and spending time with each other was pleasant for both. Of course Xabi wanted something more certain, more official. He wanted to hear from Stevie that yes, they were actually together, and the relationship was exclusive. But somehow he didn’t see that coming. It was mere intuition, but it was accurate. Stevie never said it, or even got down to any topic that might result in a serious talk about their relationship.

But Xabi didn’t really mind. He appreciated what he was having with Stevie and he could live on with that. He would not push Steven.

And then Fernando Torres came along.

The interest of the young boy towards the Captain was pretty clear. He clung to Stevie like a little puppy trying to show as much love as he had to the master.

And this youthful boy was much, much quicker than Xabi in actions.

During matches, even before Xabi and Steven could spot each other, the boy would already have run towards the Captain and hugged him tightly.

In the locker room, even before Xabi finished his shower, Fernando would have put on clothes and started his chitchat session with Stevie.

At night, Stevie would take a bit longer to reply Xabi’s messages. Xabi knew he was talking to Fernando, but Xabi would keep quiet and never asked.

Before Stevie and Xabi could plan any hangouts, Fernando would have already asked the Captain to hang out with him, “showing him the way around Liverpool” – as Stevie explained in an apologetic tone to Xabi on the Friday night which they could have spent playing FIFA together.

Xabi shrugged his shoulders, shook his head as if he did not mind, not a bit; but the whole things got on his nerves more than he knew it. And all out of a sudden, he wanted to push Steven, wanted some solid words to hang his assumptions upon.

He wanted to stop feeling insecure and vulnerable like this.

 

 

 

-          Stevie, can I talk to you a bit?

-          Yeah, sure mate. What is it?

-          I supposed you have already known this… - Xabi took a deep breath. He had practiced it so many times; he could not get it wrong - …. I have… hmm… romantic…hmm… feelings for you… you get it? I like you Stevie. – He determined to stop the trembling in his voice – I like you a lot.

Stevie seemed stunned. He stared at Xabi for a few seconds, then turned away, cleared his throat. He was trying to find words to say:

-          Wow, mate, I really… hmm… didn’t see this coming…

-          I’m sorry if I put you in an awkward situation; but things like this cannot be kept in for too long. It really is eating me out… - Xabi took out something from his pocket. A pair of tickets for the Coldplay concert the following day. He gave one to Stevie - … I bought this pair of tickets months ago. It would be nice… hmm … you know, if we can come together…

-          Hmm… well, thanks Xabi… wow… - Stevie said without looking up. He kept staring at the ticket – I… I really don’t know what to say!

-          It’s okay… Just take your time. – _Please don’t, the wait is killing me_ – So… I’ll see you tonight?

-          Yeah, I guess. See you, mate!

Xabi walked off. As he thought he had gone far enough, he let out a sigh. All the weights and feelings on him were lifted off, but soon the excitement and nervousness about the concert started to take over. If they spent tonight together at the concert, it would surely make a great change to what they were having. And if destiny was nice enough, the relationship would escalate to the level that Xabi had always wanted.

Exclusiveness and officiality, that was all that he needed. Xabi was not a demanding person. After all that they have shared, he did not think that was too much to ask for.

Maybe destiny just felt like playing it hard.

 

 

 

The concert started at 7 pm. Xabi came quite early to avoid the long queue. He bought two king-sized cups of beer and entered first. Standing around to wait for Steven made him feel desperate.

He sat down where he was assigned and put one of the cups on Stevie’s seat, then let out a sigh. _This is gonna be the night. I must make it right, I must make it perfect. No pressurizing, no pushing, no drama._ He knew Stevie hated those things, and making Stevie feel uncomfortable could be a fatal move. But Xabi believed he had prepared himself well for this. He had come up with all the topics they could talk about, some witty jokes, answers to several possible questions. He was playing with his own mind; building up all the different scenarios then finding a solution for each of them, making sure all would go right, and then getting what he wanted would not be such a challenge.

He prepared himself for all the different chains of situation, but one. The worst one.

7 pm. The concert started. Xabi nervously looked at the groups of people rushing in, but Stevie was nowhere to be seen.

7.15 pm. Stevie’s seat was still occupied by the cup of beer. Xabi thought about calling Stevie, but then pushed the thought aside. If he was to come, he would come. Calling would not really help.

7.30 pm. A mixture of feelings filled Xabi’s stomach: anger, anxiety, overwhelming sadness. It made him feel really sick. But he still believed, that in just a few seconds, Stevie would rush in panting and say “Sorry mate. The traffic was a fucking mess…”

7.50 pm. All the feelings were gone, and Xabi didn’t feel sick anymore. All he felt was emptiness.

He seriously considered standing up and leaving; but it was Coldplay, and he would never leave a Coldplay concert, not even when his heart was broken quite badly, not even for Steven George Gerrard.

Steven George fucking Gerrard.

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be this hard_

_Oh, take me back to the start…_

_Coldplay - The Scientist_

Xabi wondered why destiny had to be so harsh on him.


	3. "I Quit"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if football players actually live together in a common dorm, but let's just assume they do...

In the end, Xabi finished the two king-sized cups of beer by himself and stayed until the concert had come to an end. He even stayed for the meeting session with the band afterwards. He got his album signed, bought a t-shirt and a mug. These things would definitely make him happy, or at least make him feel not so ill for throughout the whole following week.

Then he headed home, earphones plugged in.

_When you try your best but you don’t succeed_

_When you get what you want but not what you need_

_When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep_

_Stuck in reverse…_

He stopped right at the hallway.

Gosh, he should have bought more stuff at the concert. But he wondered if that would really help.

_When the tears come streaming down your face_

_When you lose something you can’t replace_

He just stood there, staring at them. They were still walking in, not noticed his presence yet. Then Stevie looked up, and saw what he needed to see.

_When you love someone but it goes to waste_

_Could it be worse?_

No, it could not be worse – Xabi answered the question in his mind.

-          Hey Xabi!! – Fernando greeted him with sincere joy. Surprisingly, Xabi did not feel like punching, or hurting the boy in any way. He was cool with the boy, did not even feel like hating him. The only one he hated at that moment was Steven George fucking Gerrard.

-          Hey Fern! – Xabi answered with a smile, feeling strangely calm. Maybe the look of terror and shame in Steven’s eyes made him feel he was in control of the situation. – Had a great night hanging out?

-          Yeah, it was totally awesome!! Stevie took me to the bar! It was so different from those in Spain! When I asked for tapas, the guy looked at me like I was mad…

Xabi kept on smiling, nodding his head slightly at the story Fernando told him; while Stevie just stood at the side, looking down at his feet.

-          I’m sooo tired!!! – Fernando yawned and rubbed his eyes – Think I need to go straight to bed now…

-          Sleep well then, kiddo. – Xabi patted Fernando’s head – It’s been quite a week for you. The coach made you train so hard.

-          Thanks Xabi. You’re so nice as always!

As Fernando said goodbye to Stevie, he headed back to his room. Only then Stevie slowly turned to Xabi. He spoke, almost inaudibly:

-          Can we go somewhere and talk for a while?

-          Hmm sure, if you have something to say. – Xabi was quietly amazed at his own calmness, or at least his ability to fake it – But I guess you can just say it here. I want to go back to my room soon.

Steven stared at him in shock. He thought Xabi would be so angry and would definitely show it, by at least refusing to talk to him or looking at him in the face. Xabi was never particularly good at maintaining his temper.

But now, Xabi was standing in front of him, calmer that ever, and the only one who was stumbling over his own words was Steven himself.

-          I… didn’t show up…

-          I could see that.

-          And… hmm… I spent the evening with Fernando…

-          Saw that too.

-          Are you mad?

-          I’m too tired for that, sorry.

-          Xabi I… I really didn’t mean to do that.

-          Are you trying to say you skipped me by accident?

-          No! Not like that. I… - Stevie scratched his head. He had never found any conversation as difficult as this. He always hated confrontations. – I was just confused, Xabi. Suddenly things seem to get so serious, and I didn’t quite know what to do! And I think if I go to this concert, things will just get more and more complicated. I’m not sure about my feelings for you, and you might be expecting something that I can’t give! Xabi you know that I hate it when things get too complex. Can’t we keep it simple?

-          You could have just called me, or said no on the spot when I handed you the ticket. But you didn’t.

-          I…

-          You could have shown some respect for me by staying home tonight, instead of going out with Fernando.

-          I wanted to figure it out, Xabi. It was really fun, you know, when we spent our time together. But then Fernando came along and spending time with him was quite nice also. I’m just trying to know if I really want this…

-          So now do you know?

-          Well, still no, but…

-          It seems you’re having quite a struggle there. – Xabi said. Steven could not even be sure if he was being sarcastic – I’ll make it easy for you, Stevie.

-          What do you mean?

-          You don’t need to think so hard anymore. – Xabi shook his head – I take back all the words I’ve told you earlier.

-          Xabi I…

-          I’m out of this, Steve. – He smiled – Officially out of this.

Xabi bent down to collect the bag of souvenirs he bought and turned his back, ready to go back to his room.

-          Xabi, don’t do this! – Steven reached out, tugging Xabi’s sleeve. – Just give me some time…

-          I’m just keeping it simple, like you want. – He said without looking at Steven, and gently pushed his hand away. – Goodnight, Steven.

Steven just stood their, gazing at Xabi as he walked away. He sighed.

_Maybe this is really for the best._


	4. Haircut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap is just... kinda weird...

So that was how Xabi ended up in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. He felt lucky that he was not in the mood of smashing stuff or hurting himself, even though he wanted to cry quite badly. But the tears just wouldn’t come out. Now he knew that the suppression on his feelings was not something he could control, because he couldn’t lift it now even though he really wanted to.

He needed an outlet.

Xabi found a pair of scissors in the drawers. Just nice.

Women love to cut their hair when things get difficult – Xabi finds that idea quite fascinating, although he had never really considered doing it. He had been loyal to this half-Leonardo-Di-Carp-half-Harry-Potter haircut since the early years, but a change to that would be nice, and might help him feel better.

However, Xabi is not a woman, so the way he executed it was rather different as well. Women will either cut it short by themselves in a rebellious way, or go to a hair salon to make sure they come out all pretty. They want the one who causes their heartbreak to look at them in awe and hopefully to feel regret.

But that was not what Xabi wanted. Who gives a fuck if Steven cares about his change in hairstyle or not? He just wanted some distractions to keep him away from feeling depressed.

So he went to YouTube, found some how-to videos on creating the haircut he wants, watched them as he followed their instructions.

After cleaning up everything, he put the Coldplay album in the player, turned the volume up a bit, made himself a hot cup of milk in the Coldplay mug he had just bought, read his favorite book, and then went to sleep.

He did not cry at all that night. He knew Coldplay stuff would work for him – they had always been the best therapy, in any situations.

And besides, the day was really not that bad, besides the incident with Steven George fucking Gerrard.

But now, that does not really matter anymore.

 

 

 

-          Hey, nice hair!! – Alvaro patted on his shoulder when he arrived at training the next day. – Guys, come and look at Xabi’s new hair, it’s phenomenal!!!

Xabi just laughed and shook his head. Alvaro was always a melodramatic kid.

-          Please, Alv…

-          No, seriously!!! It suits you so well! – Alvaro was still running his fingers through Xabi’s hair with amazement – Why didn’t you try this earlier?! Looks sooo classy!!

-          Indeed he’s right, Xab! – Daniel said – It looks really nice on you!

-          Where did you get it Xabi? They’ve done a great job!! – Jamie asked him.

-          Actually I cut it by myself. Didn’t expect it to come out that fine either…

_No wonder._ Steven thought. He remembered Xabi still had his old hairstyle on when they talked last night. He was also among the group of players gathering around Xabi, but being afraid that Xabi would feel uncomfortable seeing him, he stood at the outer circle. _But gosh Xabi looks so fine with that haircut._

Xabi just smiled at all the comments his teammates gave on his haircut, not hesitated to let them touch his hair when they demanded. Now he remembered that many of them had weird fetish and overly strong concern about hairstyle. They only stopped their touching-Xabi’s-hair session when the coach arrived.

 

 

 

Xabi was arranging his locker when he heard a voice behind him:

-          Hey Xabi…

He turned around only to see Steven Gerrard standing nearby. As soon as Xabi looked him in the eyes, Steven turned away.

-          Hey Stevie! What’s up? – Sometimes Xabi wondered why Steven made things so difficult for himself. Xabi should have been the one who did all the awkward avoidance, not Steven.

-          I just want to… you know, about last night…

-          You don’t need to trouble yourself so much with it, Stevie. – Xabi smiled – I told you already, we’re good!

-          Really? You don’t mind at all? – _Because actually, Xabi, I do mind a little…_

-          No, Stevie, I don’t! – Xabi tried to speak in the most cheerful tone he could to hide that he was lying – We have been friends way before I actually had any feelings for you. It does not matter that much, really.

-          Thanks, Xabi. – Stevie smiled, but could not help feeling a little bit sad, even though he didn’t realize why he felt so – And I’m really sorry for not coming to the concert last night…

-          Come on, Stevie, it’s over! Don’t bring it up! – Xabi shoved him playfully.

-          But I was such an asshole. You must have been really upset…

-          I was okay, indeed. Enjoyed my self-night-out very much. You know, it was Coldplay. How can anyone be upset during a Coldplay concert??

-          Now I feel sad I missed the concert… - Stevie laughed.

-          Yeah you should! – Then Xabi switched back to his nice-guy mode – But don’t worry, next year when they come again we can go together.

-          Can’t wait for that, really… Going to the concert with you should be really awesome…

Xabi felt rather uncomfortable when Stevie said things like that, things that easily made Xabi throw himself at Stevie all over again. But he kept those thoughts for himself, and instead he said:

-          I’d better get going. Alv and some of the guys want me to go to the bar with them.

-          Oh… okay sure. Have fun!!

As Xabi walked towards the door, Stevie called out for him once again.

-          Yes? – Xabi turned his head.

-          I just want to say… - _I’m sorry, don’t friendzone me_ – Your hair. You look perfect in it.

-          Thanks Stevie. – Xabi smiled – Goodbye.

-          Goodbye, Xabi.

When Xabi disappeared from his sight, Steven felt like he had let something slip away. But not until very long after that did he fully realize what it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daniel is coming in next chapter :>


	5. Recovery

For the first few months, it was really difficult for Xabi. They were on very good term, and the friendship grew stronger than ever. But at times, Xabi could not help but feeling hurt. When such moments came, all he wanted to do was to push Steven away; cut all the connections they had; then lock himself in the room so that he would not have to see Steven’s face. Sometimes he just wanted to collapse and cry and scream out loud how much the whole thing was hurting him like crazy. Sometimes he felt regret for putting up the brave upfront to trick Steven, to trick himself.

But soon, he pushed all these negative thoughts aside. Being friends again with Steven was technically his own choice, and despite all the heartbreaks he was struggling through, he knew it was the best option. If he had tried to push things into the path they were not supposed to be, he might have lost Steven, which was something he could not afford. So in the end, he decided to man up and just go with it.

Initially, he had difficulties trying to keep a decent distance from Steven, at the same time make sure the guy did not realize it. Luckily enough, Steven was quite blurred and not so sensitive when it came to such things. That definitely made things a whole lot easier for Xabi.

And as time passed, things actually got better. Moments of awkwardness and silent pain became less and less frequent, until a time when Xabi wondered why he had ever felt that way. Of course he knew it was not a quick and sweet process: indeed it took almost one year for everything to fall back to their orbit, but things came out so fine and he was glad with the decision he had made back then. It did not just maintain the bond they shared, but Xabi felt that he had changed, or to be more accurate, had grown as a person.

Xabi had always been considered as rational by almost everyone he knew, and he was proud of that. However, he had to admit when it came to love, he was rather desperate. He really hated that as it was the main root for most of his struggles, especially in the incident with Stevie. But now, he could feel the change: he was no longer hopeless romantic, and was never controlled by his emotions, even when it came to love. He had mastered the techniques to keep himself calm, chilled and level headed, even in the worst and most provoking situations; and it benefited him endlessly.

He also cared about himself more, while thought less about others. Not that he stopped being kind and caring to them, but he did not need them to get by anymore. He treasured moments which he spent alone, listening to albums he had just bought, cooking some simple dishes, reading some old books he found in the basement. He realized that such moments were extremely self-enriching, and how they perfected him in an all-rounded manner.

He loved this new life.

 

 

 

However, there was this one perk the new life had brought him, but he didn’t realize. He didn’t realize yet.

Things started with his change in fashion style. After cutting his hair, it dawned on Xabi one day while he was looking at himself in the mirror that things he usually wore just didn’t work for him anymore. That was when he decided to go formal: t-shirts were gradually replaced by chemises, suits and ties took up more and more space in his closet, Italian shoes took over sneakers and sandals. It was not like Xabi cared about his appearance that much, but he wanted his self changing to be a complete and all-inclusive process.

There was one more significant thing about Xabi’s appearance revolution: he let his beard grow.

-          Goddamn it!!! Have you guys noticed Xabi’s beard? – Alvaro whispered to the others as Xabi passed by.

-          Yeah, look quite nice on him... – Jamie answered, confused by Alvaro’s attitude. He seemed angry.

-          Quite nice? QUITE NICE??!!! Please guys it looks fucking gorgeous!! – Alvaro was just being dramatic, as usual.

-          I know right!! – Pepe said, excitedly – And for some miraculous reasons it is fiery red in colour while…

-          While his hair is dark brown – exactly!! – Alvaro let out a sigh, shook his head - I don’t know what that dude has been doing to himself, but he looks so good these days it makes me sick. God is just so unfair…

-          I have to agree with you this time, Alvaro – Jamie laughed – Xabi really knows what suits him best. Don’t you think so, mate? – He turned to ask Steven, who had been quiet.

-          Huh? Oh yeah, he looks fine… - Steven gazed at Xabi, who was practicing his free-kick not too far away from where they stood. _Really, really fine…_

As a close friend, of course Steven noticed Xabi’s changes, both inner and outer. Steven was not a man of words – he was quite bad at expressing himself – but let put it this way: Xabi put him in awe from time to time, more and more frequent.

But he was not the only one who fancied Xabi Alonso.

 

 

 

-          Come on, dude, man up!! I’m sure he won’t reject you!

           "How can you know? He is way out of my league…"

-          Well, I… - _You moron of course I don’t know but I’m trying my best don’t you see?_ – He is a nice guy, he won’t hurt you!

           "But…"

-          Besides, he loves Coldplay like crazy! How can he turn down the offer?

-          Who loves Coldplay?

-          Your Xabi, who else you moron!! – Jamie rolled his eyes, but then almost immediately he realized the question was not from the other line. And he knew he was doomed.

-          Shit I gotta go now. – He ended the call before the person on the other line could process anything. – Heyyyy Xabi!! How’ya doin’ mate?

-          Fine I guess… - Jamie’s clearly-trying-too-hard-to-distract attitude made him even more curious – But did you just say “Your Xabi”? And Coldplay?

-          Uhmm… err… well I guess so…?

-          Is that me who you were talking about?

-          Nice guess Xabi, hahahahaha… yeah it is… - His voice got softer towards the end, hope that it would go unnoticed (but of course it didn’t).

-          Who were you talking to, Jamie? – Xabi frowned. He was more than a bit confused.

 

_Don’t freak out, Jamie. Analyze the situation quickly:_

o       _Oh my God I’m so bad at these matchmaking things how could that kid trust me in this?_

o       _Xabi himself might even be a better love guru than I am. He would know how to deal with that lovesick moron._

o       _Even if I don’t tell Xabi he would already have known that someone likes him, and with his deadly observation skill he would find out anyway._

o       _Gosh I’m so gonna be killed tomorrow…_

-          Xabi, come and sit down. I have something important to tell you…

 

 

 

_-Flashback-_

-          _Daniel? As in Daniel Agger??!_

-          _Well, I don’t think there’s another Daniel on our team._

-          _Wow… that’s… unexpected?_

-          _I was rather shocked when he first told me, too. Who thought a kid like him would have soft point for gentlemen…_

-          _How long has it been?_

-          _Three months since he first told me, but I think it might have been a few months before that._

-          _That’s long…_

-          _Yeah, the kid is really into you. He has been sabotaging me everyday for quite a while… I think it’s for the best that I tell you, ‘cause I don’t really know what to do with him anymore. He’s, hard to beiweve, very shy when it comes to you._

-          _I see…_

-          _Do you like him?_

-          _Well… I like him as a person, but not in that way…_

-          _But do you mind liking him that way?_

-          _I… I don’t know… actually I’m not sure…_

__-End of Flashback-_ _

Since certainly Xabi would not say yes to the kid’s feeling right away, Jamie took the uncertainty as the best possible response. There was still hope for Daniel, and as a love guru, he was glad.

The next morning, it was Daniel’s turn to surprise him:

-          I’m asking him.

-          Who? Xabi?

-          Yes. I’m very, really determined. – Then, suddenly, the kid turned back to his old poor self – Gosh, what if he rejects me, Jamie? I’m freaking out!!!

-          Relax, dude!! – He placed a hand on Daniel’s shoulder – Trust me, you’ll be totally fine. Have some faith in Xabi!

-          I can never relax when I’m near him. – Daniel sighed. At that moment, Xabi finished his shower and was walking towards his own locker. Jamie can feel the tension spreading rapidly in Daniel, who was blanking out in Xabi’s direction.

-          For God’s sake, get your ass over there and ask him!!! – He pushed Daniel hard. The boy, too busy gazing at his crush to expect the push, lost his step and headed straight towards Xabi, pumping into the locker door.

-          Oops!! – Jamie shrugged with a smile on his face. _You’ll be thankful for this some day, Daniel._

By some weird intuition, Jamie was strongly convicted that Daniel and Xabi would end up together.


	6. Tickets

-          Oh my God, are you okay?! – Xabi immediately attended to the boy who had just slammed into his locker door.

-          I… I’m… totally fine!! – Daniel rubbed his forehead where he hit the damn door. _Freak you Jamie!!! What was that for??!_ Then he realized he was standing in front of Xabi Alonso, and he freaked out again – H…hi Xab!

-          Hey Dan, how are you doing? – Xabi smiled. Since he had known Daniel’s crush on him, he wanted to be nice to the boy. Although he was not sure if he would reciprocate Daniel, he really appreciated the boy’s feelings.

-          I’m great! I mean… I feel great!! Not because we’re talking but... Wait what did I just say?!!

-          You said you’re doing great. – Xabi couldn’t help but giggled. The boy was really amusing.

-          Right, yeah that’s what I meant. How about you, Xab? – Daniel kept repeating the short name he used to address Xabi unconsciously, not realizing how much he liked the sound of it.

-          I’m doing fine, I guess.

-          Yeah, can see that during practice. You look gorg… arghh I mean your passes!! They were gorgeous! – Daniel did a mental facepalm. Gosh, he really could not keep calm near Xabi.

-          Thanks, Dan. You were awesome too.

Breathed in deeply, Daniel knew he had to do this.

-          Xab, I heard that… hmm… you really like Coldplay… - _I cannot do this. Too much pressure!!!_ He took out the pair of tickets - … I’ve got these tickets for the show. Do you want one of them while I… hmm… keep the other?

Xabi smiled. He tilted his head:

-          Dan, are you asking if I want to go to the concert with you?

-          Oh… yeah that’s what I mean… Do you? It’s okay if you say no, I mean, we’re not that close and you may find me weird but…

-          I’d love to.

-          I… hmm… huh??! – Daniel was still trying very hard to find words when he heard Xabi’s answer. He could not hide his surprise – Really?

-          Yeah, why not? I mean I love Coldplay; of course I won’t miss the show! – Xabi looked at Daniel warmly – Besides, I think hanging out with you would be very nice, Daniel.

 

 

 

Oh.my.God.

Daniel felt like he was struck by the light of a thousand suns.

He didn’t really remember how they ended the conversation, or anything Xabi said while waving goodbye to him and taking off. Only when the older man had been out of sight, Daniel gained back his awareness.

He immediately ran to Jamie, did not notice the see-I-told-ya smile on the vice captain’s face.

-          He said yes!!!!!!!!!! – Daniel gritted through his teeth, tried to control his volume.

-          See, I told you. – Jamie had been waiting to say this – I know Xabi very well: Coldplay always works for him.

-          You’re the best, Jamie!! If things actually work out I’ll buy you a whole case of beer.

For a moment, Jamie wondered if he should tell Daniel that Xabi actually knew already. Eventually, he decided not to.

-          What should I do next? – Daniel asked.

-          Take the opportunity, talk to him everyday until the day you two go to the concert together. Let the concert be the climax of everything and confess to him on that day. – Jamie said, amazed by how much he sounded like an expert.

-          Sounds good. – Daniel nodded his head – But…

-          No ‘but’! You’re gonna follow my plan, because as you can see, it worked!

-          I don’t doubt your plan, but I doubt myself. I was so nervous just now that I almost bit my tongue when I talked to Xab…

-          Young man, listen to me… – Jamie sighed – Xabi is no doubt a gentleman, calm and perfect. So if you want to have him, you have to show him you’ve got something too! Be confident! You’re badass and we all know it! So stop chickening out and go get that man!

Daniel was surprised, and somehow touched by what Jamie said. He pursed his lips, and finally:

-          Thanks bro! – He smiled – I will definitely get him.

 

 

 

**_Dagger:_ ** _Hey Xab!_

**_Xab:_ ** _Oh hey Dan! Yes?_

**_Dagger:_ ** _Hmm nothing much. Just wanna say thanks for agreeing to come to the concert with me_ _J_

**_Xab:_ ** _No!! Thank you!! I’m glad you ask, really…_

**_Dagger:_ ** _You seem to like Coldplay a lot?_

**_Xab:_ ** _Yeah, big fan_ _J I have an extensive collection of their merchandise and albums. You like them too?_

**_Dagger:_ ** _Yeah, I think they’re awesome. Not so hard-core as you though *lol*_

**_Xab:_ ** _Haha okay. But hey how did you get the ticket? I heard it’s quite difficult to get them this year, so I gave up at the beginning…_

_*long pause*_

**_Dagger:_ ** _Well I have a friend who unfortunately could not make it so he asked if I wanted_

**_Xab:_ ** _Wow that’s nice!! Thanks again for inviting me. Feel so lucky_

**_Dagger:_ ** _No problem, Xab_ _J Gosh, I can’t wait till that day…_

_*speed-of-light texting*_

**_Dagger:_ ** _I mean I really want to see the band!!!_

**_Dagger:_ ** _Okay its late goodnight Xab!!!_

**_Xab:_ ** _Goodnight, Dan_ _J_

Xabi smiled. The boy was amusing, really.

-          Who are you texting? Dagger? – Jamie had just come out of shower and was looking at Xabi knowingly.

-          Yeah, the boy said ‘hi’. He’s not so shy as you said, though?

-          You don’t know how much effort I had to put in to change that. – Jamie shook his head and laughed – He had been so shy that he almost gave up the pair of tickets he queued for so long to get as he…

-          Wait what??! – Xabi frowned – He queued for the tickets?

-          Yeah! You remember the time he skipped half a day of training and was scolded by coach? He drove to the city centre the night before and waited there until the next day afternoon so that he could get the tickets. He didn’t tell you?

Xabi just shook his head. He was too shocked to say anything.

-          Well I should have expected that… – Jamie shrugged – He has always been the quiet type, you know, never boasts about what he does.

Xabi was still at loss of words, which worried Jamie:

-          Hey, you okay, mate?

-          Oh… uhmn… yeah! Just… confused… I mean, why is he willing to do that? Even I won’t do that for myself!

-          I told you already, the kid is really into you! Never seen him that serious about anyone in a long time… - Jamie patted his shoulder – So treat him well.


	7. Daniel

All out of a sudden, Xabi felt scared.

Daniel’s sincere feelings made him afraid. Not too much, but enough to forced him to think about it more seriously.

Gosh, now he understood how Steven must have felt back then. Have you ever experienced something like that, when you’re not even sure you like a person, but then by chance you know that person like you so much and are willing to do so many things for you? When their feelings are so intense that you wonder how it is possible such precious feelings are saved for you? When you are afraid you can never give them back what they give you, however hard you try?

If you had such an experience, you were on the same boat with Steven Gerrard, and Xabi Alonso has just joined you.

Xabi pursed his lips. No, he would not choose to do what Steven did. He almost hated Stevie for that, but more importantly, he certainly didn’t want Daniel to go through the same thing.

What if…? He was not sure at all, but what if things would actually work out?

He let out a sigh. Determined.

He would give this whole thing a chance. He would give himself a chance.

 

 

 

Xabi and Daniel texted each other everyday since then. Daniel always took the initiative, while Xabi followed his lead. It was rather obvious that the boy had gained more and more confidence: instead of being all shy and awkward like the first day, he showed Xabi how he actually had a quirky sense of humour, very strong characteristics and even insightful philosophy at times, which impressed Xabi tremendously. Gradually, Xabi realized how much he enjoyed and looked forwards to the conversations they had. It was a really good start for the whole thing.

Besides that, Xabi paid more attention to the boy on the pitch. He often found himself silently observing Daniel, smiling when the boy scored or having mini heart attacks when the boy was tackled and tripped over. After some time, Xabi arrived at a conclusion that he himself considered unbelievable: Daniel was actually very cute.

Out of all the adjectives existing in this universe, “cute” would be the last word that Daniel wanted to hear as his description. And that was why he almost dropped his phone when he read the message from Xabi.

 

**_Xab:_ ** _Will you kill me if I say “cute” is the word that best describes you?_

After more than two weeks of everyday texting, they had somehow moved to the flirting stage. Daniel was not so shocked anymore when he received message with similar content from Xabi (although that does not mean he stopped feeling like he was struck by the light of a thousand suns every time Xabi said something like that). But, still.

**_Dagger:_ ** _As much as I feel happy being praised by you - yes, Xab, I will definitely kill you._

**_Xab:_ ** _Have anyone else told you that before?_

**_Dagger:_ ** _Yes, there was one and he ended up in hospital. That is why people started to describe me as badass or attractively violent or cool, and not “cute”, Xab._

**_Xab:_ ** _Ermm… Are you serious about the hospital part?_

**_Dagger:_ ** _No, I just wantto imply that NOBODY is supposed to call me ‘cute’_

**_Xab:_ ** _Even I can’t?_

Daniel bit his lips. He was not sure if being called ‘cute’ by Xabi was a good thing.

**_Dagger:_ ** _Well I guess I can bear one exception…_

**_Xab:_ ** _I know I’m your only exception *wink*_

‘Indeed’ – Daniel thought, but never said.

**_Dagger:_ ** _But fyi I prefer handsome/attractive/muscular... You have so many choices, Xab. Don’t sabotage me…_

**_Xab:_ ** _Ok fine I’ll try to look for another word then :(_ _  
_

 

 

But soon, Xabi’s search came to an end, fruitless.

-          Oh my God!!! She’s sooo lovely!!! Are you sure she is Pepe’s daughter?? She looks nothing like him!

-          Look at her golden silky hair!!! Pepe doesn’t even have hair! How is this possible??

-          Her eyes are damn big!!!

-          How old are you, little princess?

-          Dude, she doesn’t know how to talk! Can’t you see she keeps crying?!

-          But why is she crying??

-          Maybe we should pinch her cheeks then she won’t cry…

For some reasons, Pepe decided to bring his daughter to work that day, hoping to have a valuable bonding section between father and daughter. However, as soon as he arrived at training, he was summoned by the coach and had to leave his baby to the hands of his teammates.

Xabi smiled, shaking his head powerlessly. _These guys seriously need to get married soon_. They were surrounding and observing the baby, who was sitting on Jamie arm, with the eyes of the most professional biologists. And apparently, that freaked her out. Right at the moment Xabi felt like he should intervene in their observing session, Daniel arrived at the scene:

-          Gosh what are you guys doing??? Why is she crying??!

He immediately split the crowd to attend to the kid, whose crying was getting louder. He took her from Jamie’s arm, soothed her by stroking her hair while whispering something to her. After a short while, she stopped crying and started to giggle at Daniel. Xabi then realized that he was singing to the baby.

Soon the baby fell asleep calmly in Daniel’s arms. The other guys looked at him with their mouth opened, as if they had just watched a magic show:

-          How did you even do that???

-          Why did she cry?? She wants more attention?

-          Indeed she wants less of that. Please guys, imagine being surrounded by a bunch of strangers staring at you like you’re some panda in the city zoo… - Daniel rolled his eyes – Even I would freak out!

-          What did you do just now?? She’s like shut up immediately, man!!

-          I sang to her.

-          What???!!!

-          Yeah, I sang to her! – He looked at her warmly – Babies love music, you know…

-          Whoa now YOU are freaking us out Dan…

-          Exactly, this is so not you, all gentle and sweet!!!

-          Well, I love babies I guess… - He gently kissed her forehead and smiled – I mean, who doesn’t?

That was when Xabi concluded: ‘cute’ was definitely the word for Daniel Agger.


	8. The Ruined Plan

Steven really wanted to punch himself. How could he forget about it?!

He used to see the Coldplay concert poster in City Hall months ago, when he and Xabi went there to have lunch together.

-          They actually come again! – Xabi said, gazing at the huge poster.

-          Yeah! – Steven answered excitedly. He turned to Xabi, suddenly felt a bit nervous – Hmm… Do you want to go this time? Together? I’ll get the tickets…

Xabi looked at him. Steven could not read the feelings in his eyes at that moment, but then, much to Steven’s relief, Xabi answered with a big smile on his face:

-          Sure, why not?

But then, Steven completely forgot about it. Not until this morning when he saw their poster again on a bus passing by did he realize the concert was coming in one week time. If punching himself actually helped, he would not mind doing it at all; but unfortunately it didn’t, so he really needed to get down to fixing the problem.

He didn’t want to screw things up again.

 

 

 

After spending a whole morning trying to contact everyone he knew, he finally found the solution. The son of one of his seniors back in secondary school bought a few extra tickets to resell, as he knew the demand would be extremely high.

-          £180 for a pair. You’d better be quick; this is like my second last pair already.

_Only twelve years old, already setting up black market_ – Steven thought - _Kids these days…_

He was already about to buy the tickets, when he suddenly thought he should check with Xabi first. It was a bit strange that the younger man did not mention the concert at all in any of their conversation. It would be so sad if he bought the tickets and learned that Xabi would not be able to come on that day, having some other plans.

So the next day, when he saw Xabi in the locker room after training:

-          Hey Xabi, you have anything on this weekends?

-          Why? You have some interesting plans? – Xabi asked, totally forgot the date of the concert at that moment.

-          It’s about the concert, Xabi. You know, I totally forgot about it until yesterday and had to call everyone I have ever known to get the tickets. Luckily a guy’s son had some spare. I think I’m getting the ticket from him, so I just want to make sure you’re free on that…

Steven stopped talking as he saw the expression on Xabi’s face.

-          Oh God! I’m so sorry Stevie!!! I should have told you earlier… - Xabi closed his eyes and sighed – I cannot go to the concert with you.

-          Why? – Steven felt like he was struck by lightning. He asked, but barely heard himself. – What’s wrong?

-          Hmm it’s like a few months back I planned to get the tickets, as I knew you would forget, and I wanted to surprise you. But then they said the amount of tickets released is very limited this year. It was really troublesome to get a pair, so I just thought maybe next time.

-          But then why can’t you go with me? I mean that brat is surely evil, doubling the actual price and everything. But I don’t mind at all, as long as we can go together… - Steven said, not realizing how upset he sounded. It made Xabi feel even worse about what he was going to say.

-          Stevie… - He cleared his throat – Daniel asked me to go to the concert with him…

-          Daniel who? Daniel Agger??! – Steven could not believe what he heard – So you’re going with him??

-          Yes, I am. – Xabi sighed – I’m really sorry Steven. I didn’t expect that you would suddenly remember and actually find a way to get those tickets. I just… I’m really, really sorry... I just thought you would not mind…

Steven was so mad. Not at Xabi – he knew he didn’t have the right to. He was just getting back what he had done to Xabi last year, ditching him at the concert to hang out with Fernando. He breathed in, trying to maintain his temper:

-          Is it a date? – He finally asked.

-          Well… not official…

-          So you mean… you two really have something going on? – Steven looked up.

Somehow, Steven was making Xabi feel really terrible. He knew he should not feel so guilty, especially about what he was having with Daniel. As a friend, Steven surely wouldn’t have a problem with that, right?

-          Well that is also not so official. We’re just… hmm… getting to know each other more…

-          How? Since when?

-          Since last month I think. Jamie told me that the boy had a crush on me. I think he’s a nice kid so yeah…

-          Why didn’t you tell me?

-          Because it’s not official yet. I want to tell you only when everything has been settled…

Steven didn’t ask anything else. He remained quiet, trying to avoid Xabi’s eyes, which were looking at him worriedly. After a while, he said:

-          Well, I’d better get going…

-          Oh… okay. Goodbye, Stevie. – Xabi gently touched his shoulder.

He stepped backward to avoid the touch. It hurt.

-          Goodbye, Xabi.

 

 

 

Steven didn’t feel like going back to his room, not when his roommate was no one else but Daniel Agger. So he went for a walk, just to clear his mind.

When he returned, Daniel was not in the room. However, Steven found a cookie on his bed.

_I’m sorry about anything I’ve done that makes you upset. Here’s a cookie for you :)_ _Let’s have dinner together on Friday night, okay? My treat!!_

_\- Xabi -_

Steven smiled, even though he felt so sad.

Gosh, if only Xabi knew how he was making things even more difficult for Steven.


	9. Realization (finally)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to Xabi Alonso the Boss!!!   
> I love you :) I mean, who doesn't...

-          Hey man! What’s up? – Jamie sat down next to Steven – What’s so urgent?

-          Hmm… can you tell me what you know about Xabi and Daniel?

-          What do you mean?

-          I know that they’re kinda together. Xabi told me just now. But I want to know more.

-          Well, there’s nothing much actually. About 4 months ago Daniel told me he liked Xabi, and asked me to help, since I’m Xabi’s roommate. Then there was this one time I was talking to Dan about Xabi on the phone when he walked in, hence he knew about the kid’s crush. Xabi hasn’t confirmed yet but I think he likes the kid, too. They’ve been texting for like a month. Daniel showed me some of the messages – quite optimistic, I think…

Steven’s face darkened. So all the times that Daniel smiled sheepishly at his phone… He thought the kid had just got a girlfriend or something like that. He didn’t see this coming at all.

-          Don’t you think that’s a bit too easy? I mean, Xabi seems to be quite impulsive, just throwing himself at the kid like that. They were not even that close! What if the boy’s feeling is only short-lived? – Steven had nothing against Daniel, honestly. He loved the boy, and they got along very well. But the whole thing somehow pissed him off.

-          Short-lived? I don’t think so, Stevie. The boy is like head over heels for Xabi!

-          How do you know?

-          Just look at what he does! – Jamie found Steven’s attitude really strange - He waited for like 15 hours, even slept outdoor to get Coldplay tickets for Xabi. Everyday he wakes up at 4.30 am to go get some fresh morning flowers and puts in Xabi’s locker. He tries to learn to play all the songs Xabi likes on guitar. He even starts to pick up Spanish! You know how much the kid hates memorizing stuff. I mean, even I would fall for someone who does all those things for me!

-          Those are surely romantic, but they don’t prove he loves Xabi. It may just be an infatuation!!!

-          Well then what have you done to prove your love for Xabi? – Jamie folded his arms.

-          Wh...What are you talking about?! – Steven didn’t know why, but he felt like a criminal being caught red-handed.

-          Oh please, Stevie! You’ve been acting like a kid who’s got his toys taken away. You’re jealous with Daniel!!

-          Excuse me?! No, I’m definitely not!! Why would I?!

-          Because… - Jamie rolled his eyes – …you’re in love with Xabi. Isn’t it obvious?

-          I’m n…! – Steven was about to yell, but he stopped. Instead, he mumbled to himself – I cannot be… I mean, after everything…

-          Everything? There was something between you two? – Jamie frowned.

Steven bit his lips, not sure if he should tell Jamie. Eventually, he gave in.

 

 

 

-          You’re such a douche! – Jamie concluded after hearing Steven’s story.

-          I’m not! Well, maybe a bit… But it’s just that I’m really bad at handling things like that! I always screw up…

-          Indeed you’re obviously terrible at it! If I were Xabi, I would at least punch you, you know. The guy must have liked you a lot, letting things go like that without holding grudges.

-          Yeah sometimes I wondered what I’ve done to deserve love and care from a person like him. He’s just so… wow! Gosh I’m feeling like a dumbass right now…

-          Why? For mistreating him?

-          For letting him go.

-          So you admit you’re in love with him?

Steven didn’t answer. It was painful to put the confession in words, especially when it would not help the fact that he had lost Xabi.

-          What should I do now? – Instead, he asked.

-          Well, I can’t really help you, you know. Honestly I love seeing Daniel and Xabi together; the kid has fought so hard for it! I know it hurts to face the truth, but you have missed your chance. Maybe all you can do now is to wish him the best and move on!

-          I guess you’re right… - Steven sighed – But it seemed so hard! How did Xabi even deal with it??

-          I don’t know either… – He turned to Steven – Hey, I know it sounds weird but why don’t you try out things with Fernando? I thought you were interested in him?

-          I thought so, but it turned out that he was… I don’t know… too playful, I guess? It was fun hanging out with him but he’s… he’s just not Xabi! The feelings are actually very different…

-          I see… - _Too bad you didn’t realize it in time._ Jamie thought, but was sensitive enough to keep it for himself – I’m sorry that I can’t really do anything to help you.

-          It’s okay. I just kinda need an outlet. It’s been a bit tough for me, acting all normal in front of Daniel. Well, I guess I need to get used to that…

Just as Steven stood up to return to his room, Jamie suddenly said:

-          Hey, I really think you should talk about it with Xabi. He would know how to make you feel better.

-          Well I… - Steven paused – Yeah I will do that. Thanks, Jamie!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much progress, I know, but I'll upload more often. Promise!!!


	10. Stars in Your Eyes

Xabi and Steven were having dinner together that Friday night, like Xabi had promised. The younger man was excitedly explaining some dribbling skills he had just picked up, but Steven barely listened. Chin on his palm, he was gazing at Xabi, wondering why only until so late did he realize he loved everything about the person in front of him.

He thought about Jamie’s advice, that he should expose his feelings to Xabi at some point of time. If he chose to do it right now, maybe, just maybe, he could win Xabi back? Maybe Xabi would realize he still had feelings for Steven too and they would get together, which was all that Steven wanted. He knew it would be cruel to Daniel, but the desire was so strong. He reached out, making Xabi pause on his talk.

-          Is there something wrong? – Xabi looked confused.

-          Xabi… - Steven felt an imaginary weight heaving upon his chest - …there’s something I need to tell you.

-          What is it? You make me so nervous…

_‘He makes me so nervous!’_

Suddenly, Steven’s mind went back to the conversation he had with Daniel yesterday…

 

_……………………………………Flashback……………………………………_

 

When Steven came back, the room was empty. He sighed, a bit glad that he didn’t have to face Daniel, and sat down on his bed. At that very moment, the bathroom door swung open and Daniel stepped out, wearing a black chemise and red tie.

-          Gosh, so lucky you’re here, Stevie! How do I look??

-          Not bad! – Steven was trying to act normal, but what he said was honest: Daniel looked really good in the outfit. It suited him in an unexpected way.

-          Really?! Are you sure? – He smiled nervously – You know I don’t usually… well, ever dress like this, so I can’t be sure if I look okay…

-          Well, it seems to work on you then. What’s the occasion?

-     Oh, hmm… I’m… - The way he suddenly became all shy and stammering vaguely hinted out the answer to Steven - …I’m kinda having a date.

Steven felt a sudden pain in his chest, and a lump started to form at the back of his throat. But he tried hard to keep it cool.

-          You mean going to the concert with Xabi?

-          How… how do you know?

-          He told me the other day.

-          Oh right!! You two are very close, I should have expected that… - He paused, as if to think about what he was going to say – You know, honestly, I used to be really jealous with you…

-          Huh? Why?! Because I’m close to Xabi?

-          Yeah, something like that… And there were times when I saw the way he looked at you… I don’t know, I just thought that look was not just for anyone. There were like hundred of stars in his eyes…

Daniel stopped as he saw the look on Steven’s face – a mixture of shock, pain and immense sadness.

-          What’s wrong? Are you okay?

Only then was Stevie aware of his facial expression, and immediately adjusted:

-          Oh no! No, nothing! – He cleared his throat – Well, Daniel, there’s actually nothing between us. We’re just close friends.

-          Thanks, I don’t feel that way anymore, anyway. Maybe I was just too insecure back then… But you two are like… well, like soul mates, you know? Having something like that with Xabi… I can’t help but feeling jealous…

-          You really like him, don’t you?

-          I… I don’t know! I mean… sometimes, just sometimes, I think it’s more than that. I’m kinda… in love with him…

Steven was amazed. He knew Daniel well enough: he was a good guy, but had always been violent, impulsive, short-tempered and even reckless at times. No one could control the kid, even Daniel himself. He did what he liked and spoke what he thought. He was frank and bold, and never gave a shit about others’ impression on him.

But now…

He looked through his closet, put on formal clothes - which normally he would definitely give a pass - for his date with Xabi (but maybe Steven should tell him to skip the tie. It was an alternative rock concert, anyway); he lost his fluency whenever he talked about Xabi; and at the moment he was confessing to Steven how insecure he used to feel, and that he didn’t just like, but loved Xabi! The kid had become a completely different person. Steven wondered what the heck Xabi had done to Daniel.

But then, he realized he was not in a better position. He was just as all over the place as Daniel for Xabi. And suddenly, his heart softened. He sympathized with the kid.

-          It’s okay to be in love with Xabi. – _It’s hard not to_. – He’s a great person.

Daniel didn’t reply. He remained quiet, and finally let out a long sigh; his fingers ran through his hair:

-          But he makes me so nervous! What if I screw things up? What if all he had for me is nothing but pity?

Steven smiled sadly and shook his head. _If only things were actually like that…_

-          Kid, listen to me. I know Xabi well enough, and seriously, he seems to like you too. – _Which hurts –_ So stop panicking!

-          I hope you’re right… – Daniel grinned at last – I seriously need to stop being so fucking pathetic.

-          Good luck, man.

 

_…………………………………End of Flashback…………………………………_

 

-          Stevie? What is it? – Xabi repeated.

-          Well, it’s about Daniel… - _Please don’t go out with him._ Steven was on the verge of saying so.

But right at the moment he mentioned Daniel’s name, although just for a split of a second, he saw Xabi’s eyes twinkled as if they were filled with a thousand stars.

And Steven knew he had lost the game.

-          What’s with Daniel? – Xabi asked.

-          Please don’t… - Steven made up his mind - …hide things between you two from me. Keep me updated.

Xabi thought that was a little bit weird, but he didn’t mind:

-          Sure, if you want to know anything, just ask.

-          And if he hurts you in any way, I want to be the first to know.

-          Okay… - Xabi added – But I believe he won’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see I have put the total number of chapters for this whole mess, which means... I have figured out the rest of the plot. Yayy!!


	11. The Second Concert...

It was one hour before the concert hit off. Daniel was standing at the gate, besides his mini truck, waiting nervously for Xabi to appear. He kept on fidgeting, feeling more than a bit anxious. But he knew he could make this right, with all the preparations he had made…

-          Hi there! – Finally, Xabi showed up in his Coldplay t-shirt and leather jacket. Daniel felt so grateful that he listened to Steven and skipped the tie. Xabi looked at him from head to toes – You look…

-          Weird? I don’t usually wear shirt…

-          No, no!!! You look awesome! It suits you just fine… - Xabi smiled, and gently touched his shoulder. That was more than what Daniel needed to keep calm.

 

 

 

They were rather quiet during the drive, which made Daniel uncomfortable. He tried hard to come up with something to strike the conversation, but eventually gave up:

-          I really want to talk to you, but I can’t think of anything!

-          Yeah, this is kinda awkward… Maybe it’s because we texted too much…

-          You… don’t want us to text anymore? – Daniel asked, feeling dry in his throat. Was Xabi trying to say they should stop what they were having?

-          No, I mean… Texting causes lack of real, meaningful interaction. I want to talk to you more as a real person, you know, hang out and spend more time together or something…

Daniel could not help but smiled widely. He was gaining more and more confidence.

-          Yeah I’d love to do that as well… But being around you, sometimes I just feel really nervous! Then I’ll start talking rubbish…

-          Well, I like your silly talks! It’s cute.

-          I thought we have agreed on finding other words than ‘cute’?

-          I tried, but ‘cute’ is the answer.

-          How the heck is that even possible? – Daniel laughed, but then silence took over again.

Finally, Daniel decided to break it with a question that had been burning in him. He took a deep breath:

-          Xab… - He could feel his heart beating hard in his chest - …is this a date?

Xabi was quite surprised, but soon responded:

-          I’m not so sure. Do you think it is?

-          I… I don’t know… really…

-          Well… let’s just see how things turn out… - He smiled at the boy - … and then decide whether this is a date or not.

 

 

 

Due to the limited number of tickets, the crowd was considerably smaller than the year before. Xabi liked it that way – it was much cosier, and the exclusiveness made him feel special. The concert hit off with some songs in the new album; then alternated with several all time hits. The band was great as ever: they knew how to create the mood. Sometimes you felt like the melodies tucked you into bed, made you a cup of hot chocolate and hugged you tightly to keep you warm from the cold, wet and depressing December weather of Liverpool; while in some other times they were strong and passionate like fire beneath your seat, forced you to stand up, join the thousands of people and just go with the flow.

As soon as the first few notes of Viva La Vida were played, people rose up to their feet. Xabi and Daniel followed suit, arms around each other’s shoulders.

_“I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing_   
_Roman Cavalry choirs are singing_   
_Be my mirror, my sword and shield_   
_My missionaries in a foreign field”_

Daniel turned to look at Xabi, who was singing along passionately, and felt amazed. He had never expected to see Xabi enjoy himself so much – He was too acquainted with the calm and poised image of the older man. But he was glad there were other sides of Xabi that he had yet to discover.

Daniel directed his attention back to the stage and voiced up to join the crowd.

_“For some reason I can't explain_   
_Once you're gone there was never_   
_Never an honest word_   
_But that was when I ruled the world”_

Xabi looked at Daniel through the corner of his eyes. The boy seemed to be having a good time, which made Xabi feel relieved. The concert was special to him, but more importantly he wanted to share the experience with the boy. He wanted Daniel to enjoy the time they spent together.

The next few songs were exhilarating. Daniel was super excited when the band made a cover of “Lips Like Sugar”, one of his favourites.

Chris Martin raised his hand, signaling that it was time for some soothing tunes. The audience made themselves comfortable again in their seats. Xabi relaxed and leaned backwards. Coldplay soft songs always put him at ease.

But as the intro flowed in the air, he felt as if someone was squeezing his heart.

_“When you try your best but you don’t succeed…”_

He closed his eyes. Not this song again. Not here. Not now.

Since the incident last year, he had been trying his best to avoid listening to this song. At first, it was because he was still in love with Steven, and listening to it made him miss Steven so much, much more than he could imagine missing someone he met daily. But as things got better, the song simply made him feel uncomfortable, and he would switch the channel or walked away.

But now, stuck in the Arena where he had been stood up one year ago by Steven, having no choice but to listen to this goddamn song, Xabi felt worse than ever. As the song went on, the memories ran through his mind, surrounding him. He could see himself standing alone helplessly; staring at the one he loved, who walked in with young, blonde and pretty Fernando. The image was so vivid that he felt his inside cracking and collapsing all over again.

He realized that the pain had never gone away. It was just forgotten.

Suddenly, Xabi felt cold, and scared, and unbearably lonely. But worst of all, he was utterly confused. Does this mean he was still in love with Steven? How is that possible? He had tried so hard, done everything he could, become an almost completely new person; but just one stupid song and all the feelings locked up within him flushed out, destroying everything in their path.

_After all, I’m just a sentimental, useless idiot…_

The thought made Xabi want to cry so badly.


	12. ... & what happened after that

Xabi was probably at his breaking point when he suddenly felt a hand placed on his, squeezing gently. He turned his head, only to see Daniel looking at him worriedly. It pulled Xabi back to reality immediately.

_“Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bone…”_

-          Are you okay? – The boy whispered.

The intensity of the pain in Xabi’s heart reduced; and the feelings soon faded away, as unexpectedly as their arrival. Xabi could feel his body loosen up. Just a touch of the hands. How strange…

_“… and I will try…”_

-          I’m okay. – He whispered back with a smile, decided to let his hand rest under Daniel’s.

_“…to fix you.”_

_To be honest, the song doesn’t feel that bad anymore..._

 

 

 

Daniel didn’t quite get what had happened.

Just at some point of time when he turned to Xabi, he realized the older man was shutting his eyes tight. He seemed tired, and hurt. Without thinking much, Daniel reached out for Xabi’s hand. Even though it was merely an attempt to comfort rather than an act of affection, he could not deny he was too impulsive.

But as he saw Xabi’s smile, he knew the Basque appreciated it.

That was how he realized he seriously needed to stop thinking too much and doubting himself if he wanted things to work out.

 

With that in mind, he had the courage to tell Xabi during their drive back home:

-          Xab, I don’t really want to go back now.

And to his surprise, Xabi replied:

-          Me either. The night has been great! I don’t want it to end yet…

-          Do you want to go anywhere particularly? ‘Cause I have a place in mind…

So they ended up on a gentle hill far away from the light and buildings of the city.

-          Nice spot! – Xabi looked out from the side window, enjoyed the gentle breezes against his face.

Daniel got off, but told Xabi to wait inside. After about 15 minutes, he came back and opened the door:

-          Come out here, I want to show you something!

-          What is it? What did you d…? Wow…

Xabi gasped at the sight: the back of the truck had been outlined with many little light bulbs, which were blinking continuously.

-          Our own starry sky. God knows why today not a single star can be spotted from here. What do you think? –The boy smiled with satisfaction. He was pleased with his work.

-          It’s amazing, really!! You prepared all these?

-          They’re nothing much… - Daniel said as he climbed into the bed of the truck – Come on in!

-          You brought a guitar as well?!

-          Yeah, I’ve been practicing some songs. I want you to be the first audience… - He looked up and smiled sheepishly, making Xabi blush. – I looked through many Coldplay songs, but I ended up with this. I just… I really want you to listen to it…

Xabi nodded encouragingly. He sat with his legs up, arms around his knees. Daniel strummed the first few chords, and started to sing…

 

_“When your legs don't work like they used to before_   
_And I can't sweep you off of your feet_   
_Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love_   
_Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks_   
  
_And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70_   
_And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23_   
_And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways_   
_Maybe just the touch of a hand_   
_Oh me I fall in love with you every single day_   
_And I just wanna tell you I am_   
  
_So honey now_   
_Take me into your loving arms_   
_Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars_   
_Place your head on my beating heart_   
_I'm thinking out loud_   
_Maybe we found love right where we are_   
  
_When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades_   
_And the crowds don't remember my name_   
_When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm_   
_I know you will still love me the same_   
  
_'Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it's evergreen_   
_Baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory_   
  
_I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways_   
_Maybe it's all part of a plan_   
_I just keep on making the same mistakes_   
_Hoping that you'll understand_   
  
_But baby now_   
_Take me into your loving arms_   
_Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars_   
_Place your head on my beating heart_   
_I'm thinking out loud_   
_That maybe we found love right where we are_   
  
_Oh maybe we found love right where we are_   
_And we found love right where we are…”_

_\- Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran -_

 

Daniel put down his guitar and shifted nearer to Xabi, who kept gazing at him, apparently too flushed with emotions to say anything.

-          Do you like it? – Daniel took both of Xabi’s hands and held them tight. His thumbs gently rubbed the other man’s palms.

-          I… - Xabi was still at loss of words. Daniel had never seen him so puzzled, and it made him all the more lovely - … I really, really like it. I don’t know what to say…

-          Well then tell me… - He looked into Xabi’s eyes - …what happened just now, in the concert?

For the first time, he felt somehow dominated by Daniel. The boy had surely gained lots of confidence.

-          It was the song… It brought up some bad memories, really bad ones… - Xabi hesitated. He didn’t think telling Daniel the whole Steven thing would benefit any of them. Besides, he didn’t really want to think about Steven anymore.

Seeing the reluctance in Xabi’s eyes, the boy decided not to push him:

-          If you don’t want to tell me, it’s okay. I just want to make sure you’re fine…

-          I’m fine, Dan, thanks to you just now… - He squeezed the younger boy’s hands – You’re always so kind to me…

They remained silent after that, not knowing what else to say, until Xabi broke it again:

-          And… - He looked at Daniel -… thanks for the flowers…

-          Wh…what flowers? – Daniel pretended to look confused.

-          Those in my locker. I know they’re yours, Jamie told me.

-          What?! Well he really can’t keep secrets, can he?

-          It’s okay; I’m glad he told me. But I don’t get why you don’t want me to know. – _It’s kinda obvious it’s you anyway_ \- The tickets, the flowers… I love all the things you did for me, you know. You don’t have to do them in secrets!

-          Well… I guess to me it doesn’t matter whether you know that it’s me who has done those things. I just want to see you happy! I feel the need to keep on doing things for you, even those that are very small and may go unnoticed. I can’t help it!

Although Daniel spoke very softly, Xabi felt as if the words were echoing in his head. He could hear their hearts beating loudly in their chests. He whispered, almost inaudibly:

-          Why?

Daniel didn’t answer. Instead, he leaned forward and pressed a short kiss on Xabi’s lips, so short that Xabi didn’t have time to react before it ended.

-          Now you know why?

Xabi cupped the young man’s face with his hands:

-          I guess so… - And he kissed Daniel.

The kiss was light and gentle at first, but soon, it accelerated. Daniel placed his hand behind Xabi’s head, pulling him in closer. The smashing of their lips got heated up. Daniel started to suck the other man’s lower lip violently, demanding for more. Xabi smiled, sliding his hands down Daniel’s shoulder and grabbed the young man by his collar.

Just as Xabi was about to part his lips, raindrops from God-know-where started to fall on them. There were just a few at first, but within milliseconds, it became one of those heavy rain which forced people to pause all types of activities they were involved in. Daniel and Xabi were no exception; they immediately pulled apart:

-          What the heck is this??!!

Daniel looked up at the sky now covered with dark grey clouds. _So that’s why there’s no star_. It was childish, but Daniel could not help feeling upset at how they were interrupted by the stupid rain. Xabi didn’t say anything; he just laughed, feeling amazed rather than pissed. It made Daniel feel worse:

-          How can you laugh?! The moment is ruined! – _If only you know how much and for how long I have wanted this…_

Xabi stopped laughing. He looked at Daniel through the heavy rain with such a seriousness that made Daniel confused.

-          Not necessarily…

Once again, he grabbed the younger man by the collar, smashing their lips together. Daniel responded spontaneously; his hands tracing down Xabi waist, pushing up the layer of wet shirt slightly. Xabi’s skin was cold as ice. He fixed his hands there, hoping to warm the other man with the heat of his palms. Xabi wrapped his arms around Daniel’s neck, trying to pull them close together. He parted his lips, and Daniel’s tongue immediately entered, giving deep and hard strokes. It was not hard to realize how eager Daniel was about the whole thing. _Maybe he had been waiting for too long._

The kiss was intense, and wet, mostly due to the cat-and-dog rain, but it somehow kept Xabi warm. After all these times, he finally found himself feeling complete.

 

 

 

But it also left him breathless. After a while, he had no choice but to pull away, feeling kinda guilty because Daniel did not seem ready to let go at all – he was still sucking hard on Xabi’s lips when Xabi gently pushed him, signaling the need to stop. He leaned his forehead against Daniel’s. Both of them were gaping, tried to compensate the lack of oxygen. Water was dripping from their hair and all over their faces.

And, as if to add some spices to the scenario, lightning and thunder came along.

-          Daniel, I’d love to continue, but the rain is getting a bit out of control…

-          Yeah, I think we should get into the car… - He ran his fingers along Xabi’s cheekbones - …I don’t want you to get sick. Your face is cold as ice!

So they got into the car and took off their wet clothes. Although Daniel turned on the radiator as soon as they entered, Xabi was trembling. Daniel searched around his messy truck and finally pulled out a thick blanket. He threw it around Xabi and wrapped the man up.

-          There you go! – He grinned, adoring how cute Xabi looked being wrapped in the blanket like a baby.

-          Thanks… - Xabi remained quiet for a short while, then – Daniel?

-          Yes?

-          Get in here with me… - Xabi whispered shyly.

Daniel lips curved up with a hint of mischievousness.

-          Of course.

He joined Xabi in the big, thick and fluffy blanket, putting his arm around Xabi’s waist. Xabi was taken aback and tried to shift away at first, but as Daniel’s grip remained firm, he gave in and snuggled against Daniel’s body, making himself comfortable. The young man was obviously pleased by that; he ran his fingers through Xabi’s wet hair and kissed his forehead.

\- You want some hot chocolate? – Daniel suddenly asked. Not waiting for Xabi to answer, he leaned forward, took out two cups, cocoa powder and a flask of hot water from the case below the steering wheel. Xabi stared at him with amazement while he made the drink:

-          You bring all these things in your truck?

-          Yeah, for nights that I camp out. Me and my truck, smoking and thinking about things… - He handed Xabi the cup and withdrew back into their fluffy nest.

-          What kind of things?

-          Well… all kinds of things… life, home, football, the team… - He paused to look at Xabi - …and you, sometimes.

Xabi smiled, realizing how effortlessly Daniel, with all the things he had said and done, slipped into his heart. Maybe falling in love was just that easy.

They drank their hot chocolate while gazing at the rain outside the windows. Conversations here and there.

In the end, both of them fell asleep, leaning against each other, wrapped together in a big, thick, fluffy blanket.

Xabi knew that was certainly one of the nights he would never, ever forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I used is not Coldplay's, and is no way released in 2008, but I love it too much!! So please, excuse me...  
> And sincere apology to f1dream that things turn out a bit more complicated and not like what you may expect, for now :)
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos!! We're halfway through!! Please bear with me...


	13. If only you know it kills me...

Steven woke up again at 4 a.m. The bed beside his was still empty. He sat up, buried his face in his hands and let out a sigh.

He took his phone and called Jamie. Long beeps. Steven felt guilty for interrupting his friend’s precious sleep. But what else could he do?

-          Hello…? – Sleep voice.

-          Hey, is Xabi back yet?

-          No… Sorry Stevie…

-          Oh, okay… - He pursed his lips - …sorry, I won’t call again…

-          It’s okay. Bye, Stevie. Get some sleep.

A similar cycle of waking up - staring at the empty bed - calling Jamie - going back to sleep had happened several times that night. But Steven didn’t think he would go back to bed anymore. He felt a bit sick. The ache in his heart would not go away.

Just as he left the bathroom after getting ready for the early day, he heard Daniel’s truck engine. Steven immediately darted towards his windows. Hiding behind the curtain, he stared down at the entrance.

After parking, Daniel got off, followed by Xabi. They walked slowly together, side by side, but not so close. There was no sign of affection or intimacy, which made Steven feel more than relieved. _Maybe they just went to the concert then got stuck in the rain. Maybe there has not been any kind of progress between them… -_ Steven thought with hopes.

 

 

 

As they got nearer to the main door, they stopped. Daniel turned to Xabi:

-          I think you should go in first. If we walk in together at this kind of hour and the guys spot us, training tomorrow will be hell…

Xabi chuckled, but nodded:

-          Yeah, let’s keep this for our own first… Well, goodbye, Dan. - He smiled sweetly.

Daniel just stood there, gazing at Xabi’s back as the older man walked away. Something was burning inside Daniel. He didn’t want the wonderful night (well, morning, whatever) to end like this.

He sped up towards Xabi, too quickly for the man to notice the sound of his rushing footsteps. He threw his arms around Xabi’s waist, pulling him into a tight classical hug-from-the-back. As Xabi turned his head and the word “huh” did not even fully escape from his mouth, Daniel locked their lips in a passionate kiss. Xabi’s eyes widened with shock at first, but soon his eyelids dropped, and he immersed himself in the moment. He placed a hand on the back of Daniel’s neck, pressing gently.

After a while, they decided to break off, not wanting to be seen in a state that was even more intimate than just walking in together. Xabi leaned backwards, whispered into Daniel’s ear:

-          This is definitely a date.

 

 

 

Steven felt like he was shot dead right at the spot. His throat was dry, and his heart had surely dropped down to his stomach. He could not describe what he was feeling - so terrible it was beyond words.

He just stood there, watching Xabi walking out of his sight. Only when Daniel did an air-punching celebration and jogged up to their room did Steven realize he needed to calm down and prepared himself to face the kid.

Just as he sat down on his bed, the door swung open.

-          Oh hi, Stevie!! – Daniel didn’t hide his surprise. – Up so early?

-          Yeah, hard to sleep… - Steven swallowed an imaginary lump in his throat – How was the date?

-          Well… - Daniel walked slowly towards his bed, trying not to smile -… it was okay…

-          Just okay? – Steven raised his eyebrows – Are you sure?

-          Fine, fine! It was… Gosh, it was amazing!!! Stevie, you can never imagine… even I myself could not imagine such an amazing first date. – Daniel let himself fall onto his bed, a wide smile on his face – I’m so in love with him…

-          Sure you are… - The Scouser smiled sadly.

-          I know this sounds really shallow, you know I’m not good with words, but Xabi is so fucking hot! Everything about him somehow turns me on!

-          So you two… hmm… spend the night together?

-          Yeah, why? - Daniel looked at Steven, confused why his captain asked something so obvious; but then he realized what Steven actually meant. The boy shook his head – Oh no, no, not like that! We spent the night sleeping together, like actually sleeping, you know. We didn’t have sex.

And it was everything Steven needed to hear. He restrained himself from letting out a sigh of relief, afraid that the young man would suspect.

But his little joy didn’t last long. Considering that Daniel and Xabi were officially together now, he knew sooner or later it would happen, and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

 

 

The following weeks were surely hell, but not so terrible as Steven thought they would be. Daniel spent less and less time in their room. For the first few days, it really got on Steven’s nerves every time the boy left; because he was 90% sure that Daniel was off to hang out with Xabi. The percentage increased up to 99.99% when he caught the boy sneak back to their room very late at night, or sometimes early in the morning.

However, Steven soon realized that it was better for him not to see them at all rather than to see them together. Luckily, the two of them wanted to keep their relationship for themselves, and they hid it very well. If you didn’t know that they were together and hence never cared to look at them closely enough, you would never find out.

But Steven cared, and he observed them so well he didn’t miss a single hint. He saw Daniel tilting his head to touch Xabi’s shoulder for a only a few seconds while the team gathered around the coach; he saw Daniel grabbing Xabi’s little finger every time the kid passed by Xabi’s locker; he saw Xabi rubbing Daniel’s head before sliding his hand down to touch the boy’s cheek very quickly; he saw the way they looked at each other, the way one smiled when the other’s name was mentioned, the way they acted like they were nothing more than teammates but there was indeed so much beneath, so much between them that beam of affection was escaping from them more and more intensely.

All the little things going on between them were killing Steven, every single day.


	14. Confession

-          Hey Xab, come look at this!!

-          Why, what is it Dan?

Steven looked up secretively from behind the newspaper, only to see Xabi lean in closer to Daniel, frowning as he tried to look for what Daniel wanted him to see.

 

Xabi had begun to spend more and more time in Steven’s room (well, to be more accurate, Daniel’s room). Since the couple wanted to keep things in secret, they had no choice but to stay in either of their rooms or the bleacher during the late hours, when they could be sure that no one was enthusiastic enough for a self-practice session.

Actually, Steven should not have felt so uncomfortable – they did not really do anything that crossed the border. Most of the time, they just lied around to read books, watched a movie, played FIFA or listened to some music. They didn’t even talk that much. But somehow, the silence, the ways they spent time together without the need of words made things even more intimate, and hence, more unbearable for Steven.

 

But most importantly, they didn’t always keep themselves away from the border.

 

As Xabi was still having a difficult time in realizing what Daniel wanted to show him, the kid smirked mischievously and tilted his head to kiss Xabi on the cheek.

‘Oh God…’ Steven squeezed his eyes shut, let out a silent sigh. Xabi punched Daniel on his arm, lovingly of course, and smiled at Steven apologetically. Didn’t really want to say ‘it’s okay’ (because it’s not), Steven just smiled back helplessly, hoping his facial expression could convince Xabi that he wasn’t bothered at all.

 

 

 

However, it did bother Steven, and he knew he would not be able to handle it for much longer.

-          Hey Xabi… - He spoke up one day, as they were playing FIFA together. Even though Xabi spent very much of his time with Daniel, he still managed to put aside some for Steven. They still hung out, and Friday nights were still their FIFA nights.

-          Yes?

-          How is it going with Daniel?

-          Well… - Xabi said, his eyes still focused on the tiny figures all over the screen - …things are good, really good, I guess…

-          … Do you like him?

-          I… - He hesitated for a second before answering with a genuine smile - … yeah, I do, much, much more than I ever thought I would. I think I’m kinda in love with him, you know…

Steven felt a painful twist in his stomach, as if someone was squeezing the life out of him. Breathing suddenly became an extremely challenging task.

Xabi easily passed Steven’s motionless defenders and scored a beautiful goal. He turned to his friend:

-          Hey Stevie, I… Oh God… - Xabi immediately paused the game as he saw the expression on Steven’s face. The Scouser was looking at him intensely and seemed to be very close to tears already. Xabi quickly stood up and put a reassuring hand on Steven’s shoulder – Just… wait here, I’ll go and make you some hot drink…

Soon he came back with a cup of warm milk and sat down, handing his friend the drink:

-          Now tell me what’s wrong. Are you stressed or something? You seemed like you’re suffering so much…

-          Believe me, I am… - Steven took a sip – I… I know I should not be feeling this way, but things hurt so bad! I don’t want to pretend to be okay anymore…

-          You don’t need to! But why is it? Is it something with the team? Or your family? Or…

Steven didn’t answer; he just kept staring at Xabi. The younger man immediately realized that:

-          Wait… it’s something related to me?

Steven nodded.

-          And… just random guess… Daniel?

He nodded again. Xabi let out a sigh:

-          I see… Is this about me spending less time with you? I’m really sorry then… I will…

-          Xabi. – Steven interrupted – I’m in love with you.

Xabi was clearly shocked. His jaws dropped and his eyes widened.

-          What did you just say?

-          I’m in love with you.

_Oh God…_

He tried to avoid Steven’s gaze as the older man continued:

-          I know this is stupid, I am stupid, but Xabi… I love you so much…

-          This is really bad timing, Stevie. You know that right? – Xabi whispered.

-          Yes! But please, Xabi, what can I do about it? I suck at dealing with emotions, suck at suppressing my feelings, suck at pretending. I’m so fucked up! – Steven sighed with frustration and buried his face in his hand – Oh God…I feel like I’m messing with your life, you know. Reject you when you want me, want you when you don’t want me anymore, confess to you when you’re with someone else. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Xabi turned and looked at his friend. Seeing Steven broken down like this tugged at his heartstrings. He put a hand on Steven’s back:

-          Stevie, I’m sorry… Listen, nothing is wrong with you. I mean, you have every right to feel whatever you want, whenever you feel like feeling them. I cannot criticize you for that!

-          Xabi, you don’t need to say so…

-          No I’m serious! Just don’t be so harsh on yourself. Take your time, eventually everything will be fine…

Once again Steven felt like the door was shut. He knew he should not expect anything, but he couldn’t help gripping tightly onto his hope out of desperation.

-          So… you’re over me? Completely?

_Just say yes and maybe, I’m not that confident, but maybe I can move on…_

-          Stevie, honestly speaking… - Xabi gathered all his courage to look at Steven in the eyes - …no, I’m not, I’ll never be.

Steven’s eyes opened with shock. He asked, feeling like a sleepwalking man:

-          Really?

-          Yes. The truth is I can never get over you, Stevie. There is, and will always be a part of me that adores you tremendously, a part of me that feels so sorry we didn’t get together…

Hope immediately gleamed in Steven’s eyes, and Xabi didn’t miss it. He sighed. Even though he hated to, he had to kill that spark of hope.

-          …but now, my heart belongs to Daniel. For a long time I didn’t want to be with anyone this much.  So please, Stevie, can we let this go?

The small smile on Steven’s face faded at once. He looked down at his fidgeting hands and bit his lips:

-          Not like I have any other choices…

-          Come on Stevie, look at me… - Xabi cupped Steven’s face - … I’m sorry, really, really sorry…

The older man just smiled and shook his head. He gazed at Xabi for the longest time ever, and eventually whispered:

-          Xabi… can I kiss you? Just for once…

The Basque was taken aback at first, but he nodded. The tension and intimacy of the situation seemed to make the kiss something inevitable.

Steven slowly closed the gap between them, pressing a soft but lingering kiss on Xabi’s lips. The younger man’s lips felt tender and sweet on his, making it so painful just to think about leaving them. The perfection of the moment almost moved him to tears, as thoughts about what he could have had and what they could have been flashed through his mind like hundreds of angry horses.

When they parted, Xabi reached to kiss Steven’s forehead. He asked, almost sounded like begging:

-          I know this is selfish as shit, but can you not disappear from my life? I don’t want to lose a friend like you. Please, please stay around…

-          Of course I will.

_Because as soon as our lips met, I knew I would never give up on you._

But there are always things that had better be left unsaid.


	15. Now that's official

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now each chapter will be much longer than before. Please bear with me ^3^

Daniel pushed Xabi to the lockers, pressed himself against the older man, closing any gaps between their bodies.

The locker room was completely empty; the last person (besides them, of course) had left 15 minutes ago. _Finally, some private time._

It was torturous for Daniel during the last few weeks. Although they spent much of their time together, Daniel barely had any chances to get close to his Xabi. They had agreed not to do anything suspicious in public or in front of their teammates, as Xabi had successfully persuaded him that PDA brought about nothing but inconvenience. When they stayed in their rooms, most of the time Jamie or Stevie would be there. Of course their roommates were sensitive enough and offered to leave, but after a few times, Xabi didn’t let them anymore, saying he felt really guilty to trouble them like that. So the furthest they could go was holding hands. Now and then Daniel took the risk to break the rule, only to receive loving-yet-painful punches on his arms accompanied by a deadly glare.

Sometimes, he just wanted to touch Xabi, to hug him from behind, to kiss him, to say ‘I love you’ to him without having to whisper.

_Fuck this secret love affair shit._ Daniel thought, as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss, sucking Xabi’s lips violently.

Xabi just smiled at the boy’s eagerness; his hand placed on Daniel’s shoulder, caressing all the way up to the back of the boy’s neck. He knew Daniel felt rather repressed recently, having to keep some distance when they were with the team. Keeping things for themselves was Xabi’s idea, and it was easy to see that Daniel was not so fond of it, but the young man consented anyway. Xabi appreciated that very much, so he tried to give Daniel all he could whenever they got alone.

Suddenly, the sound of footsteps and chatting echoed in from the walkway right outside. Xabi jerked his head up like a startled animal that heard his predators coming close. He pushed Daniel, who seemed to be unaware of the situation:

-          What is it? – Daniel asked, clearly blurred.

-          Someone is coming!

They had just enough time to separate when Alvaro and Pepe stepped in, talking excitedly. The two almost jumped when they saw the couple stood there staring at them:

-          What the heck are you two still doing here?? – Alvaro asked; his eyes widely opened.

-          We’re… talking! We’re talking about the new strategies discussed today! – Xabi licked his lips, quickly asked in return – What about you two?

-          Pepe forgot his wallet. We’re heading to the bar. You two want to come?

-          Yeah sure! – Xabi nodded, feeling relieved that they got away once again. – Dan, you’re coming?

-          I don’t mind.

 

 

 

Daniel did mind. Not about going to the bar, but about all the interruptions. They were proving to him that secret love affair was not a good idea at all.

However, not until a training session in the following week did he decide to confront Xabi about it.

-          Xabi! Gap! Dribble! Don’t stop!

-          Martin! Danger! Stop him!!

-          Stevie! Come! – Xabi shouted as he dribbled through the defenders. Just as he was about to make an assist for Steven to score, Martin did a slide tackle. It missed the ball by a few inches but hit Xabi perfectly on his ankle.

-          Argghh!! – Xabi felt a sharp pain in his foot as he fell down on the grass. He turned to his side and grabbed the injured foot.

-          Fuck!! Xabi are you okay??!! I’m so sorry!! Shit!! – Martin immediately knelt down besides him.

The rest of the team quickly gathered in a circle around them. Steven and Daniel joined Martin on the ground; both were panicking and started to drown Xabi in questions:

-          Are you okay?? Can you hear me?

-          Does it hurt anywhere else?? Xab, please say something don’t scare me!

But Xabi was too hurt to answer any of the questions. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to control his breathing. Soon, the medical staff attended to him.

-          One of you come with me to report what happened and tell the coach our diagnosis afterwards. – One of the staffs said after putting Xabi on the stretcher.

-          I’ll go! – Daniel stepped up immediately.

-          Danny, I think you should stay… - Jamie said – Maybe Stevie should go with them.

-          Yeah, let the captain handle it, kid. He needs to report to coach later anyway.

-          But…

-          Why are you so restless? Just stay with us la!

-          But I…

_‘Cause he my boyfriend, dude!_

-          Daniel – Steven patted his shoulder – Let me handle this. Don’t worry too much.

-          After training you all can come and visit him. – The staff smiled gently, and waved her hand to signal Steven to follow her.

 

 

 

-          It’s just a sprained ankle…

-          I know, Stevie told the team. – Daniel said as he swept Xabi’s forehead gently with his fingers, removing some strands of hair. He had waited until everyone had finished their visits, so that he could talk to Xabi privately.

-          So why are you looking like that? Something happened?

-          Well, this morning… the guys stopped me from following you here. They thought Stevie should go instead…

-          They think it’s the captain’s duty…

-          I know! But if they knew we’re together, they would have let me go!

-          Dan, I know you’ve been upset about this, but…

-          I know what you would say, about all the inconvenience and stuff. But it cannot be that bad! At least not as bad as how things are now. And we can’t keep this secret forever. You know it!

-          Dan, I… it’s not just about the possible hassles… There’s something else…

-          Why? What is it?

-          It’s just… Every time I reveal to people around me about my relationship with someone, I feel like something is turned off… Like a spell is broken, and some feelings will go missing… I don’t know why but it has always been like that, and I don’t want it to happen to us. I want the spell to last as long as it can…

Daniel raised an eyebrow. He just stared at Xabi.

-          I see… - Finally, he responded with a small smile.

-          So… can we drop this for now? I’m sorry…

-          You don’t need to be. Now get some rest, I’ll go buy you lunch. – He tucked Xabi back to bed and patted the man’s head. Only when Xabi had fallen asleep did he got up to leave.

 

 

 

Even though the sprained ankle was not too serious, the medical staff decided that Xabi needed to be excused from trainings for at least 6 weeks, which upset him greatly. Things got even worse when Daniel started to avoid him. Well, not exactly ‘avoided’. Daniel’s attitude was absolutely normal whenever they were together, but the problem was that their amount of time together was getting less and less significantly. The boy usually left right after training and came back rather late at night. Whenever Xabi asked, he just rambled about seeing some friends in town.

_Can this be about the whole secret relationship thing?_ Xabi tried hard not to think that Daniel might be fed up with him, or worse – cheating on him, but his mind went back along that track very often and it left him feeling terrible every time.

 

-          Coach, I need to leave now. I have something important to go for.

-          Seriously Agger? It’s only 15 minutes left!

-          Please, coach!! It’s really urgent!

-          Fine, I let you go. But only this time!

-          Thanks so much!!! I’ll train hard tomorrow!

Xabi sat silently on the bench and watched Daniel run away. He shook his head to clear his mind from the thoughts of where, or who, his boyfriend was running to. The boy didn’t even care to throw a look at him. Xabi spaced out for the rest of the training session, his heart felt so heavy in his chest.

 

Training was over. As everyone was gathering their things on the field, Xabi suddenly heard footsteps behind him. He frowned. It sounded as if there was not just one, but a rather large number of people marching towards him from the back. He turned his head, and gasped at what he saw.

A group of 13 men, all wearing suit, ties and sunglasses were marching pass him, carrying a huge box. Suddenly, they changed direction and stopped right in front of Xabi. Only then did they put down the box and formed a straight line. The Basque was too shocked to say anything. He just stared at them without blinking.

The rest of the team had noticed what was going on and made their way towards the bleacher.

-          Xabi, what is going on? – Steven looked at his friend, utterly confused. He sat down next to the Basque with his eyes still fixed on the human fence.

-          I don’t know! They just marched in and‘ve been standing like this so far…

The team gathered around Xabi. They all stared at the men curiously, but kept their distance, just in case these mysterious individuals went mad and took out the guns to kill them all.

-          What the heck is this? Is it some kind of prank? - They whispered among one another. – What is in that box? Washing machine??

-          How did they even get through the security guards??

-          Shit, what if they killed all the guards already??!!!

And just as sudden as the gang’s entrance, a voice echoed through the announcement speaker.

_‘Baby squirrel, you’re a sexy motherfucker’_

What. The. Fuck.

_‘Give me all, give me all, give me all attention baby_   
_I got to tell you a little something about yourself_   
_You're wonderful, flawless, ooh you're a sexy lady_   
_But you walk around here like you wanna be someone else…’_

 

All their jaws dropped as the human fence started to groove to the music with 70s dance moves. Those who were standing started to find a seat. Despite not knowing how on Earth it happened, they all knew it was good shit that they could enjoy only once in their lifetime.

_Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh_

_I know that you don't know it, but you're fine, so fine_   
_(fine, so fine)_   
_Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh_

_Oh girl I'm gonna show you when you're mine, oh mine (mine, oh mine)_

All at once, the dancers turned to point at the box. And, to everyone’s amazement, Daniel-freaking-Agger jumped out and landed perfectly on the ground, wearing red suit and black bowtie. Xabi was not sure if his eyes could possibly widen further without popping out.

_Treasure, that is what you are_   
_Honey you're my golden star_   
_I know you could make my wish come true_   
_If you let me treasure you_   
_If you let me treasure you_

_Oh oooooh_

Daniel joined the dancers. Although he was not as professional, his moves were nice and smooth. The crowd went wild when the boy started to sway his way to stand right in front of Xabi. The music immediately faded, becoming a soft and sweet background. He knelt down and took Xabi’s hand:

-          I know you may not want this, I know you may chide me later for ignoring what you said and doing what I want instead, I know you may find it hard to accept the overwhelming level of cheesiness of the whole thing. But Xabi Alonso Olano, I want to be with you. And now standing in front of you, I’m so nervous that I forgot my pick-up line, so can you just say yes anyway?

Xabi was surrounded by complete silence: the only sound he heard was the background music still going on. Everyone, even the dancers, held their breath, waiting for his answer. Xabi could feel blood flushing in his cheeks as he whispered:

-          Yes, to whatever question you’re having there…

The crowd remained silent for one second before breaking out in loud cheering and chanting. Daniel pulled Xabi into a tight embrace.

-          So this is what you’ve been up to? ‘Seeing friends in town’ huh?

-          Well for your information these dancers are actually my friends, and they live in town. Sorry for leaving you alone these days. Intense practices, you see…

-          I seriously thought that you were fed up with me.

-          Dream of it! I don’t see that coming in a billion years… - Daniel squeezed Xabi a little harder - … But thanks Xab, I would not know what to do if you say no, really…

-           It has been and will always be a ‘yes’, you know it…

-          Awww!!! That’s so sweet!!! – They looked up only to see all their teammates had surrounded them into close knit circle.

-          Well, Daniel, good one I must say…

-          … but cheesy as shit, just for your information.

-          Now now don’t be so harsh on the kid! He did his best!

-          And he got the prize! But how the shit did you two happen? I’m completely clueless!

-          This is unfair! I’m supposed to know about all the love affairs going on in this team! And Xabi here is my best friend!

-          Haha, don’t pout, Alv! – Daniel laughed – Just accept there are always exceptions, even to your perfect net of info…

-          But this is really heartwarming! – Pepe said excitedly and opened his arms widely – Perfect timing for group hug!!

So they all huddled together. Everyone tried their best to reach and punch Daniel – they considered it as a form of congratulation to the boy’s achievement – and hence, caused quite a chaos. As Xabi was struggling among all the arms and legs of his teammates, he felt someone’s hand on his, holding tightly. He looked up and saw Daniel gazing at him, smiling sheepishly, like the first time they sat together in the bed of Daniel’s mini truck under the moonless sky.

That was when Xabi realized the spell was still in force. It was not at all broken.

Not this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another song in no way released in 2008... Please excuse me...


	16. Truth or Dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliché. I know...

-          Guys, I think we should hire a band or something! We have never done that!

-          I don’t think we have budget for that. Meat and alcohol need to be prioritized!

-          Well, we can hire a cheap one… Oh oh oh!!! I know!! We can ask the Men In Black to perform for free!

-          Men in what??!

-          Men In Black! You know, the dancers Daniel hired to invade us. How can you forget them??!

-          Oohh right! You’re talking about those guys! Hey Danny they’re your friends right? Can ask them to come or not? Tell them we have beer!

-          Yeah, Daniel, then you can join them in the performance as well! You guys had quite a show last time. You danced like an electrocuted turkey…

-          First of all, I don’t think they can make it. They have many shows to run for during Christmas. And second …– Daniel folded his arms – Excuse me but what the heck is an electrocuted turkey? I danced like a pro!!

Xabi smiled as the guy started to discuss excitedly about the Men-In-Black incident, in which Daniel made their relationship official by announcing it to all their teammates. It was way back in June, and they had been going steady for 6 months – the team was now discussing the details for their upcoming Christmas Party. Time sure flies…

-          …Well if you still think I looked like an electrocuted turkey, go ask Xab. We all know he’s the only one that can appreciate Art around here!

-          Dude, he’s your boyfriend!

-          Exactly. Xab, I didn’t look like an electrocuted turkey right?

-          Of course not. Guys, that’s a bit mean to Daniel – Xabi put his arm around the kid’s waist – I’d rather say you looked like a flamingo on fire, dear…

The guys burst out laughing, while Daniel just stood there speechless, looking as if he had just been stabbed. Xabi grinned and stood on his tiptoe to kiss the boy on his cheek.

 

 

 

After long sessions of heated discussions, the party finally went without a band or dancers, or any other type of performance. All the money was spent on meat and alcohol – they were first priority anyway – with a tiny amount of extra that managed to get the team an equally tiny Xmas tree. The tree was placed, with great honour, on the top of the TV set in their common room.

The party went exceptionally well without any form of entertainment at first. They focused on attacking the tons of food and drink, while chatting randomly about basically everything: the departure of Harry and Peter; their victory against Man Utd back in September; whether Manchester was red or blue – and they closed the case saying it should be blue because they hated Man Utd more than Man City; how Rafael seemed to be gaining some weights and how they would catch up with him in no time after consuming this gallon of protein and fat. It was not exactly as extravagant and badass a party as they initially planned, but it was certainly heartwarming, like a real family Christmas Dinner.

However, as the night went on and food started to run out, the guys felt the need to be occupied by something else.

-          I’m bored! – Pepe said as he lied on the floor rubbing his stomach. He was not the only one – many others were lying around as well, hoping that would enable more effective digestion.

-          We should have hired a band… - Alvaro pouted again.

-          To hell with your band! It could have cost us the feast itself.

-          But aren’t you bored, Martin? And we can’t even go to bed now. It’s only 8.30!

-          Let’s play something guys. I’m sure we can come up with some games!

-          Oh I know! – Yossi sat up excitedly, but got stuck due to his belly and had to lie down again – Guys, let’s play Truth or Dare!

-          Seriously man? Isn’t it for teenage girls?

-          Well actually it’s not. I heard other football teams play it all the time for their gathering, and before the night ends, everyone hooks up.

-          Destroying friendships since 1712…

-          How the heck do you know its originated year??

-          I’m drunk, Dan. When I’m drunk I know everything…

-          Well I think it’s actually not a bad idea. Haven’t played it for quite some time. – Fernando smiled.

-          Please, Fern, we know you just want to hook up. – Someone responded with a laugh. Fernando just shrugged.

-          Guys, I’ve never played it before… - Yossi said.

-          Well, let’s just play then. – Xabi sat down next to Fernando – Not like we can come up with anything else for now. Brain does not usually work after that much of food.

The guys didn’t object anymore and started to sit up slowly. Some grunted in disapproval but in the end, all joined the circle. Sami, as the eldest, was given the privilege to spin the bottle. It stopped pointing straight at Daniel. The kid rolled his eyes:

-          Don’t know why but I totally see this coming. Dare!

Sami touched his chin thoughtfully and snapped his finger:

-          I know! Let’s do a boyfriend-boyfriend tag!

-          Boyfriend what?

-          Boyfriend tag! You know, when a couple is asked some questions about their relationship…

-          Wait so isn’t it just a ‘truth’ quest?

-          No it’s not. For ‘truth’ you’ll answer only one question, but for this, you get to answer as many as you want! And Xabi will join you as well, by the way…

-          This is clearly cheating!

-          Come on kid, it’s just a game! And we do this because we care about the two of you!

-          I… fine! – Daniel sighed – If Xab agrees to join then I’ll do it.

-          Uhm… well, I guess I don’t really have a choice. What do I need to do?

-          It’s very simple… - Sami answered excitedly – Each of you will answer 5…

-          3! – Daniel interrupted.

-          …3 questions from any of us. Must speak the truth.

-          Okay, I can do that… - Xabi nodded.

-          Good! Now I’ll give you the first question. Let’s start with something cliché… Hmm… what do you like best about Daniel?

Daniel immediately turned to his boyfriend, his eyes filled with expectations. Xabi tilted his head, thinking hard:

-          Well… there are quite a few things… but ‘best’… it would be his rubbish talk, I guess…

-          What? Are you serious? – Many voices called out in disbelief. Even Daniel raised his eyebrow:

-          Xab, are you sure that’s what you like best already? I have many strong points, you know…

Not a single one in the team had yet to experience Daniel’s signature rubbish talks. It was like his reflex in either of the two cases: when Daniel was nervous (which was how Xabi encountered it) – or when Daniel was bored (which was how the rest of the team encountered it). If people kept on rambling about something Daniel didn’t really care about, his attention span would be roughly 7 minutes, and then he would space out. Once they stopped and it was his turn to talk, he would ramble back, but about something else, something totally irrelevant and absolutely nonsensical, ranging from the colour of the team jersey to how the movement of planets would affect Earth climate. The most gracious response he ever got for this weird habit was a “What?” – the rest didn’t just stop there, they added “the fuck” closely behind. Even Daniel himself knew the habit was annoying, but it was purely unintentional and not controllable.

-          Don’t you find it annoying? – Daniel asked again.

-          No, not one bit! I think they are really amusing and rather informative, indeed… It’s hard to explain, but I really like listening to them.

Daniel flashed a lopsided smile. _Well, that is totally unexpected._

-          You are so weird. Both of you! – Alv shook his head in utter confusion.

-          Well that’s how they match, isn’t it? – Pepe grinned, being so encouraging as ever – Can I ask the next question?

-          Go ahead.

-          Who’s your first love, Xabi?

Xabi looked up, as if reminiscing about something in the dim past.

-          Uhm… it was a girl… Nagore, my childhood friend and schoolmate. We started dating in high school.

-          How did it end?

-          Life just drove us apart, like it always does. But somehow I’m glad. No fight, no tears, things ended just fine…

Everyone fell into awkward silence, as if they were waiting for Xabi to come back to reality from his flashback. Alvaro elbowed the goalkeeper:

-          Look what you did to the mood! Next time ask something light-hearted.

-          I just want us to get to know one another better…

-          This is kinda surprising… - Fernando was the first to speak to Xabi - … I’ve always thought your first love would be Mikel Arteta.

-          We’re never really together. Mikel is more like my soul mate.

-          So who’s the first guy you’re in love with? Oh, and let that be the last question for you.

-          Okay, but ‘in love with’ or ‘get together with’?

Steven’s stomach twisted. He fidgeted about his space and locked his vision onto the floor. He didn’t realize that Daniel was looking at him through the corner of his eyes.

-          The answers are different for the two cases?? Someone didn’t reciprocate your feelings?

-          I didn’t know that’s possible for Xabi!

-          That’s so sweet, but it’s clear that you guys are overrating me.

As Fernando didn’t want to dampen the mood further with an unrequited love story, he picked ‘get together with’ in the end.

-          Well then the answer would be Daniel here. – Xabi patted the defender’s arm. The kid’s eyes immediately widened; his face beamed with amazement and pride:

-          Really?

-          Why would I lie? – Xabi smiled sweetly – Well, so my part is done right?

-          Yes, Danny’s turn now. Okay, cliché question to hit thing off again: Why did you like Xabi in the first place?

-          Gosh… this is embarrassing…

Xabi looked at his boyfriend with anticipation. Considering that they were not so close as teammates before the whole relationship thing started, he knew it would be something rather lame.

-          It’s the beard. It all started with the beard.

-          I knew it! – Alvaro almost jumped up – I knew it I knew it I knew itt!!!!!

-          Totally expected, but still creepy as hell…

-          No it’s not creepy!!! You all have to agree that his ginger beard is perfection!

-          Well sure it looks nice, but we don’t go around fancying people’s beard and falling in love with it!

-          They’re partly right, Dan… - Xabi rested his chin on his hand – From loving my beard to loving me is quite a big jump.

-          Your beard made me look at you way more often, and the rest just came along by themselves – Daniel shrugged. Whatever others said, he believed big things can start small – Next question?

-          Okay, I’ll ask something that we have been betting on – Alvaro rubbed his hands together – When was the first time you two have sex? I said June!

-          May for me. Daniel is a sex pistol!

-          But they got together in June!

-          Exactly why I said May…

-          Well I think they might take it slow, so it should be August.

As the heated argument went on, Xabi and Daniel just exchanged looks and chuckled. Finally, Daniel put up his hand:

-          Guys, enough! You all got it wrong! – He straightened himself up, acting as solemnly as he was about to announce the destiny of mankind – Believe it or not, we have not had sex yet.

Silence was immediately restored. A look of horror was seen on everyone’s face.

-          No.Way. No fucking way!!

-          You liar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-          I have nothing against taking it slow, but isn’t this way too slow??

-          Well, it just happened to be so! We agreed not to plan it, like not to say “Hey let’s have sex” and then do it, you know. ‘ve been waiting for it to come by itself, and actually don’t mind at all!

The guys looked at one another and quietly reached an agreement that this couple was much weirder than they ever expected, but they decided to give it a pass anyway.

-          Ok, final question for Danny. If… - Jamie spoke slowly, finding a way to phrase his question - … you can… no, must choose a person in this room, excluding Xabi, to bang, who would be the victim?

-          Nice one! – Daniel smirked. His gaze swept through the room like radar, and eventually stopped at the beautiful creature sitting exactly one person away from him – Fernando Torres. 99.69% a good bang.

-          Thanks Dan but I don’t bang teammates. – Fernando took it coolly, but a lopsided grin spread across his face. It was once in the blue moon that Daniel Agger actually praised someone besides his oh-so-wonderful boyfriend Xabi Alonso, and hence Fernando gave himself the right to feel flattered.

-          Then I’ll wait until we’re not teammates anymore, darling… – Daniel winked flirtatiously – And Fern, it’s your turn now. Truth or Dare?

-          How come it’s me??!

-          ‘Cause I want it so. Do you see anything fair going on around here? Now quick!

-          Uhm… Truth then…

-          When was your first bang? Guys, ready to be amazed by the number!

-          Hey, stop being so mean to Fernando!

-          It’s okay, Xab. I don’t mind. And for your information, Daniel, it’s eighteen, so there’s nothing to be amazed about.

-          Who was it? A fellow Spaniard? Do we know? – Pepe asked before Daniel could respond.

-          Yeah… but just… - Fernando looked down, a sad smile flickered across his face - … just somebody I wish I used to know…

The guys exchanged looks. Daniel scratched his ear, feeling guilty for having made it so clear that he thought Fernando was a slut in nature, as well as reminded the Spaniard of something he surely didn’t want to remember.

Who knows that just a stupid game can stab so many people right in their softest spots.


	17. Always you

They continued anyway with most of them choosing ‘Dare’ to avoid awkwardness (and majority of them regretting it almost immediately). But at least the atmosphere was bumped up once again.

Until it was Steven’s turn.

-          Truth! – After seeing that disturbing pole-dancing performance by Alvaro, with Pepe being the pole itself, Steven thought he should go for the safer choice. – Alv, don’t sabo me, please!

-          Okay… Well, what was your greatest regret, in your love life? And don’t give general answers like “I let someone go”. Say the name! Easy one, isn’t it? I’m such an angel…

It was definitely easy – Steven knew the exact and only answer. The killing part was to say it out loud right here, in front of all his teammates, including the answer and the answer’s boyfriend. Steven swallowed an imaginary lump in his throat and said, as quickly and silently possible:

-          Xabi Alonso.

Unlucky for him, everyone heard, and Daniel was certainly the one who heard it most clearly.

-          Excuse me? – The kid frowned – Is there another Xabi Alonso out there that we may want to learn about?

-          No, Daniel… It’s… your Xabi Alonso. – Steven sighed and turned his head to avoid the kid’s intense stare.

-          Right now, at this very moment, are you still in love with him? – Daniel stressed every word in his sentence in the most intimidating manner.

-          Danny, he’s supposed to be asked only one question.

-          Stay out of this, Jamie! Steven, please answer!

He looked at the boy, wondering what got into him. Daniel was not usually like this.

-          Yes, I am. – He breathed out the answer anyway.

-          Great!  How could you…

-          Daniel, stop it! – Xabi interrupted.

-          Why should I? You have something to hide from me?

-          Daniel, don’t speak like that to Xabi! – Steven stared at the boy – This is my own problem.

-          I speak to him the way I want! – The kid started to shout.

-          Don’t you dare shouting at me, young man!

-          What if I do so? I’m angry as shit right now!

-          For God’s sake what the fuck are you even angry about??! – Steven cried out loud – There’s nothing between Xabi and me! Don’t you see the only one who’s suffering here is me?!!

It put the boy in silence right away. Steven felt satisfied for like a millisecond, before realizing that all his teammates’ gazes were locked on him, their eyes filled with pity. Not being able to bear it, he stood up:

-          I’m going for a walk. You guys just… go on.

 

 

 

-          Well maybe we should end here…

-          Yeah, I’m going back to my room…

-          It’s rather late already…

One by one, the guys awkwardly stood up and excused themselves, leaving Xabi and Daniel behind. Jamie was the last to leave. He gave Xabi a pat on the shoulder and rubbed Daniel’s hair, saying ‘Cool down, kid. You’re drunk’.

-          Do you know about it? – After Jamie was gone, Daniel suddenly turned to Xabi.

-          Know about?

-          Steven’s feelings for you?

-          I do.

-          And you still keep him so close to you?!

-          He’s my best friend. Nothing can change that. And we talked it out long ago already.

-          But…

-          Just so you know, you were very unreasonable to him just now. – Xabi cut him, saying what he had been wanting to say.

-          You’re on his side now is it?

-          There’s no side Daniel, stop being so freaking childish!

Daniel looked at him, eyes widely opened like a lost child. Xabi sighed. He moved closer to the boy and put his hand on Daniel’s, squeezing gently. He could feel the kid immediately loosen up.

-          I’m sorry Dan. But the truth is Steven does suffer, and you seem to be quite oblivious to his pain!

-          I do know! - The boy spoke quietly at last – I was just too mad to care…

He looked up at Xabi. The anger in his eyes had cleared away – they were now filled with confusion and regret:

-          What did I say just now? Was it really that bad? I didn’t mean it, you know…

-          Of course I know. You were just a bit drunk and angry! But… I don’t think Steven knows…

-          You think I should go talk to him? – Daniel bit his lips.

-          I think he’s upstairs in the courtyard.

 

 

 

Steven was just about to leave the courtyard and go back to his room (which he shared with Daniel. Great!) when he heard someone’s footsteps behind him. He turned around:

-          Hey! – Daniel waved his hand awkwardly and made his way to where the captain was standing.

-          Hey – Steven responded not so enthusiastically and looked away.

They stood next to each other in deadly silence for a good ten minutes, by the end of which Daniel had gathered enough courage to say what he wanted:

-          I’m sorry about what I said just now. I was a bit drunk. I didn’t mean it.

-          Don’t worry about it… – Steven relaxed as soon as he knew the boy’s intention was good –Your anger seemed real enough though.

-          I… I was just mad as I thought about how out of so many people, you have to choose the one I’m with. But now, thinking again, maybe you two have history way before I came along…

-          It was not history. It was a mess. I fucked up.

-          Well, a mess that Xabi would always remember at least…

-          Daniel, don’t you realize the whole thing is about you feeling insecure again?

-          I have good reasons to be insecure! You two have the chemistry that whenever I’m in a room with you two, I can feel it! – Daniel said exasperatedly.

-          Well chemistry means nothing if timing is terrible! – Steven looked at the boy in the eyes – Look Daniel, I missed my chance with Xabi. I didn’t know what I wanted and when I do, it’s too late! You came along, confident as hell that you want him and you fought for it! That’s why he chose you! Stop doubting and start enjoying what you deserve!

Daniel listened quietly. When the captain finished, he looked up and asked, utter confusion in his eyes:

-          Why are you saying all these things to me? Don’t you hate seeing us together?

-          How can I not hate it? But… being with you makes him happy. And, believe it or not, I love you like a younger brother! If my bro is dating the love of my life and they make a really good couple, what can I do about it, right?

-          Thanks Stevie, really… - Daniel whispered, clearly touched – And again, really sorry…

-          It’s okay. Most young people act first and think later. Not like it’s always a bad thing.

Daniel smiled gratefully. He offered a fist bump:

-          So I guess we’re good?

-          Better than ever. – Steven said, as he took the offer.

 

 

 

Daniel passed by Xabi’s room before going back to his own that night. When he walked in, Xabi was sitting on his bed, reading a book. The older man looked up from the pages:

-          How was it?

-          Good, we did a fist bump.

-          Nice! Good job then…

-          Where’s Jamie?

-          Well… - Xabi put the book away and took off his reading glasses - … I asked him if he could let you stay here for tonight.

-          You did?

-          Yes, I want to spend Christmas Night with you. – The Basque smiled and patted on a spot next to him – Come here, Dan.

They lied down next to each other on the bed. Daniel stretched out his left arm, offered it as a not-so-soft but loving pillow. Xabi chuckled and rested his head on the boy’s upper arm. They just stayed like that for quite a while, until Daniel called out in a low voice:

-          Hey, Xab…

-          Yes?

-          The first guy you’re in love with… is it Stevie? – He asked while fixing his eyes on the ceiling.

-          Yes…

-          What happened?

-          There was never anything actually. Mismatch of timings.

-          So you two could have been together…

-          But we didn’t.

-          If the timing was not so bad, say… he confessed to you before we went to that Coldplay concert, would you choose him instead?

-          If you want an answer from Yesterday Me, to be honest, it would be a yes…

Daniel felt his heart sank. What was he expecting, anyway? The answer was rather obvious, but that didn’t make it any less poisonous to him. However, before he could say anything in response, Xabi continued:

-          But that is for Yesterday Me. If you ask Today Me, a ‘Me’ that knows how things would turn out if we got together, the answer will definitely be no. Dan, I will never prefer to take something else and miss out on being with you!

-          Don’t you think Steven is better for you? He is Captain Fantastic! He’s a real man, mature and all; while I’m… I’m just a childish, thoughtless brat! I…

-          Nope! – Xabi turned and put his arm around Daniel’s torso. He shut his eyes, as if to close the case – Still choose you.

Daniel turned to gaze at the man lying in his arm, a silly grin broadened all over his face. He pulled Xabi closer and put a kiss on the man’s forehead:

-          Gosh… I’m so lucky to have someone like you to put up with all my bullshit.

-          I agree – Xabi laughed.

He put his hand on Daniel’s chest and leaned his head back, reaching to kiss the boy’s cheek. To his shock, Daniel turned around sharply and locked their lips together. His arm under Xabi’s head moved to grab the back of the man’s neck, giving pressure to deepen the kiss. Xabi put both of his hands on Daniel’s shoulders to pull him in, then slowly turned to lie on his back. The boy found himself on top of his boyfriend, but he didn’t mind at all. He took advantage of the situation, pushing his tongue deeper down Xabi’s throat, almost choking the man. The Basque turned his head away and laughed.

-          Sorry, a bit too much is it? – Daniel smiled sheepishly

-          Yeah… and this is kinda new also. We’ve never kissed in this position…

Xabi’s smile faded as he saw lust beclouding the younger man’s eyes. He gulped nervously. Daniel whispered:

-          Well I guess everything has its first time…

The sexual tension built up and broke out when their lips met once again, but this time with a much wilder passion. It didn’t last long though. Daniel quickly moved his kisses down to Xabi’s neck. The older man put his arms around the back of his lover’s shoulders, tightening the embrace. From somewhere outside the windows, he heard the familiar melody of Mariah Carey’s all-time Christmas hit…

_‘I don't want a lot for Christmas  
There is just one thing I need…’_

Xabi tried not to moan too loudly and control his breathing as Daniel pressed hot wet kisses around his neck, occasionally bit or sucked hard to leave little bruises…

_‘I don't care about the presents  
Underneath the Christmas tree…’_

Daniel made his way down to Xabi’s torso, slowly unbuttoning the shirt. He left gentle kisses anywhere possible, absorbing the icy cold and fresh minty scent of his lover’s flesh. Soon, clothes left both of them and landed quietly on the floor. Xabi looked up to admire every inches of Daniel’s bare body. He looked so young and strangely beautiful.

_‘I just want you for my own  
More than you could ever know…’_

Xabi panted as Daniel went in and out, moving more and more quickly. How long had it been since he did something like this? But that was with a woman, and the experiences were vastly different. He gasped as Daniel hit the spot. He squeezed the mattress tightly in his hand; his mind went numb with pleasure…

  
_’Make my wish come true_   
_All I want for Christmas…’_

Daniel lied down again next to Xabi. The older man had closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep out of exhaustion. The boy gazed at his lover’s face, tried to memorize every single detail: his long eyelashes, his high and straight nose-bridge, the three small wrinkles in the middle of his forehead, his thin lips, and, of course, his fiery red beard. Daniel leaned forward and pulled Xabi into his arms, resting his chin on the older man’s hair.

He knew that all he wanted, not only for that Christmas, but for the rest of this life…

“… is you.” – He whispered to Xabi, and closed his eyes.


	18. "Nothing lasts forever" they say

A relationship may have several stages, varied from couples to couples; but generally speaking, there will be three: getting to know each other, honeymoon phase - in which you can’t seem to get enough of each other, and normalization – in which you accept the other as a part of your life. Probably a significant part, but still, just a part.

After the first six months together, Xabi and Daniel decided that it was high time to end their honeymoon phase and move on to normalization, which was all about giving each other more private space. They cut down the time spent together by almost half, and used it on whatever they had always done before getting together.

It was Xabi’s idea at first place, but soon, he started to feel worried that maybe he had made a wrong decision. It was not like the idea had unexpectedly negative outcome. They did feel much happier whenever they saw each other and treasured their time more, just like what he expected. The problem that bothered him was how Daniel spent the time given.

He had known beforehand that Daniel had a slight addiction to alcohol. The kid loved to go to the bar or night club, not to dance or check out bitches, but simply to indulge himself in the great variety of alcohol available. During the honeymoon phase, Daniel didn’t have much time for that, and he almost quit the habit; but now, given all the free time on Earth, he started to get back on that track. He would usually return at midnight absolutely wasted, knocked on Xabi’s door and asked for drunken sex. Sometimes, when the boy held him close, he noticed scratches and bruises on his lover’s body.

-          I tripped over. Don’t worry, love. – Daniel answered and pressed a kiss on Xabi’s eyelid. The older man said nothing.

It was 11.48 when Xabi heard the familiar knock on his door. He sighed and stood up, feeling tired as he thought about the long night lying ahead. He never knew he had a problem with Daniel’s alcohol addiction, until now. He realized how much he disliked seeing Daniel at his door, not even able to stand up straight, eyes half opened, soaked in the smell of fermented fruit and asking pathetically for sex.

But what was standing in front of him at the moment was much worse.

Daniel had to grab onto the doorframe to keep himself from collapsing, his forehead bleeding. Xabi immediately took him inside and searched madly for the first-aid kit.

-          What happened? – Xabi asked as he carefully cleaned the cut with a dampened piece of washcloth.

-          I tripp…

-          No you didn’t. – Xabi cut him off, clearly irritated.

-          I… I got into a fight…

-          Is that where the scratches and bruises came from as well?

-          Sometimes….

Xabi gulped, realizing that he was getting much more upset than he thought.

-          Who and why?

-          Some random assholes in the pub. I forgot why… – There must have been something in Xabi’s facial expression that alerted Daniel. The kid put his arm around Xabi’s waist – Hey, I’m sorry. Come here…

His other hand reached for the back of Xabi’s neck and tried to pull the man into a kiss, but Xabi turned away. He knew what Daniel was trying to do.

-          No, not tonight. Go back to your room and rest.

-          Come on, Xab! What the heck… - The kid buried his face in his lover’s neck once again, but Xabi pushed him away.

-          I’m serious, Dan. We need to talk about this.

-          About what?! – Daniel pouted – Can’t we leave this and just treasure our time together?

-          No! Daniel, listen, I don’t want you to go to those bars and clubs anymore.

-          Why?! It’s a part of my life! I’m not giving it up!

-          It’s not good for you. I don’t want to see you getting hurt!

-          These? They are nothing more than scratches! Let me make it clear: no, I’m not quitting this. If you can have the time of your life hanging out with Stevie G, I have every right to go to my pubs!

-          What does this have to do with Stevie?!

-          My point is that we have things we love. You love your Stevie, I love my alcohol. If you’re not quitting yours, why should I quit mine?

-          What kind of reasoning is that?! – Xabi stood up and turned his back to Daniel – Go back to your room, Dan. I don’t want to talk to you when you’re drunk.

-          Well fine!! And guess what, I don’t even think there’s anything to discuss here! – Daniel said loudly.

He stood up, almost fell back down again, but managed to get to the door anyway. He turned around:

-          Why don’t you accept this part of me, Xab? If you love me enough, you would not make me change myself. Shouldn’t you love me the way I am??!

Then, he slammed the door shut and left.

 

 

 

The following week was pure hell for both of them. At first, Xabi wanted to talk to Daniel, but the boy refused to. He didn’t want to hear people teaching him about how he should live his life – he had had enough of that already. After a few days, Xabi seemed to get tired of the rejection and just let things go on that way. They stopped hanging out, stopped spending time together, stopped sitting next to each other, stopped texting, stopped talking. Massive changes in such a short time.

Soon, it drove Daniel crazy. Now he regretted rejecting Xabi’s attempt. Gosh, he should have known he was always the one that needed Xabi more than the other way round.

-          Xab! – The boy ran after Xabi before one training session. The older man was taken aback, but soon regained his calamity.

-          Yes?

-          Let’s talk!

-          Okay, I’m listening.

-          Huh? No, I… I don’t have anything to say! But I will listen to you. You had something to say about the other night, right?

-          I did, but not so much anymore, sorry.

-          What? But… never mind, that’s not important anyway… - Xabi slightly frowned when he heard that - … Xab, can we just forget about this?

-          Daniel, it’s not like I don’t want to talk to you. It’s just… I thought about what you said, you know, about me having to love you as who you are. It actually made sense, so I’m a bit confused now. I need time to figure things out…

-          But I miss you so much these past few days! I can’t stand this anymore! Can we just get back to where we were before this?

That made Xabi’s heart melt a little. He smiled sadly:

-          I miss you too… But please give me some time. I promise it won’t be long.

-          Okay… - Daniel said sullenly, his heart crumbling in his chest.

 

 

 

-          Have you talked to Danny? – Steven asked as he drove Xabi back from the movie.

-          Well, no…

-          Still not figure it out?

-          Kinda… But now I don’t even want to think anymore! It’s too complicated.

-          No it’s not – you’re making it so. Now tell me what can’t you solve?

-          I just don’t know what to do! Should I try to change him, or should I just let him be?

-          Well, we both know how hard it would be to make him change…

-          Exactly! And besides, I don’t really want to do that. I don’t have the right to. Not like we’re married, you know?

-          Uh huh. And what’s with letting him be?

-          I don’t know if I can live with it. Maybe I can for now, but what about 5 years, 10 years from now?

-          Xabi, you’re clearly thinking too much! Now let me ask you, do you want to be with him?

-          Now, I do; but in the future…

-          Well who cares about the future! Not that I don’t understand your worries, but we don’t know what the future holds. In 5 years, Daniel may – I say ‘may’ – have quit drinking, or you may not mind it so much anymore, because you have become just as addicted to alcohol… Hey, just kidding, don’t punch me! My point is that, we can’t tell what will happen, so what’s the point in worrying about the future! You want to be with him now, so be!

-          Well… I guess you have your point…

-          Of course I’m absolutely right! You need to go talk to him now, Xabi.

-          What, now? It’s… it’s okay… He may be at the club right now. Maybe tomorrow…

-          Nope, ‘cause we’re here already!

-          What??! – Xabi looked out from the side window, realizing they were parking right in front of the club – How…?

-          Xabi, Daniel is still very young... – Steven said, all serious – Give him a chance. I know he’s better than this.

Xabi bit his lip and, finally, opened the door:

-          Thanks Stevie. You’re the best!

-          I know. And I’ll wait here, in case he’s somewhere else.

 

 

 

Daniel banged his bottle onto the counter.

-          One more! Quick!

It was his fourth bottle of the night, and he didn’t plan to stop yet. It had been a horrible day: Xabi avoided him during training, Xabi sat with the Spaniards instead of him during lunch, Xabi didn’t reply his message, Xabi got into the car with Steven, having some date night shit. Xabi, Xabi, Xabi…

-          Can you stop thinking about that name for once, you pathetic piece of shit??!!! For God’s sake! – Daniel shouted out loud, making everyone’s turn their heads.

-          Well look like someone needs comforting…

He looked up. Big butts, huge boobs, smell of cheap perfume, red hair. Fiery red.

She shamelessly sat down on his thigh, putting her arms around his neck:

-          Wanna have some fun?

-          What you’ve got there? – He smirked, putting the full bottle of wine onto his mouth, finishing one third of it.

-          Everything you need, darling… - She said as she started to suck at his ear, pressing her body against his.

Daniel felt really dizzy; his brain was on fire and stopped functioning. He tilted his head and buried his face in the girl’s neck.

-          Daniel?

A familiar voice echoed in his head, and somehow made him a bit more sober. He looked up.

His brain went numb all over again when he saw who it was. He stammered:

-          Xa… Xab?

Xabi didn’t answer. He just walked slowly backward, his face crumbled in disgust. Swallowing back his tears, he turned and walked out as fast as possible. Daniel stood up to run after him, but the boy was too drunk. His legs were shaky and he fell down immediately.

-          Xabi!!! Stop!!! Listen to me! I beg you!!!

Daniel’s words were like daggers stabbing at his already wounded heart. He ran all the way outside. Steven spotted him at once:

-          Hey, where’s Daniel? Not in… Oh God...

Tears were streaming down all over Xabi’s face. He silently got into the car and closed the door.

-          He is. With someone else. Now let’s go, Stevie. Quick.

Hundreds of questions were floating around in Stevie’s head, but he thought he ought to save that for later. He started the car and they disappeared into the night.

 

 

 

-          So that’s what happened?

Xabi nodded. Steven put his arm around his friend’s shoulders, gently tilt the man’s head towards him, letting it rest on his shoulder.

-          I’m so sorry…

-          It’s okay. I just need time to think harder…

-          I’ll stay here with you tonight.

-          You don’t need to. I’m okay…

-          No you’re not. I can’t leave you like this!

-          Hmm so maybe I should go to your room, Stevie? – Jamie stood up, about to gather his things.

-          Oh no, please stay as well. Let’s not make the kid misunderstand. Things are bad enough… - Steven sighed.

 

 

 

5 a.m. Xabi sat up. He could not sleep at all, however hard he tried, and there would be training later today. _‘Maybe some coffee would help…’_ – he thought and left his bed. As the Basque opened the door, he almost jumped backward as he stumbled against a huge black lump sitting right in the middle of the doorframe.

-          Xab? You’re up so early? – Daniel immediately rose up to his feet. Xabi opened his mouth slightly in astonishment.

-          Since when have you sat here?

-          Last night. I…

-          What’s going on, Xabi? – Steven walked towards them, rubbing his eyes sleepily. The noise woke him up. Daniel’s face became red at once as he saw the Scouser. He grabbed the man by his collar:

-          What the heck are you doing here? How dare you…

-          He stayed just to talk to Xabi, for God’s sake! – Jamie shouted from his bed – I’ve been here as well don’t you see?!

-          Daniel! – Xabi let out a sigh of exhaustion – You want to talk right? Let’s talk then.

 

 

 

As soon as they sat down on the wooden bench, Daniel turned to Xabi:

-          Xab, I…

-          Dan, I’m sorry, but can I go first?

-          Oh… sure!

-          Hmm, well… there’s no easy way to put this… - Xabi closed his eyes, a hint of pain on his face - … I think we should break up.

-          What?? No!! Xabi, listen to me! What you saw yesterday, it was just a totally stupid mistake! I was drunk and…

-          That’s the point, you were drunk! It’s not about you kissing that girl, Dan. Even if I see you kissing tons of other people and you say you didn’t mean to, and that you love only me, I would still believe you! But… this whole thing is different, and it hurt so bad!

Daniel kept quiet this time. He let Xabi continue.

-          Whenever you go out to drink, I feel so worried. When you come back to me, looking all wasted, I feel disappointed. When you ask for drunken sex, I feel cheap. When I see wounds on your body, I feel powerless. And, when I come to the club to look for you next time… what will I see, Daniel? Will it hurt any less than this? I don’t want to feel this way anymore…

-          Then I will change! If you want me to stop, I’ll stop. Just don’t leave me, Xab!

-          I don’t want to _make_ you change, Dan! I don’t want you to wake up in like 5 years from now thinking _‘well, it sucks that I’m not going to pubs anymore because of Xabi. It could have been fun!’_ and wondering whether being with me is worthy of your loss! You don’t change yourself just to save a love affair, Dan. You change when you see the point in changing! But clearly, you don’t see it at all now…

-          What do you want me to do then? – Daniel asked, feeling so desperate and confused.

-          You don’t need to do anything! You were right: this is a part of you, and you don’t need to give it up for anything. I love you, but please, please understand I cannot love this part of you! I cannot live on with it, not anymore…

-          But Xabi… - Daniel said, his mind went totally blank. He could feel the tears forming a watery layer in his eyes - … I love you so much…

Xabi furrowed his brows in pain. He cupped the younger man’s face and tilted his head, pressing a long chaste kiss on the boy’s lips.

-          You know I love you just as intensely – He spoke softly, his hands leaving the boy’s face. The thought that it would be the last time they ever touched like this almost killed him. He stood up. – Good bye, Daniel.

As Xabi turned to walk away, he could feel tears streaming down his face. He tried to swipe them away, but they just keep coming out, like a broken faucet.

“Nothing lasts forever” they say.

Well said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that is not too abrupt...


	19. "I'll be there for you"

The breakup obviously took its toll on Daniel. The boy was going through a really, really hard time and he didn’t even try to hide it. Now and then he would skip trainings, or if he showed up, he would terrify his teammates with his angry and senseless tackles, much to the coach’s displeasure. Things got even worse when it came to real matches: he was totally merciless to his opponents, which didn’t really help in anything but adding cards to his collection.

Off the pitch, things were just as bad. His temper got much worse, and he barely talked to anyone except for Jamie, from whom he got himself updated about how Xabi was dealing with the breakup. He missed the man tremendously.

Daniel didn’t quit drinking, though. He visited the local convenient store rather often, every time carrying back with him a case of beer. He did quit going to clubs, just because it hurt too bad to go there.

Daniel surely took the breakup really hard.

 

 

 

Xabi, on the other hand, seemed to be completely fine. He went to trainings, had lunch with the team, went back, read books, slept, hang out on weekends sometimes. He talked, he mocked, he smiled, he judged, he laughed: he was perfectly normal, like the whole thing with Daniel did not happen at all. And that broke Daniel’s heart, because it was as if the boy was the only who cared, the only one who was affected.

But Xabi was actually struggling as well – he just hid it so well – and the only one who knew was Steven. Countless times he had caught Xabi staring blankly at the book on his hands, tears in the corner of his eyes; countless times he had seen the man looking out of the window, his brows furrowing in pain and immense sadness as their car passed by a one of the places he and Daniel used to go; countless times he had spotted his friend gazing at Daniel, only to turn away quickly or look down at his shoelaces when the boy looked back. Steven knew Xabi’s brave upfront managed to fool everyone, even Jamie, who had dutifully told Daniel that Xabi seemed completely alright. Steven knew how bitter Daniel felt, thinking he was the only one suffering.

If only Daniel knew that ever since they fell apart, Xabi had never listened to Coldplay again.

 

 

 

And since Steven was aware that he was the only one to know all those things, he decided to be there for Xabi, always. Literally.

-          Stevie, I’m only going there to finish the book!

-          So? I’ll just sit with you!

-          But like… I won’t be able to talk to you! You’ll be damn bored.

-          I’ll bring snacks or something then.

Realizing that nothing can change his friend’s mind, Xabi sighed in resignation:

-          Stevie, you’re so weird!!

-          If you say so. – The Scouser shrugged.

Xabi knew why his friend insisted in accompanying him (basically anytime, anywhere). So he looked at Steven and smiled gratefully.

However, not everyone looked at things in that way – people sometimes had very different perspectives.

-          Hey, just look at how close they stood next to each other right now… – Xabi and Stevie heard someone talking behind their back. It was supposed to be a whisper, but was intentionally loud enough for them not to miss a word.

-          I know right! Such an opportunist, taking advantage of people’s breakup…

Steven clenched his jaws. This was not the first time he heard people saying things like that about him – it was easy to see things in such a manner. He just ignored them, because; well, not like he had never ever thought about getting together with Xabi all these time.

 But those idiots just wouldn’t drop it:

-          Well, clearly someone is letting him take the advantage, you know…

-          No wonder why Daniel is so fucked up. Just imagine being cheated on, with your roommate!

Steven could see Xabi’s hand shaking, trying hard to grip onto the locker handle tightly. The Scouser bit his lips and turned around:

-          Hey you two…!

-          What the heck did you two fucking idiots just say?

Everyone in the locker room, except for Xabi, turned around. Daniel was standing at the door, his hands clenching into fists, showing white knuckles. He walked towards the two backstabbers, making them gulp anxiously.

-          I asked what the fuck did you say just now? – Daniel repeated.

-          Easy, man! We’re on your si…

-          If you don’t know one shit about what happened… - The boy cut them impatiently - … just shut the fuck up for God’s sake! And if I hear you saying trash about _him_ one more time, I’m beating the daylight out of you, ya’ hear me?

Without waiting for their response, Daniel walked straight into the shower, not looking at anyone.

Steven heard Xabi silently gasping for air.

 

 

 

That night, they planned to go to a show together, which ended much later than expected. They were at the deserted bus stop, with Steven sitting on one of the benches, while Xabi standing at the rear of the pavement. The Basque had been really quiet throughout the night, which made Steven more than a bit concerned. And now, in the dim light of cars occasionally passing by, he thought he saw his friend’s shoulders trembling. He stood up and walked towards Xabi, putting a hand on his shoulder to turn the man to face him.

-          Hey Xabi, are you…

Steven didn’t finish his sentence. Xabi was looking blankly at him, tears rolling down his cheeks. The younger man was trying to suppress his sobbing, but now it seemed to get out of his control. Steven closed his eyes, could not stand to see his friend like this. He put his arm round Xabi’s shoulders and pulled the man towards him, holding him close.

-          Stevie, I’m okay… you don’t need to… - Xabi said through the tears, only to be interrupted by Steven.

-          No you’re not. Just go on crying, Xabi…

-          But I don’t want to! This is so pathetic… - Xabi’s voice had become broken. Steven could feel tears seeping through the shirt he was wearing.

-          It’s not. Swallowing it back doesn’t help…

They remained silent for a while. The only sound heard was Xabi’s sniffing.

-          Why, Stevie? – The younger man finally spoke, in a low voice.

-          Why what?

-          Why is this so hard?

-          All breakups are hard, Xabi…

-          But not this hard! Nothing has ever been this hard…

-          I know it’s hard… - Steven gently patted his friend’s back. Xabi was trembling more and more violently.

-          Why does it have to be so hard? Why do we have to break up? I know I was the one who decided it but… why do I still miss him so much??! – The younger man had completely lost it. He was now screaming and crying out loud. But that made Steven feel glad. At least he was not suffering in silence anymore.

-          It’s okay to miss him… it’s totally normal to feel so…

-          But this is killing me! Will I ever get over this?? It hurt so bad…

Steven tightened his embrace. He whispered:

-          You will. I know it. You both will…

 

 

 

Steven decided to do something for Xabi, something special, something more than just what he had been doing. But what to do? It had to seem appropriate enough, considering the sensitive situation; at the same time had to be sufficiently exciting to cheer Xabi up, which was quite a challenging task now.

Steven spent days and nights trying to come up with something good. And then the coach came, like a savior, informing about the upcoming one-week break. A wide smile spread across Steven’s face.

 

-          Hey Xabi, which book are you reading?

-          _Beyond Good and Evil._ Why?

-          Huh?? I thought you were reading The Birth… something one?! – The Scouser’s face went pale.

-          I finished that one last week…

-          Oh God! Xabi can you go read that, please?!! Just read a few pages or something, I beg you!

-          Erm okay… – Xabi frowned as he walked towards the table where the book lied - … but why?

He didn’t need an answer from Steven, though. As he picked up the book, two strips of paper slipped out from between the pages. He bent down to pick them up.

They were two fully-paid round-trip flight tickets to Madrid on the date the break would start.

 

-          Xabi, you’re going back home during the break. And I’m coming with you.


	20. A trip home

-          Are we there yet? – Steven fidgeted about their small space in the backseat of the cab.

-          Hmm… I think about 20 minutes more… Are you okay?

-          Just a bit excited, you know, to visit your house, meet your parents and all…

-          Well, to be honest, I’m just as excited as you are. It’s been rather long since I last returned home.

-          So… you like this idea? I was worried that you might not be into it…

-          Are you kidding? This is awesome! You’re the best, Stevie, really! Thank you sooo much!!

-          Well, it’s nothing much… - _As long as it keeps you happy._

Xabi looked out from the window again, his chin rested on his palm. The sun was shining bright through the broken leaves, warming his face and turning his eyes into a transparent shade of brown, as silky as honey. The tip of his hair strands sparkles under the light, and his skin seemed to shimmer a bit. Steven gazed at his friend, feeling his heart beating a little faster in his chest. And he knew it was not only due to the excitement.

 

 

 

The cab went up a gentle hill and stopped in front of a villa located at the top. The villa was not so extravagant, but the design was absolutely elegant. A middle-aged woman was standing at the gate, waiting for them. She was quite small in build, short red hair, gracefully dressed, looking perfect from head to toes, down to every single details. She made their way to them and pulled Xabi into her embrace:

-          Welcome home, son! I’m so glad to see you again… And this is… - She scrutinized Steven, making the Scouser so anxious that he started to regret he didn’t wear suit and tie.

-          He’s Steven, my team captain. – Xabi said, smiling sweetly at his mother.

-          So you’re the famous Steven Gerrard… - She shook Steven’s hand formally – Please excuse me, I don’t watch much football. Now come in, I have arranged a room for you.

The interior of the house was even more sumptuous than the outer look. Velvet carpet stretching throughout the hallways; paintings and family portraits arranged neatly on the wall, an extravagant chandelier hung right at the center of the living room, the maids arranging big baskets of fresh flowers for each room. Steven felt like he had just stepped in a luxurious hotel.

-          Wow…

-          Quite nice, isn’t it? – Xabi smiled as he looked around the house. It was vastly different from how it had been the last time he was here. – My mom likes to decorate the house. It makes her feel occupied, since my dad goes on trips too often…

-          Is this your family’s photo? – Steven pointed at a frame on the wall. He recognized Xabi’s mom and his brothers, Mikel and Jon, who had not changed much; there was also a tall man who looked a lot like Xabi, so he figured that would be Mr. Alonso. However, the last person in the photo made Steven furrow his brows – Xabi, who’s this dude with the bowl cut??!

-          Well, you see the rest of my family in the photo, so that last boy must be the neighbor’s son, isn’t it?

-          Stop being sarcastic! I’m just too shocked that you used to have bad hairstyle. But actually… - Steven’s eyes squinted - … besides the hair, you didn’t change much, always looking so emo and grumpy…

-          Hey!

-          Oh my God and what is this??!!! – Terror spread all over the Scouser’s face – Why the heck are you wearing Chelsea kit and waving their mini flag??!!!!

-          My uncle was Chelsea’s fan; he gave me those cute little things so that I could join him.

-          You’re breaking my heart, Xabi…

-          Come on!!! I was like 4 years old back then! I didn’t even know what Chelsea was, and the colour is nice…

-          We certainly need to talk about this. You turn out to have many dark sides that I don’t know about… - Steven shook his head jokingly, but he meant what he said to some extent. He realized that although they had been friends for more than 5 years and talked a lot, Steven did most of the talking while Xabi only listened, so it turned out that he didn’t know about his friend as much as he thought. And he wanted to know.

-          Well no worries. After this trip you’ll surely know me inside out. – Xabi patted his shoulder, smiling warmly.

 

 

 

They spent the following days wandering around the town. And Xabi was right: Steven learnt a whole lot more about the younger man in those few days. Xabi took his friend to all the places he used to love to spend time at as a child and a teenager.

They watched the kids play football in the tiny field where Xabi and Mikel used to practice all the time, at the foot of “the Alonso’s hill” – that was how the kids called it; they spent hours in the coffee shop hidden deep in a small alley, skimming through shelves and shelves of precious old books; they visited a store selling nothing but vintage records and record players – Xabi was really happy that the store had not closed down; they sat silently next to each other on the bridge barrier, looking down at ferries and boats passing by beneath them.

They walked together on the boulevard paved with stones under the dim light. Xabi squatted down near an old street violinist and put some money in the hat placed in front of him. He just sat like that, arms around his knees, chin rested on top and enjoyed the melancholy melody. Steven gazed at the younger man, suddenly imagined a fourteen-year-old Xabi wandering down this same road, letterman bag across his shoulders, fingers running through his half-Leonardo-Di-Carp-half-Harry-Potter haircut, thinking hard about the meaning of this life. The image made Steven chuckle.

The thought that Xabi had chosen him to share all these personal and precious memories flushed Steven’s heart with warmth and happiness.

 

-          There is one more place I want to show you. – Xabi said with a secretive grin as he helped Steven, who was rather confused, climb across the barrier of their room’s balcony onto the top of the garage.

-          Erm… Xabi, where are we going?

-          Here, climb up this. – The younger man didn’t answer, instead pointed at some ladder steps attached onto the side wall of the villa.

The steps led all the way to the rooftop. Xabi quickly found a spot to sit down, while Steven was still struck with awe by the amazing view. The sky was full of twinkling stars, like a gigantic black silk weaved with diamond dust. Below them was the city full of lights, stretching all the way to the horizon.

-          Every time I sit here, I felt like I’m lost in the universe, ‘cause the city down there looks just like another galaxy… - Xabi said dreamily, looking in the distance. – You know how I discovered this place? Quite a tragic story…

-          How?

-          I was in… hmm… 4th grade back then, I think. I came back from school one day and saw a glass bowl, like those they put goldfish in, you know. There were many little crabs inside… like this size… - Xabi made a circle with his index finger and thumb – They looked damn cute! I played with them, watched them crawling around, fed them cheese…

-          Fed them cheese?! – Steven raised an eyebrow.

-          Don’t judge me! Anyway, I needed to take a shower. When I came back, the bowl was completely empty, all the crabs were gone. But soon, I found them. You know where?

-          Erm… on your bed?

-          No!! On the plate, served with pepper sauce! I watched my family chewing the life out of my lovely little crabs, totally terrified…

-          Wow… that is truly traumatizing…

-          I know. So that night I made a bold decision: to escape from this family full of cold-hearted evil people. I climbed out from the balcony, like we just did, planning to jump down from the garage…

-          Are you kidding me?? That garage is like 5 meters high…

-          Again, don’t judge! I’m 8 years old, remember? Well, but then I did realize the plan was a bit unrealistic. And I saw the ladder, so yeah, end up here every time I feel upset ever since then…

-          That’s kinda cute, really… I didn’t know you were so emotional as a kid…

-          Well, all rivers have their turns, don’t they? You know, back then, there was even a little grey cat that would come to me every time I climbed up here. I wonder where it is now…

Steven was looking for something to say when Xabi leaned in and rested his head on the Scouser’s shoulder.

-          Life just goes on, doesn’t it? That cat… Nagore… Daniel… they will all forget me someday, won’t they? – The younger man whispered. Steven just remained silent. He didn’t think his words were necessary at that moment - I wonder why I can’t just live in the past, why those good old days didn’t just go on… The present is too tough…

-          The past was not at all easier, you know… - Steven suddenly said, making Xabi lifted his head up a little in surprise - It’s just that the past is always coated with sugar, because at the end of the day, only the good things will remain in our memory.

It was Xabi’s turn to remain silent. Steven continued:

-          I know you may think these days are a bit tough, but in the end, they will be coated with sugar as well! And when you look back, they won’t seem so bad anymore…

-          Wow… didn’t know you’re also the deep type… - Xabi laughed playfully, but moving his head a little nearer to Steven’s neck, nuzzled comfortably against his friend’s shoulder. The older man felt his own cheeks burning up.

-          Well, I guess those books in the coffee shop did help to enlighten me… - He put an arm around Xabi, pulling the Basque in closer – Hey, I know it’s tough, but I’m here with you, okay?

-          Thanks Stevie…

They sat in silence for a long while, each following their own realm of thoughts. Finally, Steven spoke up in low voice:

-          Hey Xabi… - He hardly heard himself - … can you let me be with you? I don’t want to wait around anymore…

He waited anxiously, but no response from the man besides him. Gathering his courage, Steven looked down, only to find Xabi had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He was stunned for a few seconds, but in the end just smiled and shook his head.

_Maybe it’s not the right time yet…_

 

 

 

In those few days, Steven also got to know Mrs. Alonso more. Back to the first day they met, he must admit he was a bit intimidated by her presence. She had the vibe of a wealthy woman: posh, patronizing and powerful. She didn’t try so much to be friendly with him, only asked necessary questions when they dined together.

However, there was one thing that made Steven feel sympathize with her immensely: the way she cared for Xabi. The younger man and his mother were not on the closest term: they barely showed any affection to each other, and the way they talked was just really formal. But Steven knew Mrs. Alonso loved her son tremendously, even though her way to express it was a bit clumsy.

He once saw her secretively slipped into the kitchen and asked the cook to let her take over. Throughout the dinner that night, she kept looking up nervously to check Xabi’s attitude; only when her son gave a compliment on the soup did she relax and let out a small, unnoticeable sigh of relief. Seeing it all, Steven could not help but smile amusedly.

-          Mr. Gerrard, can I ask you something? – She asked him one day during breakfast, as they were waiting for Xabi to come down and join them.

-          Yes, sure!

-          Is something going on with Xabi? – She looked at Steven straight in the eyes. He gulped nervously.

\-          Hmm... What do you mean, exactly?

\-          Well, there seems to be a lot of things going on in his head and troubling him.

\-          Oh, that... He’s… hmm… going through a hard time…

-          Is it with the team?

-          Well, not really… - Steven bit his lips, not sure if she had any idea about Daniel.

-          Is it with that boy Daniel, then? Did they break up?

-          Oh… - _So she knows –_ …yes, they did, since April. Xabi didn’t tell you? – Steven felt strange. If she knew that they had been together, she should have known they broke up as well, logically.

-          Xabi had stopped telling me things since 7th grade. He only does so when he wants to ask for permission. – She tried to keep a straight face, but a hint of sadness could still be seen.

-          That’s because she has very high expectations. Every time I tell her something, she seems disappointed, as if I’m not living a proper life…

That was Xabi’s reply when Steven asked him why so. The Scouser nodded understandingly. However, he didn’t really have an idea how serious it could be, until the following day.

-          Xabi – Mrs. Alonso looked up at her son – I heard you and that boy Daniel broke up?

-          Yes, we did. – Xabi answered, still giving the steak on his plate undivided attention.

-          Well, to be honest, I’m happy for you. I’ve never actually liked that boy, with his tattoos and all…

-          I know.

-          I cannot see in what way he suited you. He was totally different from us.

-          …

-          I don’t really understand what you saw in him. I hope you would know what is good for you next ti…

-          I… - Xabi suddenly interrupted. He put down his cutleries and stood up. - … I’m full already. Please excuse me.

Mrs. Alonso looked completely lost. Her widely opened eyes followed Xabi as he left the dining room. Steven mumbled ‘sorry’ and went after the younger man.

-          Hey… - He sat down next to Xabi on the rooftop – …you’re okay?

-          Not really…

-          I think she didn’t mean it…

-          She does, Stevie. She has always made it clear that she dislikes him!

-          I mean… - Steven bit his lips - … she didn’t mean to make you upset with those words…

-          I know. She thinks those words would comfort me... – Xabi shook his head – I appreciate it, but this is not what I need right now…

Steven just nodded to signal that he understood, and tried to think of some ways to make his friend feel better. An idea flashed across his mind.

-          Hey! How about… - He turned to the Basque with a grin on his face - … tomorrow we go buy a tent, meat and some beers…

-          For…? – Xabi raised an eyebrow.

-          We will spend our second last day of this break camping on the beach, and head home the next morning! How about that?

-          That’s… - The younger man was stunned for a short while, as if processing the idea. Eventually, he broke into a smile -… a lovely idea, indeed…

 

Mrs. Alonso was not so fond of the idea, however. But she didn’t stop them. She just stood there looking as they loaded their suitcases, the tent and the icebox into the boot of the cab.

-          Goodbye Mr. Gerrard. It was a pleasure to meet you. – She approached to shake hands with Steven when they had finished.

-          Nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Alonso.

-          Now, Xabi… - She turned to the younger man – I’m sorry about what I said the other day. I hope you’re not too upset…

-          It’s okay, Mom. I know you only had good intentions…

-          Thank you, Xabi. And please also know that… - She pulled him into a tight hug. Her voice was a little shaky and as soft as a whisper - … even though sometimes I say certain things that may make you think I’m the worst mother on this Earth, I truly do love and care for you.

Xabi was surprised. It had been very long since he last heard something like that from his mother.

-          I love you too, Mom. - He squeezed her back gently – And I’ve grown old enough to realize you’re always the best…

Steven could not help but feeling a bit guilty for taking Xabi from her. As the cab driver started the engine and drove away, Mrs. Alonso still stood there, clutching tightly onto the scarf around her shoulders. Xabi only stopped looking out of the side window when the cab had made a turn, and his mother was completely out of their sight.


	21. Mistake

The cab took them to the coastal area in the North. Steven stepped out, more than a bit overwhelmed by the scenery lying in front of him: deep blue water, white sand, rocky mountains stretching all the way to the horizon.

-          How come such a nice place is totally deserted? – Steven looked around as they were setting up the tent. No one else was in sight.

-          This area is a bit too rocky to be popular. – Xabi shrugged absent-mindedly. He was focusing on hammering the tent stakes into the hard ground, and hence failed to notice the way Steven’s face beamed. The thought of spending one whole day and night on this pretty beach with Xabi filled Steven’s stomach with butterflies.

 

When they had finished with the tent, the two friends headed to look for a more sandy area for their beach football game. They played restlessly, totally taken away in the gush of excitement. Once they stopped to look at the time, it was already past noon, so they went back to the tent for lunch. It took them 15 minutes to gather enough twigs and dry leaves, and 1 hour to start the fire, since it turned out that Steven’s scouting skills were “not as smooth as before”. But the food was nice, at least.

-          I’m way too full… - Steven lied down on his back and gently patted his round belly - Let’s just sleep all the way until tomorrow morning…

-          No way! Get up you lazy sloth!!

-          Come on Xabi! Don’t sabotage this poor old man…

-          Fine! – Xabi pursed his lips – Then I’ll do my dipping alone!

The younger man walked towards the sea, rolling up his trousers on his way out. Only when his whole calves were in the water did he stop. Xabi closed his eyes, enjoying the sea breezes caressing his stubbly face, completely clueless that Steven was approaching him from behind. The older man smirked mischievously and, without much hesitation, pushed Xabi into the water.

-          Aaahh! – Xabi was still facing down, his whole body except for the back immersed in water when he gripped his left arm tightly, seeming to be in great pain. Steven’s face went pale at once. He got down onto his knees immediately, ignoring the sandy water soaking his pants:

-          Xabi, you okay?! Where does it hur…

Steven didn’t manage to finish his sentence. Xabi suddenly turned around and pressed a handful of muddy sand into Steven’s chest, pushing the older man onto the ground.

-          Ah hah!!! What goes around comes around, you know? – Xabi rose up to his feet, a grin spread all over his face – Now stand up! This is war! – He shouted excitedly and ran away.

-          Wait!!! – Steven called out as he clumsily picked himself up. He mumbled bitterly – Gosh, Xabi, you know well I’m too old for this shit…

But the Scouser chased after his friend anyway. Occasionally during their run, either of them would bend down to scoop some mud and throw mercilessly at each other; or they would dig their feet into the soft wet ground and unleash all their power in a forceful kick, sending mud all over the place. Both of them were soon covered in wet sand and soaked with salt water, but they didn’t seem to mind that at all. Steven finally caught up with Xabi, daubing the poor victim with mud. Xabi didn’t give up easily though – he tried to swipe his friend’s face with his mud-caked fingers. The two of them got into quite a chaotic wrestle and eventually, both ended up on the ground panting but laughing so hard.

-          Well, look like I win this war. – Xabi said challengingly.

-          Excuse me? I know you’re upset about losing but at least admit that I’m way better! – Steven rolled his eyes good-naturedly – And look! I even managed to keep my whole face clean!

-          Well, not totally! You have a huge mark of mud there… - Xabi chuckled. He raised his hand and gently wiped Steven’s face with the clean side of his palm.

As the younger man touched him, Steven felt his heart skipped a beat. The playful grin on his face dropped and he gazed at Xabi, not so aware of it. The Basque soon noticed the sudden change of atmosphere, and more importantly, the way Steven was moving closer and closer to him. His heart beat frantically in his chest while his mind went blank.

But at the point when Steven’s lips were just a few centimeters away from his, Xabi turned away.

Xabi could see through the corner of his eye how Steven stopped dead on his track, obviously stunned. He could see how the older man’s shoulders drooped down in disappointment, how he turned away awkwardly to face the ocean. Xabi bit his lips, feeling more than a bit guilty.

 

They just sat there side by side without any words exchanged for a very long time. Long enough for the red hot sun to set and the silvery moon to come out. Long enough for the sea breezes to grow stronger, drying and blowing away most of the dust on them. Long enough for Steven to gather enough courage to speak up first:

-          Hey, it’s late. Let’s get back… - the Scouser spoke softly. Xabi nodded his head and stood up.

They strolled their way back, listening closely to the comforting sound of waves breaking against the coast.

-          How do you feel… about the whole trip? – Once again Steven struck the conversation.

-          It was amazing, honestly… - Xabi smiled – I love every single moment of the last few days. You had fun too?

-          Absolutely! One of the loveliest breaks I’ve ever had.

-          Too bad it was only a week. That’s surely not much time…

-          I know right! Gosh I wish I could be with you like this for just a bit longer…

Xabi felt his cheeks flushed at those words, but he just tightened his lips and kept quiet. The Scouser also realized what he had just said. However, before he could say anything else…

-          Ah! – Xabi suddenly felt a sharp pain. He sat down, his fingers looked for the fresh cut on the sole of his foot. Steven attended to him right away:

-          Hey, what happened?!

-          I think I stepped on rock and cut my foot…

-          Shit! Is it bleeding?!

-          I’m not so sure… It’s too dark to see…

Without hesitation, Steven squatted down.

-          Come, Xabi, I’ll carry you back!

-          Oh no, it’s not necessary!!

-          It is! You cannot keep on walking! The wound may be infected. – Steven urged the younger man. – Come on, I don’t want you to walk in pain!

Xabi was still reluctant, but finally gave in. He climbed onto Steven’s back and shyly put his arm around the man’s neck. Steven sighed, but an idea flashed in his dark mind. He stepped up and pretended to almost drop Xabi, making the younger man tighten the embrace around his neck at once. The Scouser smirked with satisfaction and moved forward.

 

They didn’t really talk, as Xabi thought that might make Steven exhausted. He just sat in silence, absorbing the mild and comforting scent of coconut from Steven’s hair. It made his heart beat a little faster and some strangely warm feelings fill his stomach. A thought suddenly came across his mind, a thought of how this might just be what he had always wanted all these time, to be kept so close to Steven. He smiled sheepishly and leaned against the back of Steven’s head.

-          Hey, you’re asleep? – Steven suddenly asked.

-          No. Why?

-          Nothing, just want to make sure you’re not enjoying yourself too much while I’m suffering here…

-          What do you mean by ‘suffering’? I’m not even that heavy!

-          Well, you _were_ not that heavy, now you are. Speak the truth Xabi, did you gain weight??!

-          No!!! Of course not!

-          Don’t be shy; it’s okay to get fat. I think your charm won’t be affected that much even if you turn into a meatball… Ouch!

Xabi stopped Steven’s talking with a loving kick in the hip. Unfortunately, the love was too much for Steven to handle. The man lost his balance and fell onto the ground, with Xabi first and him closely behind, landing precisely on the younger man’s arm. Steven immediately turned to his side, uttering a ‘sorry’.

 

And their noses touched.

 

It was too dark for them to see each other clearly, but Xabi could feel Steven’s warm breath on his cheeks. The smell of coconut shampoo was even stronger than before, paralyzing Xabi completely. He thought his own breath might be weakening, and his mind was such a mess, refusing to function.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t even think about turning away when Steven pressed their lips together. The older man placed a hand on Xabi’s face, gently caressing the stubbly cheek with his thumb. Xabi found himself closing his eyes and tilting his head to deepen their kiss, sucking on Steven’s lower lip impatiently. That clearly turned the Scouser on. He devoured the pair of lips he had always been dreaming of; his nose rubbed against Xabi’s cheek, enjoying the mixed scent of seawater and ginger cologne on the man’s skin. Xabi put his arms around Steven’s neck, pulling him in closer, as if he could not stand having any gaps between their bodies.

They didn’t really remember how they managed to get back to the tent, but what came after that certainly remained among their most vivid memories. Xabi remembered how he shivered as Steven pressed hot wet kisses around his neck, how he chuckled while the older man struggled clumsily to unbutton all their clothes, how he could feel the adrenaline rushing in his bloodlines when Steven moved about all over him, covering his body with little kisses. And, even though his mind was paralyzed with pleasure most of the time, there were moments in which he wondered, how could he start to yearn for something this badly just at the very first moment he encountered it?

But then came along the thoughts about what he wanted, and what he should not have wanted.

Steven didn’t think that much, though – he was too much into the moments to think anything properly. It was like a dream came true, that he could be here, holding Xabi so close like he had always wanted, treasuring every single inch on the man’s body. And as he went into Xabi, hearing the Basque gasp and moan his name, feeling the younger man’s fingers digging into his back painfully, pleasure and happiness almost tore his heart apart.

He had never felt anything so close to perfection.

 

Steven fell asleep easily after that, and he had such a strange dream. He was in the middle of the vast ocean, surrounded by nothing but the deep blue water. His feet could not reach the seabed, and he was getting really exhausted. Steven thought he would be drowning soon.

But right at the moment he decided to let it go, water suddenly split, just like in those myths and movies. Steven landed soundlessly on his feet, looking around in confusion. And he saw what he wanted.

Xabi was standing at the far end of lane, smiling at him sweetly. A grin spread across Steven’s face. He immediately ran towards the younger man, his heart filled with joy and childlike excitement. As Steven got near enough, he reached out.

And to his shock, Xabi broke down into million little droplets of water. Spontaneously, the ocean walls collapsed, drowning Steven completely…

When Steven woke up the next morning, Xabi was gone.

 

..................................................................................................................................................

 

_Hey Stevie,_

_Please don’t panic, and don’t try to look for me. I have left early this morning to catch the train to Barcelona, and I’ll fly back from there. It’s not like I don’t want to go back with you, but, I really need some time alone to think thoroughly, about everything. I’m really sorry._

_It’s been a wonderful trip, and I’m happy that it happened. I want to have something to remind me of this, hence I took the flight ticket you bought me. I put yours in the pocket of your coat. I have also packed up everything for you. Remember to check the time and don’t be late for your flight._

_See you later in Anfield._

_Again, sorry for doing this._

_Xabi_

 

..................................................................................................................................................

 

There were only a few drops at first, but soon, it became a heavy downpour. Xabi sighed as he took out his umbrella. Only a few hundred meters away from home, and Liverpool decided to welcome him back with this.

The flight was not so long, but Xabi felt really tired, or to be more precise, mentally exhausted. He had determined to figure out the answer for the situation, but every time he thought about it, his head hurt. In the end, he just gave up, which made him feel all the more terrible. He grumpily kicked a small stone on the pavement. Sometimes he hated himself for trying too hard to be rational. It was troublesome rather than helpful.

Suddenly, Xabi stopped on his track. His eyes widened.

Apparently the rain was not the only thing there to welcome him.

 

-          Stevie, why are you sitting here?! – He yelped, rushing towards the gate of the stadium. Steven was huddling himself up in the corner, under the tiny roof of the post guard. He looked up and beamed as he saw Xabi.

-          Hey, mate… Back so late? I went up to your room but you were not back yet, so I came down here to wait. I really want to talk to you…

Xabi gulped. He didn’t think he was ready for this:

-          Stevie, I… I still haven’t…

-          No no, just listen to me first. – The Scouser rose to his feet and reached out for Xabi’s hand, holding onto it. – Xabi, I don’t think I can go on another day without you. I truly, desperately want to be with you. Can we just get together?

The younger man seemed stunned. He bit his lips and his feet fidgeted, as if he was thinking really hard. In the end, he reluctantly withdrew his hand:

-          I’m sorry Stevie, but I don’t think it’s a good idea now…

-          Why? – Steven asked, looking like an abandoned child – Don’t you love me?

-          Of course I do! You’re one of my closest friends and…

-          Not that! I mean, don’t you have feelings for me? I know you well enough, Xabi. You would not sleep with someone you don’t have feelings for!

-          Well, that’s true, but as I told you, a small part of me always have feelings for you, so it’s not counted!

-          Why not?! How can you just flick away everything like that?! It doesn't mean anything to you?!

-          No!! I’m not denying it in any way, but I’m still in love with Daniel and it… it feels wrong, Stevie! It may just be a mistake…

Steven’s mouth opened in disbelief. He asked, feeling dry in his throat:

-          You think… I’m just a mistake?

-          I… I don’t know! I haven’t figured it out yet. I…

-          Xabi, just listen to this, please… - Steven tried to control his breathing and suppress all the violent emotions going on within him - … I know that… I used to hurt you. I was stupid, I broke your heart, I gave up my own chance. Then Daniel came along and you two got together, even though it was painful, I know I deserved it. But now… Xabi can’t you see the truth that just like him, I have loved you from the start? And you have feelings for me as well - you said it yourself. So why on Earth aren’t we together?!! Not a day has passed without me asking myself that. This is just unfair!

-          Stevie I… I’m sorry, but…

-          You can keep that for yourself. I’m going back inside now. – Steven turned to walk away. Suddenly, he stopped and said, without turning to look at Xabi – And just so you know, what you said hurts more than you think.

Xabi stood dead at his spot. He had never felt this helpless, as he watched Stevie’s figure getting smaller and fading away in the cold heavy rain.

He could not help but question himself, whether being rational was that important after all.


	22. Fix You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically this is the end. Nothing too dramatic for a chapter...

Steven refused to speak to Xabi since then. He avoided the younger man whenever it was possible, and when he couldn’t, he acted as if the Basque was invisible. For the first few days, Xabi thought he could handle that – it gave him time and space to think about things. However, when this I’m-so-not-on-speaking-terms-with-you thing dragged on, he started to panic. They surely had ups and downs as friends, but however complicated things got, this never happened. Consequently, Xabi’s mind was totally occupied with how to fix things with Steven, rather than the _other_ mess.

It was so bad to such an extent that when Xabi texted ‘Stevie, I really want to talk to you.’ Steven actually gave him a straightforward, right-in-the-heart ‘No’. It might seem a bit cold-hearted of Steven, but the older man had his own misery. It was not like he didn’t want to listen to Xabi, but there were particular things he was afraid of hearing from the younger man. His heart was broken badly enough from their last conversation.

 

 

 

-          Pair up. Quick! – The coach clapped his hands exhortatively.

Xabi took a quick glance at Steven, only to see that the other man was also looking at him. They had always been a pair during trainings, so he hoped the captain would not change that. The corner of his mouth immediately drooped as Steven turned away, threw an arm around Jamie’s shoulders and walked with the other man to one side to start their session. Xabi let out a sigh. As he was trying to look for someone else, he heard a voice behind him:

-          Hey, do you mind pairing up with me? – Daniel asked with a small half smile. – Stevie took my partner.

-          Oh, erm… sure! – Xabi felt his heart beat a little faster. This was their first proper conversation after quite some time. They sat down on the grass.

-          How are you doing, Xab? – After a few minutes of inevitable awkwardness, Daniel struck a conversation.

-          Okay I guess… How about you, Dan?

-          Fantastic, intrinsically.

Xabi didn’t hide a small laugh, as familiarity warmed his heart. How much he had been missing this…

-          But hey… - Daniel looked up again – Something with you and Stevie?

-          Why do you think so? – The Basque gulped, avoiding the question.

-          Well, generally, it’s been rather obvious; and if you need an instant example, he has been staring at me as if I killed his pet. – The boy shrugged. He said without looking at Steven – I can feel his deadly stare burning my side right now.

Xabi threw a quick look and well, Daniel’s description could not be more accurate.

-          So what’s wrong? – The boy repeated, and as he saw the reluctance still lingering in Xabi’s eyes, he spoke softly – Hey, you know you can always be honest with me…

-          He… he wants us to get together…

-          That’s not hard to see. So you rejected him?

-          Kinda… I think that’s how he took it…

-          But why? Don’t you have feelings for him also?

Xabi’s eyes widened, but then he looked down and tightened his lips:

-          How… how do you know?

-          Well, if you don’t you wouldn’t be so miserable right now - Daniel rolled his eyes, mostly to hide his feelings. _‘Because I have always been watching you’_ was what he wanted to say, but that would not help, at all. – What is stopping you, Xabi?

-          I’m still… - The older man almost said it, but he stopped in time – There are still things that have not been settled…

Xabi was not sure if Daniel got what that was supposed to mean. Maybe he did, because he remained quiet for             quite a while, before speaking softly:

-          But they will be, won’t they? – The boy smiled with a hint of sadness. Xabi’s mouth slightly opened out of surprise, but before he could say anything, Daniel continued – Xab, Stevie is an amazing person, you know it. We all know it. And he loves you so much; he has been waiting for so long. But will he just keep on waiting? No! The man is at his breaking point already, and you’re wasting your time!

The older man looked at his ex-lover, utter confusion in his eyes. He murmured:

-          But why are you telling me all these things? Don’t you… don’t you feel anything?

-          I… - Daniel turned away to avoid the intense gaze, but then decided to face it anyway – I want you to be in good hands, Xab. And, since I’m not in your list anymore… - The boy smiled bitterly as he said that - … I support him 100%. I’m on his team!

-          I didn’t know you still care… - The Basque tilted his head a little.

-          I do. And… I’m honest, Xab. Please just get together. You two deserve that.

Xabi smiled a little as appreciation filled his eyes.

-          Thanks Dan. I’ll try… -

 

 

 

It had been two weeks since they stopped talking, and the situation had started to get on Steven’s nerve. He had been so used to being around Xabi that now, when he could not be anymore, he struggled to occupy himself. And that was how the 5km-forrest-track-run came about.

As Steven was running down the road as usual, head full of thoughts about life and a particular man, he noticed something. On a tree branch stretching all the way out ahead of him hung a piece of paper. No, a photo. Steven’s eyes squinted to see it clearer as he slowed down, and he almost yelped at what he saw. It was a photo of him and Xabi.

The Scouser reluctantly took the photo down. It was the one taken during Xabi’s presentation at Anfield, their first photo together. The younger man looked so different back then, with his messy hairstyle and the absence of his beard.

Just a few meters from there, another photo was spotted. He was giving Xabi a pat on the back, during the other man’s first game. More and more photos were found, each carefully footnoted with the date and event in which they had been captured; all were arranged in chronological order. _This is just so ‘Xabish’_ \- Steven smiled as he walked on.

Some were taken during trainings; many others were from their matches, during celebrations – including that legendary kiss in Istanbul, of course; that one from the awkward advertisement photoshoot, in which they held a ball together while gazing at each other; those taken every time they visited a new restaurant in their ‘must-try’ list, or when they went to watch a great show. Oh and this one! A photo of Steven himself mixing the batter in a big bowl with undivided concentration, while Xabi was standing behind him, looking over his shoulders with a _‘wow, not bad!’_ face. He was trying to make a cake for his mother’s birthday, and Xabi volunteered to help. Steven remembered how the beautiful mixture in that bowl was eventually sent from the oven straight to the waste basket, being confirmed as too burnt to be edible.

The Scouser chuckled as all the memories flashed through his mind; his heart was warmed with intense affection. They had gone through so many things together, and he loved this man just too much.

As Steven reached for their most recent photo, he thought he saw a small figure slumping on the ground behind the bush. His heart started to race as he approached the person, because he knew exactly who it was.

-          Xabi?

-          Huh? – The younger man turned sharply, his eyes wide opened as he saw Steven – Stevie?!! Why are you so fast??! There are like hundreds of photos…

The Basque turned out to be arranging some tiny candles into a heart shape, surrounding a small wood log on the ground. He immediately stood up and made his way towards the older man, but stumbled against the log. As fast as lightning, Steven darted forward to hold Xabi, kept the man from falling. Xabi looked up just as Steven looked down at him, and they both realized the situation might just get a bit awkward.

-          Hi Stevie… - Xabi murmured, not knowing what else to say. But he knew it was okay as Steven replied:

-          Hi there…

-          Hmm as you can see… - Xabi regained his balance and stood up - … I’m still setting up, so can you… how now?... oh just sit down here first!

He patted on the log and returned to his work. Steven gazed at the man in front of him: a drop of sweat was rolling down Xabi’s temple, his tongue tucking out at the corner of his lips as he tediously arranged the candles. The older man could not hide a grin.

-          Oh come on… - Xabi mumbled out of desperation as the lighter refused to work. Steven walked towards him, took the lighter and to Xabi’s surprise, flicked it on effortlessly.

-          Go sit, I’ll handle it!

-          No!! I…

-          Really… You may take until midnight. The insects will kill us! Just go sit. – Steven said patronizingly. Xabi pursed his lips, but obeyed anyway.

Xabi tilted his head and watched the older man finishing the job easily. He let out a sigh:

-          We can never be romantic, can’t we?

The word “we” struck Steven at once, and his mind went back on the mess between them right now. What was Xabi trying to do? What did all these things mean? Steven wanted to believe the answer he was having in his head, but life so far had been proving from time to time that being presumptuous did nothing but hurt. So he just finished things in silence, before taking a seat beside Xabi on the log.

-          Well… That’s not something I would mind at all if we were together, you know… - Steven whispered, looking down at his feet. Xabi turned his head, a little taken aback, and finally, he asked:

-          So will you, Stevie… will you be with me?

Steven was clearly shocked as he heard that from the younger man, although that was what he had been longing to hear. Xabi continued:

-          I know you are probably still mad at me because of what I said last time. But Stevie, I was just so broken back then! And even now, that hasn’t changed much. I thought it was for the best that we waited until I was totally fixed…

-          I know what you wanted – Steven interrupted - …and it was really sad for me to see that, after all my effort to fix you, you don’t seem to recover at all! The way you looked at Daniel the other day during training, with that immense sadness in your eyes, it kills me! But even if only 1% of your heart belongs to me, I still want to be with you. And although I may be such a clumsy dumb that I can’t even fix you, Xabi, the truth is that I love you broken!

The Basque was genuinely touched. A sheepish smile flashed on his face as he nudged against Steven’s shoulder:

-          Hey, you’re not a dumb! Daniel said you’re an amazing person, and that I’m wasting my own time for not being with you right away…

-          He did??!

-          Yeah, and I think he’s absolutely right. – Xabi gently squeezed Steven’s hand – Stevie, timing has always been such a bitch to us, so can we just get together right now, before something comes along and ruins everything?

-          Well… - The Scouser placed his hand on Xabi’s cheeks - …I’d love that.

And then, not another word was exchanged between them. It didn’t seem necessary anymore. They just looked at each other deeply in the eyes, seeing through how emotions were swelling up in the opposite’s heart. They leaned in slowly, until their lips met in a long chaste kiss, and somehow, it felt so fresh as if this was the first time they had ever touched each other.

Steven tilted his head, at the same time pressed Xabi deeper in the kiss; while the younger man placed his hands on Steven’s shoulders, pulling him closer. The kiss was free of sorrow or regrets, free of blinding desire or anxiety, free of questions or doubts – it was free of all thoughts and feelings, free of anything.

Anything but their love for each other.

 

 

 

That night, as they huddled together under the sheets, Steven suddenly asked:

-          Hey, so how long did it take us to get together in total?

-          Uhm… let’s say it all started in 2005... then it would be 4 years?

-          Now that’s really long, isn’t it? – The Scouser pursed his lips – If only I had made the right choice earlier…

-          No, don’t say that! Stevie, you need to stop thinking about things in that way! – Xabi sat up a little and leaned in closer against Steven’s chest – You know I have this theory about life, it’s called ‘The Door Theory’…

-          Seriously, Xabi?

-          Yes! It goes like this: when you have to make a decision in life, you always feel like you’re standing in a corridor with all the doors closed, each leading to different consequences. You’re allowed to choose one of them to walk through. But actually, that’s not how it works! All the doors are actually locked, or have brick walls behind them, because there is only one door, one path for you, a path that has been written since you were born, like a story. You may think you’re making all the wrong and right choices in this life, but you’re not! Life is just giving you the illusion that the decision is in your hand…

-          Whoa whoa whoa!!! I think that’s enough philosophy for a night... – Steven shook his head, totally confused.

-          I just want to share with you my thoughts about life…

-          You know my brain is not made for those things, dear…

Xabi pouted a little, but stopped anyway. Noticing the silence, the Scouser leaned in to plant a kiss on his lover’s lips:

-          But hey, I’m glad I’m there in your story! – He grinned brightly. Xabi smiled as he nuzzled comfortably against the older man’s body.

-          I’m glad I’m in yours, too. And let’s just hope I’ll be there for long…

-          I know you will be, until the very last page. Now let’s sleep.

Both of them closed their eyes, their mind chasing their own thoughts. But whatever those thoughts were, they put a smile on their faces, filled their hearts with warmth and hopes; because they knew when they woke up the next morning, a new chapter would begin.

A chapter in which they had each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is still one more chapter to go. Please support me I need it, really... :)


	23. Dead spots

-          Soooo… you two are together? – Alvaro raised an eyebrow.

In a local bar, the whole team were celebrating their most recent victory against Real Madrid. Steven had decided that as soon as they won an important match, he would make an official statement about his relationship with Xabi.

-          Yes, yes we are! – He put an arm around his lover, pulling the man closer. Xabi smiled sheepishly.

-          Like… really together? Exclusively? – Pepe asked excitedly.

-          Exclusively – Steven answered firmly.

Daniel finished two third of the liquid in his glass, hoping it would reduce his hearing ability. He took a quick glance at the couple. His heart dropped as he saw Xabi looking at him with a gentle smile. The boy forced a smile back, as if to say _‘I’m okay’_ , then directed his focus back to his glass on the table. _Well, this is just so pathetic…_

He didn’t notice that a pair of brown eyes had been observing him throughout the night.

 

 

-          Maybe it’s time to leave…

Daniel heard what Steven said, but his eyes remained closed. Most of his teammates had already gone back, leaving him behind with the couple and only a few people. Not wanting to leave yet, but feeling too awkward to face them, the boy pretended to fall asleep until everyone left him alone.

-          What about Daniel? – Xabi’s voice warmed his heart a little, but soon he got back with his bitterness and heartache. He knew it didn’t mean anything.

-          I’ll take care of him. – Another voice. Daniel frowned. He thought everyone had already left, then who was this fellow wanting to take care of him?

-          Thanks, please bring him home soon… - Xabi said appreciatively.

Sounds of their footsteps quickly faded, swallowed by the noise in the bar. Daniel felt a gentle pat on his shoulder:

-          They’re gone. Don’t need to pretend anymore.

The boy immediately rose, rather shocked to see Fernando Torres smirking down at him. Daniel cleared his throat, more than a bit embarrassed:

-          How… how do you know?

-          Well let’s say… - The blonde bent down and whispered into Daniel’s ear - … I’ve been watching you, I guess?

The defender felt heat spreading from the point where Fernando’s lips slightly touched his ear throughout his body. Maybe he had drunk a little too much. He gulped nervously.

Fernando chuckled as he heard that. He leaned in even closer, placing his hand slightly on Daniel’s wrist and said:

-          Maybe we should go home, before I have to drag you.

The boy felt as if he was burnt by the touch. Actually, Daniel didn’t really want to leave yet, but something in Fernando’s voice made his own will not so important anymore.

 _This is just so weird…_ Daniel thought as he stood up to follow the Spaniard.

As soon as he rose to his feet, the boy felt dizzy. He lost his balance easily and fell forward. Fernando turned around and caught him just in time. They were so close that Daniel could smell the warm, woody fragrance from the blonde’s body. It worsened his condition, to be honest.

He made it outside onto the cab anyway. They didn’t say anything at all on the way back. At times, Daniel took a quick glance at the man beside him. Silky, wavy blonde hair covered the striker’s forehead, right above his beautiful eternally brown eyes; his eyelashes was long and perfectly curved, and, all around his elegantly straight nose were the freckles rumored to drive all men crazy. Fernando Torres was one gorgeous young man, Daniel couldn’t deny that.

As the cab skidded to a stop in front of the dorm gate, Daniel searched in his pocket for cash. However:

-          It’s okay, I’ve got this. – Fernando gently placed a hand on his thigh.

_Now this is definitely not good._

Fernando insisted on accompanying Daniel back to his room, saying that he didn’t want to find the defender sleeping on the hallway the next morning. Daniel argued he didn’t drink that much, but gave in with a sigh anyway. They soon reached Daniel’s room, but just as the boy was about to turn the doorknob, they heard Xabi and Steven’s voices from inside. Daniel’s hand left the door at once. He turned around and murmured sullenly:

-          I’ll use the living room, I guess…

But before he could go, Fernando had gently touched his arm:

-          Hey… I think my room may have enough space for you…

 

-          I’m roomed with Pepe, but he’s rarely around. He drives back after trainings to spend the night with his wife and kids… - Fernando explained as he unlocked the door and entered, Daniel following closely behind.

As soon as the defender slipped inside, he pushed the door shut and turned the lock. Fernando turned around in bewilderment, only to find himself thrust against the wall, Daniel’s strong arms locking his sides.

-          Well well, what is this all about? – The blonde broke into a mischievous, self-content smirk.

-          Are you always this seductive, acting all innocent and good-natured while alluring people? – Daniel said in a low voice, his eyes fixed on the Spaniard’s plump lips.

-          I’m always innocent and good-natured, but the seductive aura… - Fernando’s hands ran up and down Daniel’s collar - … I can control it. It exudes when I want it to…

-          So you’re deliberately seducing me? – The corner of Daniel’s lips went up proudly.

Fernando didn’t answer. He pulled the other man’s collar, pressing their lips together. The Spaniard skillfully nibbled Daniel’s lower lips, making the boy moan for more before letting go.

-          Well, I guess so… - He leaned in and whispered with a satisfied smile, for he knew he had succeeded in driving Daniel crazy.

Almost immediately, Daniel pinned him onto the wall, crashing their lips together violently. He savored the blonde’s lips hungrily, not trying to hide his burning desire at all. As soon as the Spaniard parted his lips to gasp for air, Daniel’s tongue instantly rushed in, urging Fernando to satisfy it. The other man’s response was just as passionate: he wrapped his arms around Daniel’s neck, grabbing the boy’s hair as his mouth muffled Daniel’s tongue, sucking it hard. The defender almost exclaimed: Fernando was just so good at this! The rumor that this pretty blonde had been sleeping around might not be so absurd after all…

Thinking about that, Daniel found it hard to control himself.

Fernando was too absorbed in the kiss to hear the tinkling sound of his belt buckle. Only when Daniel pulled his pants down did he realize what was going on, but it was too late. Daniel turned the blonde around, a firm hand pressing his shoulder against the wall. Fernando knew where this was going. For the first time throughout the night, he lost the calamity of the one who controlled the situation.

-          Danny, wai… Arghh! – A sharp excruciating pain almost tore him apart. His mouth hung open as he desperately gasped for air. It was actually not that traumatic, since he had just had sex a few days back. But still…

As the movement began, Fernando could not help but moan loudly. Daniel leaned in and nibbled his ears:

-          Not so loud! The walls are not that thick.

The blonde nodded and bit his lips, trying to repress himself. They continued for quite some time, until both of them were covered in sweat and Fernando seemed to be so exhausted that he wouldn’t moan even without suppression. Seeing the blonde shivering and panting laboriously, Daniel felt a little guilty. He turned Fernando to face him, put his arms around the Spaniard’s waist and kissed him gently on his lips. Fernando immediately melted into the Daniel’s embrace, grabbing the boy tighter.

Still holding the blonde in his arms, Daniel walked slowly backwards. As his heels found the bed, he let them fall onto the soft mattress and rolled over immediately to top Fernando. This might be the only time in his life he could sleep with this gorgeous blonde, so he wouldn’t let it end so easily.

Up until today, Daniel has to admit that was one of the best sexes he has ever had.

 

 

However, the next morning was horrendous. Daniel woke up with a splitting headache, feeling regret that he had not drunk more. Stopping halfway down the road of intoxication always took its toll on him.

-          You’re up already? – Fernando walked in as Daniel was putting his jeans back on. He sat down besides Daniel and handed him one of the cups he was holding – Here, drink this. Your head won’t hurt so bad anymore.

-          Thanks, really… - Daniel took a big gulp – Erm… hey, you’re okay?

-          Yeah, why? I didn’t drink much…

-          No no, I mean… from the sex…

-          Oh! – Fernando chuckled – Well you don’t need to worry about that. I’m used to it.

-          So… what they say about you is true? That you sleep around a lot?

-          Yeah, quite often… - The blonde shrugged, as if it was an absolutely normal thing to do. The two remained quiet for a while, before Fernando turned to look at Daniel with a playful smile – But hey, you’re quite good, you know…

-          Thanks, you’re not bad either. – The corner of Daniel lips lifted self-contently. It surprised him a little, about how they could be so casual about this whole sex thing. He put down the empty cup and stood up – Well, great night! Maybe I should go back now…

The boy grabbed his shirt and walked to the door.

-          Hey! – Daniel turned around as Fernando called out for him. The blonde smile sweetly – You can come around sometimes, you know, when you’re sad or something…

-          Is this some kind of sex invitation?

-          No, it’s just a good-natured suggestion. I know you’ll need this, Dan… - The blonde tilted his head, speaking softly. Daniel felt a little pathetic, but he nodded anyway:

-          I’ll come when I feel the need then. Thanks, Fern.

…………………………………………………………

It turned out that Daniel needed it only a week later. One night when he went out to grab a coffee, he saw Xabi and Steven coming back from a date, holding hands. The miserable boy hid behind the guard post until the couple passed by. It was unlike him to chicken out and avoid confrontations, but he knew well hiding is always the easier way out.

At first, it didn’t feel so bad. He had seen them hugging during goal celebrations or throwing arms around each other’s shoulders before, so he thought this hand-holding was not a big deal. But somehow, the image just lingered, eating him up and slowly wrecked him. He couldn’t get it off his head, and it was too bitter to bear.

That was why he ended up knocking Fernando’s door.

 

-          Why are you sad? Something happened? – Fernando asked as he caressed the back of Daniel’s neck soothingly. The boy answered between the kisses he planted on the Spaniard’s neck:

-          I saw them hold hands.

And to his surprise, Fernando didn’t say anything. He expected a “That’s it?!”, or a skeptical comment, or at least a judging frown from the Spaniard, because well, to be honest, he himself found the reason for his anguish sound rather insignificant. But Fernando just nodded understandingly and kissed his shoulder. Daniel appreciated it tremendously. Ever since then, visiting Fernando’s room had become his habit.

There were just so many things he liked about this Spaniard. Beside his gorgeous face and the amazing sex he gave, Fernando was one of the most considerate people that Daniel had ever met. At the beginning, Daniel looked for the blonde only when he was upset, seeing Xabi and Steven together; but as time passed, he found himself crawling into Fernando’s bed a bit too often. The truth is Daniel hated lying alone in his bed, because as the night came, his wistful longing for Xabi would sting his heart, make him toss and turn uncomfortably. The boy thought such a reason sounded really pathetic and needy, so he made up all kinds of other nonsensical reasons to knock on Fernando’s door. But however stupid the excuses he gave, Fernando never rejected or judged him. The blonde would always smile sweetly at him and stroked his back consolingly.

Secondly, Fernando never pushed him, never made him answer things he didn’t want to talk about. The striker always satisfied himself with whatever Daniel gave him as a reply and never demanded for more. Fernando was not like a normal friend who would show concerns about Daniel’s affair; he was more like an aspirin, always there to relieve the boy’s pain, and that was it. But somehow it made Daniel feel really comfortable, and strangely, want to share more with the Spaniard.

So one day, as they lied exhausted next to each other, Daniel told Fernando everything: how things started, how things ended, what he felt throughout this whole time. The blonde lied silently in Daniel’s arms, listened attentively. As the boy finished, he asked:

-          Danny, I just don’t quite understand. If you still loved him so much, why did you urge him to get together with Stevie?

-          Well, I… I don’t know, I just think that might help to heal me. It’s like rubbing salt onto my own wound, so that I could get used to the pain, ‘cause I know they would be together anyway…

-          So did it work?

-          Not really. I felt really stupid after that! But I still think I made a right choice, and to be honest, I’m getting better now…

-          Thanks to my “consoling sessions”, right? – Fernando looked up at him, grinning perkily. Daniel gazed down at the blonde, a dumb smile spread across his face.

-          Yeah, I guess so.

 

But if Daniel was asked to choose only one thing about Fernando, the one thing that he liked most, it would be, well…

-          Hey Danny… - Fernando turned to him one night, after their love making. It was about 10 p.m, and countless stars could be seen outside the room’s window.

-          Yes?

-          Do you think Astrology is Science?

-          Huh?? – Daniel raised an eyebrow – Fern, are you mimicking my rubbish talks to mock me?

-          What? No! This is nothing like your rubbish talks! – Fernando explained self-righteously – Even though the content may be similar, your rubbish talks are rude, because their timings are terrible. What I’m trying to begin here is an intellectual conversation!

-          With a sex partner? Really, Fern?

-          How about with a fellow who loves to discuss similarly futile things?

-          Fine… Well, then I think…

Just like that, rubbish talks/intellectual conversations became a vital part of their ‘consoling sections’. They took turn to think of the topic each time, and Fernando always surprised Daniel with his suggestions, ranging from “the criteria of knowledge” to “whether colors and sounds exist in the objective world”. Daniel could not believe he used to think Fernando was a shallow, witless guy, and he wondered where the hell the blonde got all these out-of-the-earth ideas from. However, the defender truly loved these so called intellectual conversations, as much as he loved their ‘consoling sections’, or the fact that he and Fernando had become deeply attached. The Spaniard was surely the best friend with benefits he ever had, ignoring the truth that he had only one.

But he knew, even if he might have many (let’s hope not), no one would ever be like Fernando, and no one could take the position of the Spaniard in his heart.

 

 

Generally, Daniel was satisfied with things between him and Fernando. But sometimes, just sometimes, he wondered what was in that little mind of the blonde (except for all those quirky thoughts about life), because although they talked a lot, he didn’t know about Fernando more than he did before at all. Daniel wanted to change that.

-          Hey Danny, it’s your turn today to come up with the topic. – Fernando gave his shoulder a nudge.

-          Oh okay… - _Here’s my chance_ – Hmm… Fern, you used to say… you don’t bang teammates, then why do you sleep with me?

-          Huh?! This doesn’t sound like an intellectual topic to me...

-          Come on!! I just can’t stop wondering!

-          Okay… well… maybe because that night in the bar, you looked so pathetic… hey, don’t make that face, I’ve not finished!... it kinda reminded me of myself years ago, and I just suddenly thought ‘Hey, he must be feeling like shit right now, just like you did! Come and help the poor fellow! He needs it’. And sex is a magical remedy from my view, so yeah…

-          Did I look _that_ pathetic? So pathetic that you decided to break your own rule?

-          Yes, you did. But you’re hot also, that’s why I decided to just go with it. – Fernando grinned mischievously, making Daniel chuckle.

-          But hey… - The defender suddenly switched tone - … what happened to you?

-          Well… long story…

-          Is it related to that guy? The somebody-you-wish-you-used-to-know guy?

-          You remember that? – Fernando looked at the boy, amazement in his eyes.

-          Yeah, of course. I felt rather guilty about that time, actually…

-          You should, and yes, that’s him. You’re quite smart, aren’t you?

-          Thanks to all the intellectual conversations you feed me…

Fernando laughed a little, but then spoke softly, a hint of sadness in his voice:

-          Hey, I don’t think I want to talk about that yet. Maybe some time later? You don’t mind?

-          Sure, it’s okay… - He smiled gently at the Spaniard – Whenever you’re ready.

Daniel didn’t have to wait for too long.

-          Fern, you’re in there? – Daniel knocked continuously, but didn’t get a response – Fernando!

The boy turned the door knob. It was not locked. He opened slightly and poked his head in, only to see Fernando slumping in the far corner of the bed, sobbing quietly. Noticing the sound, the blonde looked up:

-          Danny? – He said, his voice was shaky and hardly audible.

-          Fern, what’s wrong?!

 Daniel made his way towards the Spaniard immediately, worries in his eyes; but before he reached his friend, a voice from Fernando’s laptop, which was lying in the middle of the bed, stopped him:

-          Fernando! Where are you??! Something wrong?!

The defender frowned and looked at Fernando questioningly. As he saw no sign of objection from the Spaniard, Daniel turned the laptop to face him. It was Sergio Ramos – Real Madrid defender – on the other line of Skype.

-          Who are you?! – Sergio was clearly shocked to see the boy – Wait… you’re Agger right? Why are you here?! And where’s Fernando??!

Daniel glanced at Fernando, who had pushed himself even deeper into the corner, as if trying to become a part of the wall. The striker shook his head frantically, signaling Daniel not to tell Sergio. The defender furrowed his brows thoughtfully for a moment, and then, setting a straight face, he spoke in a monotone:

-          We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please try again later in at least a few days, or months, or years. Thank you! - A grin spread across Daniel’s face as he pulled the laptop towards him a kissed the webcam - ... And goodbye, love.

Ignoring the horrified look on Sergio’s face, Daniel closed the laptop. He looked up at Fernando, a bit worried that the Spaniard might be angry at what he did.

-          What the heck was that for?! – Fernando laughed, ignoring the tears rolling down his cheeks. Daniel grinned widely, holding back a sigh of relief. He came and sat down next to Fernando, putting an arm around the blonde’s shoulders:

-          Well, just want to show the fellow some love – Daniel lifted his hand and wiped the teardrops on Fernando’s face – So… Sergio Ramos is that ‘somebody’ guy?

The blonde nodded quietly. His laugh faded and he started to look down at his feet awkwardly. It might be a bit inconvenient that Daniel found him in such a pitiable state.

-          Hey, wanna tell me what happened? It’s okay if you refuse, though… - Daniel spoke softly. Fernando bit his lips, and finally…

-          Well, it started back in…

 

 

-          Wait wait, that’s a bit too much for me to absorb, let me revise first! – Daniel shook his head, rather confused by what he had just heard – So… you slept with Sergio, once, when you were eighteen, just for fun. But then, you fell in love with him while he didn’t know, so you two remained friends. After that, Sergio fell in love with Iker Casillas, who was in turn in love and actually got together with David Beckham. Sergio was upset, and you two had sex again, several times. However, when David Beckham left Real Madrid and broke up with Iker Casillas, Sergio decided to stop sleeping with you and chased after his old flame. And just now, that douche informed you about how he has emerged in victory, so you are here blowing your nose in my shirt. Am I right?

-          You offered me your shirt, so don’t complaint! And Sergio is not a douche. He doesn’t know I have feelings for him…

-          A stupid douche then… – Daniel shrugged nonchalantly.

-          I think it is mostly my own problem. I knew from the very beginning that he just sees me as a close friend, but I can’t stop crawling back to him! I have tried sleeping with all other men I met, but… it seems impossible to get over him! It’s so pathetic! He’s just… just a teenage crush! Things are not supposed to be like that!

-          Well, then maybe he’s not just a teenage crush! – Daniel pulled the upset Spaniard closer to him – You know, Xabi used to tell me this theory of life he came up with…

-          Is it the door one? I’ve heard that…

-          No, not that one. This one is called “The Dead Spot Theory”.

-          Xabi thinks a lot about life, doesn’t he? – Fernando chuckled.

-          I know right. Anyway, it says that each of us will encounter one person in life, with whom we fall in love and can never get over. No matter whom we meet after that, and whom we get together with in the end, now and then we will still think of them, until the end of our life. They are our ‘dead spots’.

-          That sounds kinda sad, but in a nice way…

-          Yeah, I think so, too. Anyway, the point is that you are allowed to love at least one person that desperately! You see, for example, Stevie is Xabi’s dead spot, while Xabi is mine; Sergio is your dead spot, but his is Iker Casillas, and the situation will be even worse if Iker’s is David Beckham, but let’s hope not, for the sake of your friend Sergio. That is how the tons of drama came about, and no one seems capable of getting their heads out of their asses!

-          Really? – Fernando looked up sheepishly. He whispered – So… you really think it’s okay?

-          Of course it’s okay! Even the most badass is allowed to be pathetic for one person, right?

-          But… but this means I can never get over him, right?

-          Well… basically so… But you can let someone go without getting over them.

-          Huh? How is that? – Fernando tilted his head confusedly.

-          Like, you don’t need to force yourself to stop thinking about _him_ , but just need to stop thinking about _getting together with_ _him._

-          Is that actually doable?

-          Yes! Trust me I’m going down that road. – Daniel lifted Fernando’s chin gently, making the blonde look at him – Remember this, Fern. You were born without him; you had lived almost 20 good years without him; and you’re doing just fine without him. If you can pick something up, then you can put it down! Have a little faith in yourself.

-          Okay, sure I can do this! – Fernando pursed his lips and furrowed his brows in determination. The adorable facial expression made Daniel chuckle. He stroked the Spaniard’s head lovingly.

-          Good! Now lemme give you a prize…

Fernando’s heart skipped a beat, and his eyes widened.

Daniel’s lips were on his, nibbling a little. The defender’s hand played with the silky curls of golden hair. It then slowly slid down, holding on to the other man’s jaw. Fernando closed his eyes and shyly parted his lips, expected Daniel’s tongue to enter. But Daniel didn’t seem to have that intention. Instead, he tilted his head to fit his lips perfectly into the gap, letting all tangle together sweetly. The kiss, somehow, was free of sexual desire and tension: it was just purely comforting and heartwarming; but still, Fernando could feel blood flushing his cheeks, and his heart might be beating a bit faster.

He felt exactly the same thing when he asked Daniel if the boy wanted some sex and got a shake of the head as an answer. But he still asked further:

-          Why? Isn’t that what you came here for?

-          Well yes, but now, not so much anymore. Let’s just sleep. – Daniel pulled Fernando into his arms, rested his chin on the Spaniard’s hair while letting the blonde breathe warmly into the small notch on his neck.

And, despite the fresh wound caused by the Skype conversation, a tiny ray of happiness, in one way or another, had found its way into Fernando’s heart.

 

 

 

From that day, things were not the same for Fernando anymore. Every time Daniel was in his sight, his heart started to beat frantically in his chest, and he immediately lost his focus on whatever he was doing. Every time Daniel talked to him, he struggled to find something decent to respond, since his mind seemed to go blank and English suddenly became something he had absolutely no clue about. Every time he heard the familiar knock on the door, the feelings flooding his hearts were so strong and overwhelming that he swore he could have fainted (but that would be such a waste, so he didn’t). Whatever Daniel did to him could make his day: patting his back, stroking his head, touching his cheeks, smiling at what he said, holding him, kissing him… Fernando lived on these things.

The Spaniard wondered what all these things meant to himself. Was it just that he was warmed and touched by their companionship? If it was so, then why did he miss Daniel that much when the boy didn’t come around? Why did he feel so terrible, seeing the way Daniel looked at Xabi now and then on the pitch? Why wasn’t he satisfied with what they were  having? And why was he dying to know if Daniel felt the same?

Fernando wasn’t sure if he really didn’t know the answer for all these questions, or he was not ready for another heartbreak yet.

 

 

-          I’m coming! – Fernando stood up and quickly walked towards the door as he heard the loud continuous bang, heart pounding in his chest. – Hey Danny, wh…

Not letting the blonde finish his sentence, Daniel grabbed him and smashed his lips against Fernando’s, savoring them hungrily. Within seconds, the boy moved down to Fernando’s neck, suckling and biting angrily, making Fernando pant and moan in pain. Suddenly, the Spaniard’s brows furrowed:

-          Danny, did you drink?

-          Yes – Daniel grunted, not even looking up at Fernando.

-          Why? What happened? – The blonde gripped Daniel’s shoulders and separated the boy from his body. Daniel’s face was all red, fury filling up in his eyes.

-          I saw them making out in the locker room. – He muttered – Fuck it, Xab… I thought it was our own thing…

Fernando felt a painful twist in his stomach, but he ignored it. Instead, he gently placed a hand on Daniel’s shoulder:

-          Well… do you want to talk about it? We can sit down and…

-          No! – Daniel pulled the Spaniard forcefully towards him – Let’s just do what we usually do.

-          But… don’t you think you’ll feel better if…

-          God damn it, no!! I’m here for sex not for some stupid talks! – Daniel threw his arms in the air exasperatedly. He took off his shirt – Hurry up Fern! I…

-          Is that so? – Fernando just stood there, looking down at his feet – Is that what we’re all about? Just sex?

-          What?! – The defender frowned – What are you talking about??!

-          We’re sex mates and that’s all, is it?

Daniel felt a terrible headache and making sense of Fernando’s words suddenly seemed annoyingly hard. He placed his hands on his hip:

-          Well yeah, what else do you want?

Fernando said nothing, because, well, what was there to say? Also, he thought that if he uttered just one word he would break down in tears.

-          Fern, what the hell is wrong with you today?! – Daniel pulled the Spaniard’s arm, irritated – Why can’t you just give me some sex when I’m in need?! I thought you enjoy sleeping around?

And, before Daniel could figure out what was going on, he heard the crack of Fernando’s palm against his left cheek. His eyes widened, his hand feeling the heat on the forming red mark caused by the merciless slap as he looked up at Fernando. To his shock, tears were streaming down Fernando’s face, although the blonde’s eyes were still fixed on him with genuine anger. But before the boy could say anything, Fernando had pushed him hard onto the bed.

-          Go fuck yourself! – The Spaniard shouted and ran out of the door, his palm wiping away the tears on his cheeks.

As the door slammed into Daniel’s face, the boy buried his head in his hands. This was way too much for a drunken man to handle.

 

It was not hard to find Fernando. He was slumping in one corner of the bleachers when Daniel came, his small body trembling a bit due to the cold night wind. Daniel quietly made his way towards the Spaniard.

-          Hey Fern…

Fernando quickly wiped his face and looked up, but as he saw it was just Daniel, he turned his head at once.

-          Go away. – The blonde tried to make his voice sound not too shaky.

-          Are… are you mad at me?

-          Can’t you tell?

-          Hey… I’m sorry…

-          …

-          You know I didn’t mean to say those things.

-          But you do think so, right? That we are nothing but sex mates and I’m just a slut?

-          No! I mean… I used to think so at first, that we’re just friends with benefits… but now, I don’t feel that way anymore.

-          Then how? – Fernando asked, with a certain level of expectation.

-           Of course we’re much more than that! We’re not just about sex! You do mean something to me, mean a lot indeed!

-          Really? – Fernando’s face lit up with hope.

-          Yes, Fern, you’re like one of the closest friends I have!

It felt like a light suddenly went off within Fernando. The blonde gulped, swallowing a bitter, non-existing lump in his throat. What was he expecting anyway?

-          I have never thought I would talk about my feelings that much to someone, but you made me want to do so! You must be one hell of a special person to do that, you know! – Daniel squatted down besides his friend, placing a reassuring hand on Fernando’s arm.

-          Danny I… - The blonde spoke softly without looking into Daniel’s eyes.

-          Yes?

-          Ever since we slept together, I didn’t sleep with anyone else…

-          Really? I’m kinda glad to hear that, to be honest…

-          I also feel really happy whenever you come around…

-          Oh, okay…

-          … and when you don’t, I think I miss you, a lot…

-          …

-          Every time you touch me, I feel like my heart explodes in my chest…

-          Fern… - Daniel spoke up, because maybe he knew what Fernando was trying to say.

-          Danny, could it be… - Fernando looked up at him, a mixture of confusion and sadness filled his eyes - … could it be that I’m in love with you?

-          Well, I… I think…

-          Do you feel the same things as well?

-          Hmm… I… I’m not… I…

The blonde gazed at him with so much hope in his eyes, and that made Daniel even more puzzled. He remained silent for quite some time, trying to figure out a response. Eventually, he just muttered:

-          I’m sorry, I guess…

Fernando could feel how his throat was drying up rapidly, and how close to tears he was:

-          So… it’s a no? Am I not good enough?

-          No, it’s not like that! It’s just… I’m still in love with… someone else, you see… So yeah…

The Spaniard nodded, even though he was not sure if he understood or accepted what Daniel had just said. He slowly stood up, avoiding eye contact with the defender.

-          O… okay… I’ll just… leave…

Daniel didn’t stop him from walking away or follow him, which deepened the wound in his heart. However, the boy did call out after a few steps were taken:

-          Hey Fern, do you… do you think that… you may be mistaken? Maybe you’re not in love with me, you’re just confused or something?

The words certainly worsened the situation. Fernando took a deep breath to restrain himself from sounding too emotional, and said:

-          You may not reciprocate me, but please, please don’t say that I’m just confused about my own feelings… - He mumbled to himself bitterly - … as if it’s not painful enough yet.

Fernando realized his love life might be something worse than ‘just a bit off track’.

 

 

-          How about this one? I heard the steak there is good.

-          Well, I’ve been there; steak is indeed the only good dish they have. The rest are below average. – Xabi said as he kept on scrolling down the page. – Oh, how about this one, Stevie? Look fanciful enough…

-          Let’s check the price… Seems good!

-          Okay then I’ll add it to our list.

-          How many do we have on that list? 20 or something?

-          27, to be accurate.

-          Oh God… I’m so gonna turn into a meatball after we finish just half of this list! – Steven rubbed his stomach, which had been getting a bit out of shape lately. Xabi chuckled and tilted his head to kiss the older man’s cheek.

-          Well you know how much I love meatballs, dear…

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Xabi put the laptop aside and climbed off the bed. He was a bit taken aback to see who the visitor was.

-          Nando? Hi! What brought you here? – Xabi smiled at the Spaniard, but soon he noticed something strange about the young boy’s attitude. It seemed like Fernando had been crying. – Hey, something wrong?

-          I… I just… I need to tell you something… Do you mind?

-          No, no, not at all! Come in! – The Basque quickly led his friend inside and closed the door. He sat Fernando down on the bed, then settled himself next to Steven. He asked the blonde – You mind if Stevie hang around?

Fernando shook his head and looked up, straight into Xabi’s eyes:

-          Xabi, it’s something concerned with Daniel…

-          So… you’re in love with Daniel? - As Fernando finished everything, Xabi licked his lips awkwardly, asking the most obvious question. He himself was sensitive enough to know something was going on between the two even before Fernando’s visit that night.

As Xabi was just trying to pick the most appropriate and neutral reaction, Steven, on the other hand, failed to hide his bewilderment. To be fair, it’s hard to act normal, hearing that the guy you used to fancy falls in love with your current boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend. What an arrangement… His eyes darted from side to side, utterly confused:

-          You’re… you’re saying Daniel is still in love with Xabi, that much?

Fernando closed his eyes and let out a sigh, while nodding in confirmation. He had known things would get very weird if he just banged into the room and poured out this awkward-for-all story, but he was too emotional to help it. Besides, Xabi had always been the one to give him advice every time he got into trouble, so he thought this was a rational act.

-          Nando, is there anything I can do for you? To help you feel better? – Xabi placed a hand on his shoulders with a hint of parental concern in his eyes, which made Fernando feel all the more guilty.

The Spaniard’s initial intention was to just to spill his upset onto Xabi, attacking the older man with bitter questions like _‘What on Earth did you do to Daniel?’, ‘Can you teach me how to do it?’, ‘Why can’t he just get the hell over you?’_ thinking it would make him feel better. But now, seeing how Xabi genuinely cared about his affair (and how distressed Steven seemed because of his story), Fernando realized he acted like a thoughtless and pathetic dumbass.

-          No, no, you don’t need to do anything! Oh God… - The blonde stood up, pinching his forehead - … I’m so sorry for troubling you with this, shouldn’t have come at all…

-          Not at all!! Nando, you don’t need to feel bad about this… – Xabi said.

-          I do! I should leave now, sorry for ruining your night, really… Gosh, this is embarrassing…

To the Fernando’s surprise, Xabi pulled him into a warm hug:

-          It’s okay, Nando. Everything will be fine.

The blonde broke out into a grateful smile and squeezed back:

-          Thanks, Xabi. You’re the best.

_This may be just why Daniel can never get over this man._

 

As Fernando had left, Xabi sat down again next to his more-than-a-bit-confused boyfriend:

-          Hey, you’re okay?

-          I guess so… just not sure how to feel!

-          Me, either. The situation is a bit inconvenient for all. –Xabi moved in closer, leaning on Steven’s shoulder – Hey… do you mind if I go talk to Dan about this?

-          To be honest, yes, I do mind a little, knowing how the kid still feels about you. But… - The Scouser looked down at his boyfriend, tightened his lips - … if you think it helps, then you have my support.

 

 

-          Wait! Who’s that?! – Daniel grumpily climbed off the bed. Who could be visiting at this kind of hour? Steven might have forgotten the key? But it was not like they ever locked the door anyway…

-          Hi, Dan… Sorry for the late visit... – Standing in front of him was the man who for thousand times he had wished would knock on this door for him and not for Steven. Xabi fidgeted awkwardly about his spot – I have something to… discuss with you. Do you mind?

-          No, not at all!!! – Daniel cleared his throat to suppress the eagerness in his voice – Please… come in.

The boy wondered what brought Xabi here, with a tiny gleam of hope in his heart that he knew he should not have had. But that is something rather natural when it comes to your dead spot: you keep expecting them to do things that won’t happen.

-          Well, I… - Xabi started once he had sat down - … I want to talk to you a little about Fernando…

-          O…okay – Daniel felt a twist in his stomach, like a criminal caught red-handed – What… what’s about him?

-          Are you two in some kind of, you know, _close_ relationship?

-          Hmm well… - The boy started to get really nervous. Being questioned about a friend with benefits by an ex-lover was not something he had much experience with - … what do you mean by _close_?

-          Close as in… sleeping with each other, for example?

_So he knows. Great._

-          Well… yeah, we do! I would not deny that…

-          Hmm, I’m not sure how to start this… - _Huh? You haven’t started?? –_ Fernando has just paid me a visit…

Daniel could feel how his face went pale. He murmured:

-          What did he say?

-          Basically everything, about your earlier conversation and all…

 _So he knows every fucking thing. Even greater! –_ Daniel screamed inwardly. On the outside, he just sat there staring at Xabi, absolutely clueless how to react.

-          So… is it true that you still… I mean… me…

-          If he said I told him I was still in love with you – Daniel sighed in resignation – then he spoke the truth.

Xabi mumbled in disbelief:

-          You are?

-          Yes. Is it that hard to see? It’s not even that long ago…

-          But you yourself told me to get together with Stevie! I thought we have both agreed nonverbally that we’re over…

-          Well then for me we’re not! – Daniel ran his fingers through his hair in frustration – It’s not like I actually think that we’ll get back together, I know you well enough to realize that won’t happen. But, Xab, we were just… we were so good together!! We were so happy and everything!

-          I know… - Xabi was emotionally stirred for a few seconds, but then tightened his lips - … but we broke up for a reason.

Daniel stared at the man, clearly hurt. He smirked bitterly:

-          Well, you had your Stevie, of course it was easy for you…

-          Daniel, please listen. I know you think it was easy for me because I got together with Stevie rather soon after our breakup. But the truth is that when I decided to be with him, a major part of me was still in love with you, and that what made the decision so hard! Believe it or not, the breakup hit me just as hard as it did to you.

-          But you recovered so quickly! Must be nice to have someone to just come along and fix you up effortlessly like that…

-          Don’t you have one too, Dan? The one that you’re pushing away?

-          …

-          There are many types of fixer. Some don’t know they are fixers: they just walk in and do a perfectly natural job, like what you did to me back then. Some are rather clumsy: they can’t fix you, but they choose to love you broken. And sometimes, you will be fixed by someone who is just as broken. It is really heartwarming to see Fernando try to heal you, considered how hurt he himself is…

-          You know about it?

-          The Sergio thing? Yeah! The boy hardly had anyone to pour his heart out onto back then, so I thought I might help a little. He surely suffers a lot…

-          I know, and he just acts like nothing matters. Tough as hell… - The corner of Daniel’s lips went up a little a he thought about Fernando - … But knowing all these things Xab,I don’t want to hurt him further!

-          You won’t…

-          I will! You see, we’re not even together yet and I’ve hurt him already! It’s not gonna work!

-          Dan, since when have you let these types of reasons to stop you? It’s not like you at all! You’re always very bold, very decisive, very single-minded when you want something…

-          Well maybe that part of me died when we broke up! Maybe I’ve spent all of my romance, my cheesiness, my energy on us, and I don’t want Fernando to suffer from the lack of those things!

-          But maybe that’s not what he needs! The relationship we had and the one you two may have will be vastly different, because nothing is similar in the two cases! Dan, you care about him so so much, don’t you realize that?

Daniel didn’t fire back this time; he was too busy thinking. It’s just really hard to figure out what is right or wrong when you know well such a mechanism does not in exist in the situation. Xabi waited to hear something from the boy, but eventually spoke up first:

-          It’s late, I’d better go back… – He stood up and looked down at the boy – Dan, I know that… I don’t have the right to push you in this, but can you… can you please give this a chance, and think about it?

-          Of course I will… - Daniel whispered with an affirmative nod.

A tightlipped smile flashed on Xabi’s face. He walked to the door, about to leave when he heard Daniel ask:

-          Xab, do you… do you still… - _love me? That would be too much to ask_ \- … think about me, now and then?

-          More than you think I do. – The man spoke softly, and closed the door behind him.

 

 

-          Hey! I’m about to go to your r… Daniel??! – Fernando stopped dead on his track as saw who it was.

-          Hi there… - Daniel tried to smile in the most attractive way he could - … I just wonder if you… err… fancy a night out? With me?

Only after asking did the boy notice how Fernando was dressed. He frowned:

-          Or you’re having another plan already?

-          Well I…

-          Dan??! – Daniel turned sharply around, only to see Steven and Xabi stand there looking at him in confusion. Steven tilted his head – Why are you hiding flower behind your back?

-          Huh?! You mean… this?! – The boy awkwardly showed a bunch of white daisy – I… I just think they look pretty so… Fern, you want?

-          Me? Oh hmm… - The blonde reluctantly took the flower, his cheeks grew pink with blush - … thank you?

-          No… no prob… - _Gosh, this is way too awkward_ – So you’re going out with Xab and Stevie?

-          Yeah, we’re having dinner! – Steven talked excitedly.

-          Oh okay… Maybe some time later then… - The boy gave Fernando a small smile.

The Spaniard didn’t know what to do: of course he didn’t want to miss out on Daniel, but he wanted to go with the couple, too. They had been really nice and caring towards him these past few days. Besides, he was not sure what Daniel’s intention was. Being able to read all those in his friend’s eyes, Xabi offered casually:

-          Dan, do you want to join us?

 

So there they were, sitting together in a small and homey family restaurant, forming the most awkward dining group ever.

Fernando didn’t know what to expect. He was really happy that Daniel gave him the flowers and seemed to plan to ask him out, but what was the defender’s intention? Was it supposed to be like a date, or just a talk to sort out things? What was Daniel thinking even? All the questions made the blonde rather anxious.

Daniel, just like Fernando, was really nervous. He had thought about what Xabi said and decided to ask Fernando out, just to see how it would go. He never expected to hang out with Steven and, most importantly, Xabi as well. Up until now, he managed to maintain his coolness, and he still wanted the blonde. But what if at the end of the night, things change? The only thing he could do was to keep calm, with all the determination to have Fernando.

Steven felt a little awkward, but he didn’t really mind. Most of the time, he was rather oblivious to emotional tension going on around the table, and focused on maintaining the conversations, at the same time kept an eye on Daniel. Xabi had refused to reveal about the conversation the other night he had with the defender, so Steven was a bit worried. He trusted Xabi, but, still.

Xabi carefully read the thoughts and emotion of the other three people, not only because it was necessary, but he also found it rather enjoyable. He then analyzed what he got and tried to figure out how to behave, as well as how to direct people to behave in a desirable manner. It is not unusual to see Xabi control things. He feels the need to.

Hence, when Steven’s attempt to keep conversations going on started to die out and everyone began to fidget uncomfortably in their seats, exchanging looks, Xabi put forward a suggestion:

-          Hey, let’s play something.

-          Play something?! You mean like games?

-          Well, not exactly games… It’s just a small bonding section. One of us, Stevie for example, will say something we haven’t known about him. Then each of us will tell Stevie one thing, related to him, that the he himself hasn’t known yet. We’ll go one by one.

-          O… okay… sounds good to me… - Fernando nodded his head encouragingly, despite feeling a bit confused at Xabi’s intention.

-          Yes! Let’s play this, please. I can’t think of anything else to talk about anymore… – Steven restrained a sigh of relief.

-          Well, not like we’re having anything else to do… – Daniel shrugged, hoping he sounded nonchalant enough.

-          Great! – _That’s much easier than expected…_ \- Now, captain, you want to start? – Xabi smiled sweetly at his boyfriend.

-          Me? Oh… okay… One thing you all don’t know about me? Hmm… I went for a Man United trial when I was 13?

-          What the fuck?? You did?!! – Daniel exclaimed, horror written all over his face.

-          Well, just to pressurize Liverpool a bit…

-          Stevie, I’m sorry but you told me this already – Xabi said – You have to find something else.

-          Huh? I did?!! Then it has to be something I’ve not told you… That’s tough… Okay, I have just had this in mind recently… it’s hard to admit, really…

-          Why? What is it?

-          I… I fancy a move to Real Madrid, sometimes…

-          What??! – Fernando and Daniel both shouted.

-          Stevie, are you serious? – Xabi asked, genuinely surprised. It hardly ever crossed his mind that Steven might want to be anywhere else but Anfield.

-          Well, not like I plan to move! But you know, the club is really good, with their star players and all. I just think maybe when we get a bit older, we may both move there, to Spain… - Steven took a quick glance at his boyfriend, nervously licked his lips - … but that’s just a thought! Merely a thought…

-          Okay, I see… - Xabi blinked to hide his emotions - … well now I’ll tell you something about you. What do you want to hear?

-          Maybe… what you like most about me? You’ve never told me that.

-          Really? – Fernando raised an eyebrow.

-          Really – Xabi nodded – Now… that would be… the tip of your nose, I guess.

-          Huh?? The tip of my nose??!

-          Yeah, it’s just really… round, you know, uncannily round…

-          Oh god, Xabi, seriously? Don’t you see anything else in me?

-          But that’s what I like most! I find it really really adorable!

-          That sounds like… a weird fetish, to be honest… - Fernando chuckled. He then looked at Daniel through the corner of his eye. The boy seemed a little quiet so far. He was looking down at the floor, as if observing the interesting movements of some microscopic organisms.

-          Daniel, it’s your turn – Xabi gently reminded.

-          Me? Stevie, I… - _want to bring you deep inside the forest and leave you there, sometimes._ The boy swallowed an imaginary slump in his throat – I think you look damn fat in our new jersey ad.

-          No! I look fit as a fiddle!

-          Sorry Stevie, I have to agree with Dan… – Xabi laughed a little – But maybe it’s just the lighting.

-          Fine… - Steven said sullenly – Fernando, finish the round. Hurt me some more with your words…

-          Okay, as you wish! Stevie, the truth is among all the players in this team, you are one of those few I have never fancied.

As Xabi raised his brows in surprise and Daniel smirked, somewhat proudly, Steven’s jaws dropped. Considering what used to happen, the Scouser wondered if the situation could be actually any more whimsical for him.

The game continued anyway. Each of them starting to realize how much they actually enjoyed the game, and they even decided to go on a second round. As it was Steven’s turn to tell Xabi something, he pondered for a while and eventually, looked into his boyfriend’s eyes:

-          Sometimes I think it would be great… if we can have a child together…

Xabi did not hide his amazement:

-          Okay… You want to… elaborate on that?

-          Well, you know, maybe a boy who looks Scouse and has ginger beard, who will play for Spain National and Liverpool. That would be perfect!

The Basque wondered why his boyfriend had to plant so much emotion in him time after time tonight. He couldn’t help but reach out, gently squeezed Steven’s hand:

-          Yeah, that sounds perfect for me, too.

 

The enjoyment and relaxation which filled Daniel just now immediately vanished, and once again, he looked down at the microscopic organisms on the floor. This was harder than he thought, to feel normal again, to move on from all these. He knew the couple was not trying to show off or torture him; they were just carried away by their emotions. But that thought did nothing but hurt him even more.

Suddenly, he felt a gentle touch, and soon warmth wrapping around his small finger. He turned his head. Fernando, even though not looking at him, had just took his finger into his hand, holding on tight. A slight shade of pink could be seen on the Spaniard’s face, as the blonde looked in another direction, pretending that nothing was going on. Once again, Daniel found himself smiling dumbly. He rotated his hand so that he could hold Fernando’s, tangling their fingers together. They kept things like that, under the table, for the rest of the evening.

And so, when Daniel was asked to share something, he just turned to look at Fernando, the corner of his lips lifted a little:

-          I think I’m ready to get back in the game.

 

9 p.m. The dinner ended just 10 minutes ago. Xabi and Steven had suggested to go home separately, as they exchanged look and smiled knowingly at each other, leaving behind a confused Fernando and a grateful Daniel. The boy had a lot of things to say to the Spaniard. However, when he walked down the road with Fernando by his side, he was suddenly at loss of words. His heart trembled gently but continuously in his chest, and all his movements seemed to be awkward. It had been quite some time since he felt this way again.

A gust of wind came along, swaying the tips of the scarf hanging loosely around Fernando’s neck. He shivered slightly, rubbed his hands together and pressed them against his freckled cheeks. Daniel was not sure what he was thinking, but before he figured it out, he realized he was tenderly taking Fernando’s hand, bringing it up to his lips and warming it with his shaky breath. Through the corner of his eyes, Daniel saw how the Spaniard’s mouth slightly opened in shock, as his cheeks grew pink with fiery blush. That calmed Daniel down more than he needed.

He dropped their hands down, but still holding onto Fernando’s warm palm, feeling even more confident when Fernando didn’t seem to object to that at all.

-          What do you think about what I said just now? – He asked as they walked on.

-          Which one?

-          That I’m ready to get back to the game?

-          Well, hmm… I… - Fernando licked his lips – I’m glad you’re happy again…

-          I’m not. – He turned to the surprised Spaniard – But I will if, and only if, we’re on each other’s team in this game.

So many emotions were blooming and erupting inside Fernando that he had to stop on his track, unable to do or say anything. He could feel a mixture of astonishment, confusion, nervousness and endless joy rising up non-stop in his heart. He had been waiting for this so desperately that when it came true, it was difficult to convince himself it had actually happened.

-          You want… you want to be with me? Are you sure? I mean… I thought you don’t want it?

-          I thought so, too, but… I was just afraid. Both of us were too broken! It was like just one touch and we would fall apart!

-          Then why do you change your mind?

-          Because one day I woke up, I suddenly realized that if for some reasons the world ended, the first regret I had in my mind would be that we had never happened! I want to be with you, but something stopped me. And since I couldn’t find out what it is, I just don’t give a fuck anymore.

The blonde just kept on gazing at Daniel without a word, as if to process what he had just heard. The boy took out a small piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Fernando:

-          I… I have this poem, please read…

_‘Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_Everything is shit…_

Fernando chuckled. That was an unexpected line, but at the same time sounded too ‘Daniel’. However, as his eyes swept through the words of the last line, his grin faded, taken over by an affectionate smile.

_… Everything but you.’_

He looked up at Daniel, his eyes full of endearment, about to utter a sheepish ‘thank you’. However, before any words left his mouth, he realized his lips had been locked by Daniel’s into a warm, intense kiss. The boy placed both hands on his neck, thumbs caressing his cheek bones and jaw line tenderly. After a moment in daze, Fernando closed his eyes and tilted his head, deepening the kiss. They stood there under the light of a thousand stars, savoring each other’s lips, with desire and passion burning them inside out. After a quite some time, they eventually parted, feeling their lips swollen and yearning for more.

-          So is this a yes? – Daniel asked, his hands moving gently about Fernando’s waist.

-          I guess so… - The blonde looked down shyly at his feet.

-          Good, because I think I’m addicted to the taste of you already… - The corner of his lips went up mischievously - … but first, let’s get home.

So once again, they turned around and walked on, eyes still fixed on each other. Fernando’s hand fit warmly in Daniel’s, while in the palm of the other hand was the poem that he knew he would remember until he forgot his own name. Suddenly, the world around them seemed to change a little, as they started to see so many colors they never knew this grayish, cold and lonely road could have.

Suddenly, they realized their hearts, however broken, could still beat for love once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... that's the end of it.  
> If you guys are willing, please take just a moment to help me with this survey about the story itself, only 3 questions. Thank you soooo much!!!!!  
> https://docs.google.com/forms/d/11ZYmR_ZxQQpn47lTWbXMNCk-S1mcbORhb1tLG_8q7C4/viewform  
> Again, thank you for all the support, it has been a wonderful journey to me honestly .   
> May 2015 be kind to all of us. Happy New Year, everyone :)


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